UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, February 5, 2026, 01:24:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  2. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  3. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  4. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  5. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  6. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  7. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  8. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  9. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  10. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  11. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  12. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  13. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  14. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  15. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  16. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  17. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  18. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  19. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  20. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  21. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  22. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  23. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  24. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  25. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  26. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  27. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  28. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  29. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  30. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  31. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  32. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  33. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  34. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  35. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  36. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  37. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  38. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  39. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  40. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  41. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE hatefully
  42. To ASPLODE a t-shirt, is to ASPLODE {{adv})
  43. Jack Daniels is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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