UnNews:Hangnail foils Space Station rescue attempt

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25 December 2013


DELHI, India -- An attempt to fix the radiant valve on the oxygen supply compensator was stopped when Molokai Bulganof, the only remaining Bulgarian astronaut, insisted on doing the space walk without shoes. Using duct tape, he was able to pressurize the open pant leg of his suit and venture into the wild unknown on Christmas Eve. His mechanical expertise was never in question and he completed his task in less than four hours ad twelve minutes. Unfortunately, his toenail, described as a giant hangnail, caught in the terminal on the oxygen ventilator and as he screwed the valve shut his hangnail wedged between the gravity nut and the Frenson bolt. Accidentally dropping the Creedmoor wrench did not help, as it was the only tool on the station that could free him, and as it floated away he cursed silently.

The other astronauts, franticly praying in various languages, were unable to find a solution and ate a frozen pizza for dinner. Molokai kept hammering with his bare fist on the portal window but they were able to ignore him. At 12:09, unable to put up with his hammering they cut off his oxygen supply and he expired. The problem remains as he flops back and forth like a fish out of water but still remains nailed to the capsule. How will they other astronauts deal with this problem?

NASA is studying the situation for a hoped for quick fix but have adjourned for a two-week holiday. As long as pizza and Oxygen hold out, and for that the estimate is till February 5th, there remains hope. Vegas bookies are betting 14 to 1 the hangnail has doomed the mission, but Molokai’s wife, a buxom stripper know to be Putin’s favorite, held out hope,

“Those bastards deserve to die. If they ever get back to earth I will kill each and every last one of them.” She then excused herself to pick up money that the club crowd had showered her with."

Michellel Obama weighing on the scale of the tragedy took the occasion to blame fast food suppliers for the problem stating, "a diet rich in broccoli will cure most hang nails, either that or a good pair of pliers.

Cost containment analysts, were quick to pointed out that the Wal-Mart pliers, made in China, cost the US government $428,000. He lost Creedmoor wrench, now circling the earth in an elliptical orbit, cost $3,765,985 in comparison. Both tools in replica are being offered as a commemorative set with a free toe nail clipper featuring the NASA logo, with the gilt engraving, "a clip in time saves thine."


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