UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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UnNews

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Tuesday, February 17, 2026, 23:34:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
2. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
3. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
4. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
5. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
6. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
7. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
8. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
9. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
10. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
11. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
12. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
13. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
14. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
15. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
16. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
17. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
18. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
19. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
20. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
21. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
22. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
23. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
24. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
25. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
26. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
27. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
28. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
29. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
30. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
31. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
32. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
33. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
34. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
35. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
36. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
37. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
38. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
39. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
40. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
41. To fart cartilage, is to fart ruthlessly
42. To fart cartilage, is to fart {{adv})
43. Shaquille O'Neal is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.