UnNews:General Motors to recall 533,000 SUV drivers

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22 January 2007

Recalled drivers will be tested on whether this is the appropriate vehicle to get little Johnny to soccer practice, a block down the road.

WASHINGTON, Friday (UNN) — General Motors Corporation said Friday it was recalling 533,000 urban SUV and pickup truck drivers because of potential idiocy problems. GM said it has received reports of 1100 accidents and sixty-seven injuries connected to the recall.

The automaker has come under tremendous criticism for its four-wheel-drive vehicles. "We're at the stage where we can just do without this shit," said GM clue installation engineer B.F. Skinner. "The trouble is SUVs have been adopted by what in technical terms we call 'fuckheads.' The seven percent of SUV drivers that actually leave the goddamn highway might have some use for the things. It's the other ninety-three percent that are problematic and in need of repair.

"I mean, SUVs burn more gas, pollute more and are way dangerous in crashes. We know this. But like proper trucks, if they're not driven by idiots they're not a problem. Like you wouldn't give a soccer mom a semi-trailer. Much as they'd like one. But we haven't managed to get laws passed saying you need an IQ test before buying them."

The recalled drivers had notable problems with spurious justifications and clueless public statements[1] such as "I, as proud owner of an F-150 pickup, would strap myself to my windshield with dynamite taped to my chest before I let the National Coalition of Yugo-driving Salad-eaters take my truck away" or "I like that sport-utility vehicles make a lotta noise, that big, powerful truck sound, that vrooom, that you don't get in a car."

Some SUV justifications were difficult for cluefulness engineers to repair. "We keep seeing accident reports ending with 'The truck driver walked away unharmed,'" said Skinner. "That's what leads to people buying a Hummer to pick the kids up from grade school half a mile away. If you're in a crash and you're the one not in the SUV, you die and these wastes of fucking oxygen continue to breed, brains untouched.

"Our only hope for the gene pool is an SUV-pocalypse, where these vehicles will only crash into each other. Then we'll see them roll badly, fail to protect the driver, crunch into a ball and hopefully serve as an instructive example to any surviving spawn."

Actuaries from State Farm Insurance have noted[2] that sport utility vehicles save insurers money because they are more likely to kill the occupants than to maim them, and serious injuries tend to yield bigger settlements than deaths. "We're considering a nine-inch spike in the middle of the steering wheel," Skinner said.

Owners will be notified in mid-February of their being recalled and dealers will attempt to replace their brains with ones that work, at no charge to the owners' families.