UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnFair and UnBalanced ✪ UnNews ✪ Tuesday, January 20, 2026, 06:15:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  2. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  3. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  4. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  5. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  6. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  7. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  8. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  9. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  10. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  11. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  12. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  13. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  14. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  15. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  16. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  17. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  18. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  19. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  20. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  21. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  22. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  23. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  24. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  25. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  26. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  27. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  28. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  29. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  30. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  31. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  32. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  33. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  34. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  35. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  36. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  37. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  38. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  39. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  40. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  41. To google a tomato, is to google completely
  42. To google a tomato, is to google {{adv})
  43. Donkey Kong is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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