UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Straight talk, from straight faces

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UnNews

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Thursday, February 19, 2026, 04:02:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
2. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
3. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
4. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
5. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
6. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
7. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
8. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
9. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
10. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
11. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
12. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
13. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
14. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
15. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
16. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
17. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
18. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
19. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
20. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
21. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
22. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
23. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
24. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
25. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
26. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
27. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
28. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
29. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
30. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
31. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
32. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
33. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
34. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
35. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
36. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
37. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
38. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
39. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
40. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
41. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate fretfully
42. To fornicate a mammary gland, is to fornicate {{adv})
43. Sal Fasano is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.