UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We have met the enemy, and he is us

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UnNews

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Thursday, September 18, 2025, 17:33:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
2. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
3. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
4. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
5. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
6. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
7. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
8. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
9. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
10. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
11. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
12. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
13. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
14. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
15. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
16. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
17. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
18. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
19. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
20. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
21. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
22. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
23. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
24. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
25. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
26. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
27. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
28. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
29. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
30. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
31. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
32. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
33. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
34. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
35. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
36. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
37. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
38. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
39. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
40. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
41. To activate a bikini, is to activate nonchalantly
42. To activate a bikini, is to activate {{adv})
43. Black Jesus is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.