UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Saturday, January 24, 2026, 15:55:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
2. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
3. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
4. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
5. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
6. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
7. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
8. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
9. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
10. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
11. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
12. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
13. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
14. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
15. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
16. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
17. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
18. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
19. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
20. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
21. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
22. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
23. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
24. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
25. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
26. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
27. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
28. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
29. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
30. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
31. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
32. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
33. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
34. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
35. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
36. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
37. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
38. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
39. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
40. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
41. To complement a toaster, is to complement chaotically
42. To complement a toaster, is to complement {{adv})
43. Waluigi is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.