UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues

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UnNews

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Thursday, October 9, 2025, 04:18:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
2. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
3. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
4. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
5. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
6. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
7. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
8. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
9. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
10. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
11. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
12. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
13. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
14. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
15. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
16. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
17. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
18. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
19. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
20. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
21. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
22. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
23. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
24. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
25. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
26. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
27. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
28. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
29. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
30. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
31. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
32. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
33. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
34. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
35. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
36. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
37. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
38. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
39. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
40. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
41. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy compulsively
42. To putrefy a virus, is to putrefy {{adv})
43. Sal Fasano is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.