UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Tuesday, February 3, 2026, 14:22:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
2. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
3. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
4. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
5. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
6. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
7. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
8. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
9. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
10. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
11. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
12. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
13. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
14. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
15. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
16. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
17. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
18. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
19. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
20. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
21. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
22. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
23. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
24. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
25. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
26. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
27. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
28. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
29. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
30. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
31. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
32. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
33. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
34. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
35. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
36. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
37. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
38. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
39. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
40. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
41. To burn a bathtub, is to burn badly
42. To burn a bathtub, is to burn {{adv})
43. Mickey Mouse is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.