UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  2. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  3. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  4. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  5. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  6. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  7. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  8. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  9. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  10. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  11. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  12. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  13. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  14. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  15. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  16. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  17. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  18. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  19. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  20. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  21. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  22. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  23. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  24. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  25. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  26. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  27. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  28. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  29. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  30. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  31. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  32. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  33. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  34. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  35. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  36. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  37. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  38. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  39. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  40. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  41. To fumble tofu, is to fumble severely
  42. To fumble tofu, is to fumble {{adv})
  43. Paul Hindemith is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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