UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

---

UnFair and UnBalanced

✪

UnNews

✪

Sunday, February 1, 2026, 17:54:59 (UTC)

---

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
2. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
3. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
4. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
5. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
6. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
7. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
8. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
9. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
10. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
11. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
12. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
13. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
14. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
15. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
16. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
17. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
18. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
19. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
20. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
21. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
22. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
23. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
24. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
25. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
26. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
27. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
28. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
29. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
30. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
31. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
32. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
33. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
34. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
35. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
36. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
37. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
38. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
39. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
40. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
41. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena occasionally
42. To subpoena cartilage, is to subpoena {{adv})
43. Bozo is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.