UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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UnNews

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Friday, February 6, 2026, 02:51:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
2. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
3. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
4. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
5. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
6. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
7. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
8. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
9. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
10. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
11. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
12. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
13. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
14. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
15. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
16. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
17. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
18. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
19. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
20. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
21. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
22. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
23. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
24. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
25. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
26. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
27. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
28. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
29. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
30. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
31. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
32. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
33. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
34. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
35. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
36. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
37. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
38. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
39. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
40. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
41. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify affably
42. To exemplify a chromosome, is to exemplify {{adv})
43. Rob Liefeld is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.