UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnFair and UnBalanced

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UnNews

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Sunday, January 18, 2026, 04:49:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
2. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
3. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
4. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
5. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
6. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
7. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
8. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
9. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
10. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
11. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
12. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
13. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
14. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
15. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
16. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
17. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
18. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
19. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
20. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
21. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
22. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
23. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
24. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
25. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
26. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
27. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
28. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
29. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
30. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
31. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
32. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
33. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
34. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
35. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
36. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
37. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
38. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
39. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
40. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
41. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify affably
42. To mollify a stapler, is to mollify {{adv})
43. Barney the Dinosaur is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.