UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride

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UnNews

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Thursday, February 5, 2026, 07:17:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
2. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
3. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
4. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
5. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
6. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
7. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
8. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
9. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
10. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
11. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
12. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
13. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
14. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
15. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
16. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
17. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
18. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
19. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
20. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
21. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
22. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
23. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
24. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
25. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
26. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
27. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
28. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
29. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
30. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
31. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
32. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
33. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
34. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
35. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
36. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
37. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
38. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
39. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
40. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
41. To pander a diode, is to pander fervently
42. To pander a diode, is to pander {{adv})
43. Timmy Turner is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.