UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Monday, June 30, 2025, 21:33:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
2. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
3. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
4. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
5. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
6. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
7. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
8. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
9. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
10. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
11. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
12. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
13. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
14. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
15. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
16. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
17. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
18. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
19. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
20. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
21. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
22. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
23. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
24. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
25. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
26. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
27. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
28. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
29. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
30. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
31. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
32. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
33. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
34. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
35. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
36. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
37. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
38. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
39. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
40. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
41. To bake a pastry, is to bake rudely
42. To bake a pastry, is to bake {{adv})
43. David Beckham is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.