UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride

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UnNews

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Monday, February 2, 2026, 07:49:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
2. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
3. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
4. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
5. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
6. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
7. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
8. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
9. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
10. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
11. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
12. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
13. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
14. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
15. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
16. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
17. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
18. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
19. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
20. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
21. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
22. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
23. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
24. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
25. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
26. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
27. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
28. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
29. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
30. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
31. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
32. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
33. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
34. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
35. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
36. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
37. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
38. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
39. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
40. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
41. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate carefully
42. To oscitate a diesel engine, is to oscitate {{adv})
43. Timmy Turner is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.