UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, January 22, 2026, 17:12:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  2. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  3. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  4. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  5. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  6. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  7. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  8. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  9. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  10. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  11. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  12. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  13. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  14. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  15. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  16. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  17. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  18. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  19. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  20. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  21. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  22. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  23. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  24. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  25. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  26. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  27. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  28. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  29. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  30. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  31. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  32. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  33. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  34. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  35. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  36. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  37. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  38. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  39. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  40. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  41. To wamble a stick, is to wamble quickly
  42. To wamble a stick, is to wamble {{adv})
  43. Donald Duck is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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