UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride

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UnNews

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Tuesday, May 13, 2025, 17:51:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
2. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
3. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
4. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
5. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
6. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
7. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
8. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
9. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
10. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
11. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
12. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
13. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
14. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
15. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
16. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
17. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
18. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
19. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
20. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
21. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
22. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
23. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
24. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
25. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
26. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
27. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
28. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
29. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
30. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
31. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
32. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
33. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
34. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
35. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
36. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
37. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
38. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
39. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
40. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
41. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate warmly
42. To incinerate a needle, is to incinerate {{adv})
43. Hugh Hefner is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.