UnNews:Howard continues to deny the existence of a state known as reality

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6 March 2007

Canberra, Australia

In a press conference held today Prime minister Howard continued the Coalitions smear campaign on the opposition golden child Kevin Rudd.

Howard opened the press conference with prepared remarks referring to Rudd's brain freeze in meeting with shamed former West Australian Premier Brian Burke, who is apparently, evil, vile and all other sorts of nasty things (plus he hates kittens. What kind of person hates kittens?). Throughout the prepared remarks Howard struggled to refrain from giggling, as cabinet heavyweights, to the left and right of the podium whooped and jeered each fresh alligation. Leading the pack was Federal Treasurer Costello.

Mr Howard also took the opportunity to clarify his own governments position as regards to the meeting of his party's own senator, Ian Campbell, who met with Brian Burke last year. Mr Campbell last week fell on his own sword, stood up withdrew the sword, stabbed himself in the thigh, sliced a couple of pieces of bread, cut his ears off, then fell on the sword again; allowing the Government to continue its attacks on the opposition leader.

"No member of my Government, shall walk away untarnished from meetings with the foul beast known as 'Burke'," hissed the Prime Minister. "It is my job, nay, my duty, to ensure that any fool..umm... fooilish enough to meet with him, be beheaded on the sacrificial alter we keep out the back of the speaker of the house's chair."

When quizzed by the gallery as to why Liberal MP Geoff Prosser had not received a reprimand Howard replied, "So what?" (No really, he actually said that!)

When junior political correspondent, Claire Davies, pressed the Prime minister further Federal Treasurer Costello, who in the intervening time had put his tie around his head, untucked his shirt and written 'FUCK' on his forearm, raced into the press gallery and gave the junior reporter a wedgie.

"You're new here aren't you sweet-heart?" cooed Howard. "I can invade nations without justification. I don't answer to the likes of you."

At this point the press gallery knelt before the Prime minister and paid homage with sweet meats and oils.

Elsewhere, while conducting a tour of rural areas to prove that he isn't an effeminate, white-bread, pansy ass lawyer type, Mr Rudd proved to be more forthcoming.

"I've come up with a ton of euphemisms to describe the present scenario, no really a ton, a whole shit load, a mammoth amount. You could fill a pool with the amount of euphemisms I've created. I've got metaphors too...No mountain high enough, no river wide..."

After aides had brought the sun affected opposition leader back to his senses, Mr Rudd made one final comment.

"Seriously, who looks better in a bikini?" asked Mr Rudd. "I think the Australian people know who would make a better leader of the nation."

Unfortunately for those press game enough to follow a man in glasses into the dessert, this proved to be no euphamism.