UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  2. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  3. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  4. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  5. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  6. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  7. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  8. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  9. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  10. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  11. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  12. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  13. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  14. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  15. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  16. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  17. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  18. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  19. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  20. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  21. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  22. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  23. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  24. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  25. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  26. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  27. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  28. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  29. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  30. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  31. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  32. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  33. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  34. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  35. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  36. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  37. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  38. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  39. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  40. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  41. To convert a clock, is to convert nastily
  42. To convert a clock, is to convert {{adv})
  43. Elvis Presley is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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