UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues

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UnNews

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Wednesday, January 21, 2026, 05:18:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
2. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
3. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
4. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
5. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
6. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
7. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
8. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
9. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
10. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
11. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
12. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
13. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
14. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
15. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
16. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
17. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
18. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
19. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
20. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
21. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
22. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
23. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
24. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
25. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
26. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
27. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
28. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
29. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
30. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
31. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
32. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
33. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
34. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
35. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
36. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
37. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
38. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
39. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
40. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
41. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow grumpily
42. To swallow a tuxedo, is to swallow {{adv})
43. Black Jesus is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.