UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog

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UnNews

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Sunday, February 8, 2026, 13:17:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
2. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
3. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
4. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
5. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
6. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
7. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
8. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
9. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
10. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
11. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
12. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
13. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
14. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
15. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
16. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
17. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
18. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
19. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
20. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
21. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
22. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
23. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
24. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
25. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
26. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
27. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
28. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
29. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
30. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
31. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
32. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
33. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
34. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
35. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
36. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
37. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
38. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
39. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
40. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
41. To eat a tire, is to eat severely
42. To eat a tire, is to eat {{adv})
43. Colin Powell is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.