UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

---

We have met the enemy, and he is us

✪

UnNews

✪

Friday, January 30, 2026, 12:27:59 (UTC)

---

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
2. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
3. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
4. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
5. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
6. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
7. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
8. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
9. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
10. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
11. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
12. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
13. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
14. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
15. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
16. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
17. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
18. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
19. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
20. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
21. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
22. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
23. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
24. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
25. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
26. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
27. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
28. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
29. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
30. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
31. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
32. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
33. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
34. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
35. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
36. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
37. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
38. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
39. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
40. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
41. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct easily
42. To deconstruct a pastry, is to deconstruct {{adv})
43. Mickey Mouse is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.