UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Thursday, October 29, 2026, 14:21:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
2. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
3. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
4. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
5. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
6. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
7. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
8. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
9. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
10. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
11. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
12. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
13. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
14. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
15. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
16. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
17. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
18. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
19. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
20. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
21. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
22. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
23. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
24. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
25. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
26. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
27. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
28. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
29. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
30. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
31. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
32. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
33. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
34. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
35. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
36. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
37. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
38. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
39. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
40. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
41. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot melodramatically
42. To riot a Turing machine, is to riot {{adv})
43. George Washington is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.