UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Saturday, February 14, 2026, 22:14:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
2. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
3. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
4. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
5. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
6. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
7. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
8. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
9. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
10. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
11. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
12. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
13. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
14. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
15. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
16. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
17. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
18. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
19. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
20. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
21. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
22. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
23. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
24. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
25. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
26. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
27. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
28. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
29. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
30. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
31. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
32. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
33. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
34. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
35. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
36. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
37. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
38. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
39. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
40. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
41. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify chaotically
42. To mollify a tuxedo, is to mollify {{adv})
43. Your Dad is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.