UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Wednesday, February 11, 2026, 05:17:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
2. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
3. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
4. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
5. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
6. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
7. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
8. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
9. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
10. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
11. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
12. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
13. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
14. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
15. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
16. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
17. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
18. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
19. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
20. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
21. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
22. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
23. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
24. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
25. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
26. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
27. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
28. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
29. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
30. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
31. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
32. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
33. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
34. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
35. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
36. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
37. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
38. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
39. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
40. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
41. To blast a scroll, is to blast fretfully
42. To blast a scroll, is to blast {{adv})
43. Vince McMahon is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.