UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Saturday, January 10, 2026, 20:37:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
2. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
3. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
4. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
5. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
6. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
7. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
8. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
9. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
10. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
11. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
12. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
13. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
14. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
15. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
16. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
17. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
18. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
19. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
20. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
21. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
22. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
23. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
24. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
25. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
26. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
27. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
28. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
29. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
30. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
31. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
32. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
33. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
34. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
35. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
36. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
37. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
38. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
39. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
40. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
41. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify blaringly
42. To edify a centrifuge, is to edify {{adv})
43. Hugh Hefner is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.