UnNews:Judge Sues Over Lost Toothpaste Cap

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, November 24, 2024, 02:15:59 (UTC)
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15 June 2007

JUDGE ROY PEARSON is suing former houseguest and fellow Judge John Stetson for losing the cap for the Colgate Toothpaste belonging to Pearson. In this landmark 16 Billion dollar case, Pearson is suing for "emotional damages" and "lost and stolen property." "[John] told me he had forgotten his toothpaste, and I, in an extreme act of kindness, allowed him to borrow mine. However, he then stole the cap to my nearly full tube of Colgate toothpaste, causing it to immediately dry up. Such malicious intent should require strict punishment."

The 16 billion dollar cap.

"You know, I think I dropped it behind his sink," Stetson said in response to the accusations. "He won't let me look, though." Pearson, who has a history of stupid cases, is certain he'll get the payoff he says he needs. "I really deserve this," said Pearson. It's always horrifying to have something you're so sure of, something so banal as toothpaste, gone." Stetson, too, is determined- I'm confident I can win a case so mind-numbingly dumb as this one. Pearson, who is by all accounts an asshole, sums up everybody's reaction to this case: "So I'm being a jerk. What's it to you?"


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