UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!

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UnNews

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Wednesday, April 23, 2025, 05:13:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
2. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
3. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
4. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
5. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
6. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
7. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
8. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
9. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
10. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
11. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
12. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
13. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
14. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
15. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
16. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
17. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
18. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
19. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
20. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
21. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
22. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
23. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
24. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
25. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
26. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
27. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
28. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
29. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
30. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
31. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
32. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
33. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
34. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
35. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
36. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
37. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
38. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
39. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
40. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
41. To cramp a rock, is to cramp with composure
42. To cramp a rock, is to cramp {{adv})
43. Michael Jordan is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.