UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride ✪ UnNews ✪ Wednesday, February 4, 2026, 10:23:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  2. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  3. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  4. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  5. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  6. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  7. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  8. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  9. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  10. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  11. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  12. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  13. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  14. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  15. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  16. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  17. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  18. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  19. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  20. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  21. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  22. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  23. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  24. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  25. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  26. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  27. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  28. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  29. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  30. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  31. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  32. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  33. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  34. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  35. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  36. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  37. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  38. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  39. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  40. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  41. To add a houseplant, is to add easily
  42. To add a houseplant, is to add {{adv})
  43. Paul Hindemith is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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