UnNews:Gummy Bear with head bitten off to run for U.S. President

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Monday, June 17, 2024, 01:19:59 (UTC)

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5 March 2008

There is nothing symbolic about this. This is real life, baby. Oorah!

Oddly Ambient Blue Surface, Universe Somewhere A standard issue red gummy bear, recently missing head, has announced it's intentions to run for the office of US President using telepathy combined with the handy translation services of nearby psychic, green gummy bear.

Not only are red gummy bears delicious and often missing a head anyway, but biting the head off of the future leader will be slightly nutritious. Any flaw in the campaign is easily overlooked when you discover the free coupon stapled underneath your seat for a free sack of gummy bears, conveniently imported from the finest semi-transparent parallel universes.

Other issues include running out of gummy bears and nuking everything that isn't gelatin.

If he wins, he said his plans for the world be to take the troops out of Iraq, and invade Switzerland. "I am angry that those damn Swiss (Which make excellent chocolate by the way) have to manipulate the media into selling Gummy Bears! We Gummy Bears are a free people and we are staying that way! Death to Switzerland! Death to Switzerland!", he screamed.

"Never ever again will a Gummy Bear be captured to be eaten by stupid children! Death to children! Death to children!"

Completely frustrated, he pulled out his hand and threw it at a reporter, then ran off, likely in the direction of the current US President.