UnNews:I had a birthday and you need to know it

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
UnNews Logo Potato.png

This column is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-eyeblink misinformation. And by "misinformation", we mean "the truth."


1 August 2023

Columnist: Dennis Prager.gif Dennis Prattler
Talking head emeritus, TownHall.com

I recently celebrated my birthday.

Not just any birthday. For that, I would not interrupt my continual stream of backaching about the favor-trading in our Legislature or the lawlessness of our Chief of State. No, this was a landmark birthday. For, dear reader, I have turned a nice, round 150. And you need to take time out from contemplating impeachment to hear how I feel about it.

Firstly, I do not feel it. I don't feel a day over twenty, when the promotional portrait you see above was taken. I was scolding my fellow American then, and I still am today. Though I have not changed, the nation has, and I do remind the reader regularly how we were much better off with only three news broadcasts and one telephone company, even if we had to stay indoors all day when an important call might come in. From a white man, of course.

This has led to an interesting problem. I am spending more of my time arguing with associates that I am not really old, when I used to be spending the same time arguing with them that SUVs are not killing the planet and Donald Trump is not controlled by Russian prostitutes. And I haven't lost a step still playing strong safety on the local semi-pro football team. Our opponent's star receiver dropped a pass just last Saturday and I feel I had a lot to do with that.

A second problem is that I spend all my time in gratitude that millions of readers will hang on as I rhetorically gaze at my navel or offer government reforms that will never happen in my short remaining lifetime or even their longer ones. I am also grateful that so many of you realize you are not I, and either wish you were or at least buy this newspaper to find out what you would have written down if you had been. And despite this goofy smile of gratitude on my face, the men in the van never throw a net over me. Because I am famous.

I could muse here about death, eternity, and the afterlife. Perhaps that is better covered in my next best-selling book. Suffice it to say that I expect God to sit me down at his right-hand side, and He and I can spend eternity contributing a little order and common sense to this planet, starting with reform of this ethanol boondoggle. My views on this subject are entirely rational propositions. You had better pre-order the book.

And finally, I have an uncle who is still going strong at the age of 172. He credits his longevity to hard drinking, flavored cigars, and whores. Now, that sounds like a plan.