UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnFair and UnBalanced ✪ UnNews ✪ Monday, February 2, 2026, 18:48:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  2. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  3. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  4. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  5. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  6. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  7. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  8. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  9. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  10. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  11. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  12. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  13. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  14. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  15. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  16. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  17. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  18. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  19. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  20. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  21. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  22. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  23. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  24. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  25. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  26. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  27. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  28. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  29. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  30. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  31. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  32. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  33. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  34. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  35. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  36. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  37. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  38. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  39. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  40. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  41. To optimize an oven, is to optimize frostily
  42. To optimize an oven, is to optimize {{adv})
  43. Segata Sanshiro is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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