UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To push a cow, is to push severely
  2. To push a cow, is to push severely
  3. To push a cow, is to push severely
  4. To push a cow, is to push severely
  5. To push a cow, is to push severely
  6. To push a cow, is to push severely
  7. To push a cow, is to push severely
  8. To push a cow, is to push severely
  9. To push a cow, is to push severely
  10. To push a cow, is to push severely
  11. To push a cow, is to push severely
  12. To push a cow, is to push severely
  13. To push a cow, is to push severely
  14. To push a cow, is to push severely
  15. To push a cow, is to push severely
  16. To push a cow, is to push severely
  17. To push a cow, is to push severely
  18. To push a cow, is to push severely
  19. To push a cow, is to push severely
  20. To push a cow, is to push severely
  21. To push a cow, is to push severely
  22. To push a cow, is to push severely
  23. To push a cow, is to push severely
  24. To push a cow, is to push severely
  25. To push a cow, is to push severely
  26. To push a cow, is to push severely
  27. To push a cow, is to push severely
  28. To push a cow, is to push severely
  29. To push a cow, is to push severely
  30. To push a cow, is to push severely
  31. To push a cow, is to push severely
  32. To push a cow, is to push severely
  33. To push a cow, is to push severely
  34. To push a cow, is to push severely
  35. To push a cow, is to push severely
  36. To push a cow, is to push severely
  37. To push a cow, is to push severely
  38. To push a cow, is to push severely
  39. To push a cow, is to push severely
  40. To push a cow, is to push severely
  41. To push a cow, is to push severely
  42. To push a cow, is to push {{adv})
  43. Kyle Broflovski is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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