UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride

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UnNews

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Friday, June 6, 2025, 19:49:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
2. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
3. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
4. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
5. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
6. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
7. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
8. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
9. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
10. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
11. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
12. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
13. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
14. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
15. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
16. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
17. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
18. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
19. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
20. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
21. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
22. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
23. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
24. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
25. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
26. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
27. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
28. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
29. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
30. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
31. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
32. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
33. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
34. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
35. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
36. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
37. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
38. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
39. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
40. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
41. To untie a mouse, is to untie cheekily
42. To untie a mouse, is to untie {{adv})
43. Benito Mussolini is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.