UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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The news outlet with approval higher than Congress ✪ UnNews ✪ Monday, February 9, 2026, 15:43:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  2. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  3. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  4. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  5. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  6. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  7. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  8. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  9. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  10. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  11. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  12. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  13. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  14. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  15. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  16. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  17. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  18. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  19. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  20. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  21. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  22. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  23. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  24. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  25. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  26. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  27. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  28. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  29. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  30. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  31. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  32. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  33. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  34. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  35. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  36. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  37. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  38. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  39. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  40. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  41. To bless a paper, is to bless brutally
  42. To bless a paper, is to bless {{adv})
  43. George W. Bush is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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