UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Straight talk, from straight faces

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UnNews

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Monday, March 31, 2025, 10:20:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
2. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
3. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
4. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
5. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
6. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
7. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
8. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
9. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
10. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
11. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
12. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
13. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
14. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
15. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
16. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
17. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
18. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
19. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
20. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
21. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
22. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
23. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
24. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
25. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
26. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
27. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
28. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
29. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
30. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
31. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
32. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
33. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
34. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
35. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
36. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
37. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
38. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
39. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
40. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
41. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude exuberantly
42. To extrude a stapler, is to extrude {{adv})
43. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.