UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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UnNews

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Monday, February 9, 2026, 02:33:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
2. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
3. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
4. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
5. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
6. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
7. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
8. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
9. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
10. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
11. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
12. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
13. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
14. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
15. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
16. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
17. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
18. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
19. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
20. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
21. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
22. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
23. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
24. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
25. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
26. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
27. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
28. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
29. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
30. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
31. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
32. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
33. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
34. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
35. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
36. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
37. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
38. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
39. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
40. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
41. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate haphazardly
42. To exterminate a diesel engine, is to exterminate {{adv})
43. Jimbo Wales is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.