UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Monday, February 16, 2026, 14:15:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
2. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
3. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
4. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
5. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
6. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
7. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
8. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
9. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
10. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
11. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
12. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
13. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
14. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
15. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
16. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
17. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
18. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
19. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
20. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
21. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
22. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
23. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
24. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
25. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
26. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
27. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
28. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
29. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
30. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
31. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
32. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
33. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
34. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
35. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
36. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
37. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
38. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
39. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
40. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
41. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate completely
42. To exterminate a plague, is to exterminate {{adv})
43. Edgar Allan Poe is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.