UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

---

Fake News that's honestly fake

✪

UnNews

✪

Sunday, February 15, 2026, 18:25:59 (UTC)

---

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
2. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
3. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
4. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
5. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
6. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
7. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
8. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
9. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
10. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
11. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
12. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
13. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
14. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
15. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
16. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
17. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
18. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
19. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
20. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
21. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
22. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
23. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
24. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
25. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
26. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
27. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
28. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
29. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
30. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
31. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
32. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
33. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
34. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
35. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
36. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
37. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
38. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
39. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
40. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
41. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate extremely
42. To castrate a t-shirt, is to castrate {{adv})
43. John Travolta is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.