UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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UnNews

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Saturday, January 24, 2026, 04:09:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
2. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
3. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
4. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
5. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
6. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
7. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
8. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
9. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
10. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
11. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
12. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
13. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
14. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
15. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
16. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
17. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
18. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
19. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
20. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
21. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
22. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
23. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
24. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
25. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
26. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
27. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
28. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
29. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
30. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
31. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
32. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
33. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
34. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
35. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
36. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
37. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
38. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
39. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
40. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
41. To extrude a skull, is to extrude brutally
42. To extrude a skull, is to extrude {{adv})
43. Queen Elizabeth I is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.