UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, January 24, 2026, 23:23:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  2. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  3. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  4. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  5. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  6. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  7. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  8. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  9. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  10. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  11. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  12. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  13. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  14. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  15. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  16. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  17. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  18. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  19. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  20. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  21. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  22. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  23. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  24. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  25. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  26. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  27. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  28. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  29. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  30. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  31. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  32. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  33. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  34. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  35. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  36. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  37. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  38. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  39. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  40. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  41. To program a sacrifice, is to program noisily
  42. To program a sacrifice, is to program {{adv})
  43. Abraham Lincoln is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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