UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Friday, February 13, 2026, 12:38:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
2. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
3. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
4. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
5. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
6. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
7. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
8. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
9. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
10. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
11. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
12. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
13. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
14. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
15. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
16. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
17. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
18. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
19. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
20. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
21. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
22. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
23. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
24. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
25. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
26. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
27. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
28. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
29. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
30. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
31. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
32. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
33. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
34. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
35. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
36. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
37. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
38. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
39. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
40. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
41. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct poorly
42. To deconstruct a lubricant, is to deconstruct {{adv})
43. Bob Barker is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.