UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We have met the enemy, and he is us

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UnNews

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Tuesday, February 10, 2026, 22:09:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
2. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
3. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
4. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
5. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
6. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
7. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
8. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
9. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
10. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
11. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
12. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
13. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
14. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
15. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
16. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
17. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
18. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
19. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
20. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
21. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
22. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
23. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
24. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
25. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
26. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
27. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
28. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
29. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
30. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
31. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
32. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
33. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
34. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
35. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
36. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
37. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
38. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
39. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
40. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
41. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate frantically
42. To ablate a Turing machine, is to ablate {{adv})
43. Harry Potter© is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.