UnNews:K-pop stars killed in non-action

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18 October 2022

President Joe Biden wanted the Korean superstars to join the Navy Seals.

SEOUL, South Korea -- Members of the Korean boy band BTS have been pronounced dead after joining the South Korean army for just one day.

Unlike the fans on Twitter who refer to themselves as "The Army", the actual K-pop members were forced to join the military by the mandatory service law. Although "The Army" has protested this idea for months, not wanting their favourite non-English singers/dancers to be unable to make more music, the South Korean government ignored the pleas of Western fans of BTS, as they are teenage girls from some other country. The oldest member of the group, Jin, stated, "I think we'll be all right. We even prepared by having a song named Dynamite!"

Basic training for the superstars started off all right, according to their commanding officer, but tragedy struck quickly, as these high-class, pampered boys were just not cut out for the outside world. Their basic training only included jumping jacks, push-ups, and running in the rain while looking sexy. This last shocked many, as they had already done it several times for a music video. All seven Bangtan Boys were pronounced KINA (Killed in Non-Action), after going two hours without water. They died of exhaustion while running a 2km jog around the base.

South Korean law was amended in 2019 to let certain K-pop stars defer service until they are 30 and losing some of their lucrative cuteness. Thus BTS frontman Jin, who turns 30 in December, made the fateful decision to enlist.

Management agency HYBE stated that the group is now "officially disbanded" and that there are no plans to "reboot" the music group. Twitter-stans of the BTS Army have organised an online funeral for their fallen soldiers, which they have catered for at least 1000 replies and about 20,000 retweets — some of which may even be quote retweets, if lucky.

The band BLACKPINK, sometimes known as "the girl version of BTS", has also been drafted into military service. However, their manager makes the case that the girls have already performed mandatory service, to the musical genre. In fact, their entire fan base may be exempt as they have also performed an unpleasant civic duty.

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