UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Saturday, January 17, 2026, 09:04:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
2. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
3. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
4. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
5. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
6. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
7. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
8. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
9. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
10. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
11. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
12. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
13. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
14. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
15. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
16. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
17. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
18. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
19. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
20. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
21. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
22. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
23. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
24. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
25. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
26. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
27. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
28. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
29. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
30. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
31. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
32. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
33. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
34. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
35. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
36. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
37. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
38. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
39. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
40. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
41. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate quickly
42. To incinerate an operating theater, is to incinerate {{adv})
43. This Guy is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.