UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Straight talk, from straight faces

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UnNews

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Sunday, February 22, 2026, 08:01:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
2. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
3. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
4. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
5. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
6. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
7. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
8. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
9. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
10. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
11. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
12. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
13. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
14. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
15. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
16. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
17. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
18. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
19. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
20. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
21. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
22. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
23. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
24. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
25. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
26. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
27. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
28. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
29. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
30. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
31. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
32. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
33. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
34. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
35. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
36. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
37. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
38. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
39. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
40. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
41. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize rudely
42. To terrorize a t-shirt, is to terrorize {{adv})
43. Benito Mussolini is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.