UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog

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UnNews

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Friday, February 20, 2026, 14:32:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
2. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
3. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
4. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
5. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
6. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
7. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
8. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
9. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
10. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
11. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
12. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
13. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
14. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
15. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
16. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
17. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
18. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
19. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
20. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
21. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
22. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
23. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
24. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
25. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
26. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
27. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
28. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
29. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
30. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
31. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
32. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
33. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
34. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
35. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
36. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
37. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
38. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
39. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
40. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
41. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate verbosely
42. To cogitate a homology, is to cogitate {{adv})
43. The King of the Internet is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.