UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnFair and UnBalanced

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UnNews

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Tuesday, January 27, 2026, 07:27:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
2. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
3. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
4. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
5. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
6. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
7. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
8. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
9. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
10. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
11. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
12. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
13. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
14. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
15. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
16. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
17. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
18. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
19. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
20. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
21. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
22. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
23. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
24. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
25. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
26. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
27. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
28. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
29. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
30. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
31. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
32. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
33. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
34. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
35. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
36. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
37. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
38. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
39. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
40. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
41. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw fervently
42. To clapperclaw magma, is to clapperclaw {{adv})
43. Mao Zedong is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.