UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Thursday, February 12, 2026, 22:40:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
2. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
3. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
4. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
5. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
6. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
7. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
8. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
9. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
10. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
11. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
12. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
13. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
14. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
15. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
16. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
17. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
18. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
19. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
20. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
21. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
22. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
23. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
24. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
25. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
26. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
27. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
28. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
29. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
30. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
31. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
32. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
33. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
34. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
35. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
36. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
37. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
38. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
39. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
40. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
41. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate boorishly
42. To fornicate a muffin, is to fornicate {{adv})
43. Your Mom is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.