UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We have met the enemy, and he is us

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UnNews

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Wednesday, February 11, 2026, 11:49:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
2. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
3. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
4. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
5. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
6. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
7. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
8. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
9. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
10. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
11. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
12. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
13. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
14. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
15. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
16. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
17. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
18. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
19. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
20. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
21. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
22. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
23. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
24. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
25. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
26. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
27. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
28. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
29. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
30. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
31. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
32. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
33. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
34. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
35. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
36. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
37. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
38. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
39. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
40. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
41. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy explosively
42. To putrefy a mammary gland, is to putrefy {{adv})
43. Barney the Dinosaur is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.