UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride ✪ UnNews ✪ Tuesday, February 17, 2026, 03:25:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  2. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  3. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  4. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  5. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  6. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  7. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  8. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  9. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  10. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  11. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  12. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  13. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  14. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  15. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  16. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  17. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  18. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  19. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  20. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  21. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  22. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  23. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  24. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  25. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  26. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  27. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  28. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  29. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  30. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  31. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  32. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  33. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  34. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  35. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  36. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  37. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  38. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  39. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  40. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  41. To advocate a banana, is to advocate blaringly
  42. To advocate a banana, is to advocate {{adv})
  43. Mao Zedong is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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