UnNews:Demand for Corona beer soars

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 02:56:59 (UTC)
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11 April 2020

Missing in action.

New York, NY: Within the last week, the Corona distribution centers were unable to keep up with the rising demand for Corona beer. Store shelves had empty gaps of space where the Corona beers and Corona hard seltzers used to fill them. The grocery stores that still stocked Corona had signs in 72 point font stating "We have limited quantities of this item at this time to ONE per customer." Our reporter interviewed three people on the street. Here is what they had to say. "In these times, everyone just wants a good beer to help them forget," said a random passerby, looking wistfully in the direction of a local bar with a note on the door and a big CLOSED sign prominently displayed. "And this beer helps me forget that anything else ever existed, so I refuse to drink any other beer."

Another random passerby, wearing a spiffy, expensive business suit, commented "These will be COLLECTOR's ITEMS one day! So I am buying up as many as I can now, so that I can sell them for a massive profit later!"

"I just want to get so blitzed that I don't realize my friends cannot join me for a cool drink and think that I am at a party" said a third random passerby.

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