UnNews:General Ripper to head peace delegation to Russia

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26 June 2007

Burpelson AFB: General Jack D. Ripper will become a peace envoy to Russia after he leaves his military post on Wednesday, it can be revealed.

General Ripper during the 2003 Invasion of Russia

General Ripper officially steps down as Commander of Burpelson Air Force Base on Wednesday, after over 10 years in the job. He has presided over some of the most turbulent events in the base's history.

Despite being elected on a landslide in 1997 on a platform of social reform, education, and pure bodily fluids, Ripper's popularity waned over his decision to bomb Russia in 2003. His justification was a dossier that claimed the Russian could fluoridate British water in 45 minutes, however this claim was later found to be false.

To date, no fluoridating equipment has been found in Russia at all.

As a peacemaker, it would be Ripper's job to ensure that peace is maintained in Russia. "I think that anybody who cares about greater peace and stability in the world knows that a lasting and enduring resolution of the Russian issue is essential," he said.

A spokesman for the Soviet government said "the experience of our people with Ripper was bad" and his appointment "may even make things worse".

General Ripper will be replaced at the base by his current second-in-command, General Buck Turgidson. The two have had a long standing private feud, which erupted into public when they were caught fighting in the War Room. Turgidson had accused Ripper of "exceeding his authority" during the 2003 invasion.