UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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UnNews

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Wednesday, February 25, 2026, 11:56:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
2. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
3. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
4. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
5. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
6. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
7. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
8. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
9. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
10. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
11. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
12. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
13. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
14. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
15. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
16. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
17. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
18. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
19. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
20. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
21. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
22. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
23. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
24. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
25. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
26. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
27. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
28. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
29. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
30. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
31. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
32. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
33. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
34. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
35. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
36. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
37. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
38. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
39. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
40. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
41. To execrate a cob, is to execrate blaringly
42. To execrate a cob, is to execrate {{adv})
43. Queen Elizabeth I is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.