UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Straight talk, from straight faces

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UnNews

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Tuesday, February 10, 2026, 03:51:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
2. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
3. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
4. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
5. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
6. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
7. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
8. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
9. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
10. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
11. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
12. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
13. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
14. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
15. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
16. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
17. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
18. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
19. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
20. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
21. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
22. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
23. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
24. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
25. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
26. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
27. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
28. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
29. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
30. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
31. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
32. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
33. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
34. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
35. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
36. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
37. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
38. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
39. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
40. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
41. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate raucously
42. To exterminate tofu, is to exterminate {{adv})
43. Mel Gibson is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.