UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

---

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

✪

UnNews

✪

Friday, January 23, 2026, 00:53:59 (UTC)

---

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
2. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
3. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
4. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
5. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
6. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
7. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
8. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
9. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
10. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
11. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
12. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
13. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
14. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
15. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
16. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
17. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
18. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
19. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
20. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
21. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
22. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
23. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
24. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
25. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
26. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
27. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
28. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
29. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
30. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
31. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
32. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
33. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
34. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
35. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
36. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
37. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
38. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
39. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
40. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
41. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather hoarsely
42. To lather a hybrid engine, is to lather {{adv})
43. Pope Francis is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.