UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Democracy Dies with Dignity

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UnNews

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Thursday, January 15, 2026, 19:30:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
2. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
3. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
4. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
5. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
6. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
7. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
8. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
9. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
10. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
11. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
12. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
13. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
14. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
15. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
16. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
17. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
18. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
19. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
20. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
21. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
22. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
23. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
24. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
25. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
26. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
27. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
28. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
29. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
30. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
31. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
32. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
33. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
34. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
35. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
36. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
37. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
38. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
39. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
40. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
41. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn relentlessly
42. To burn a centrifuge, is to burn {{adv})
43. Tony Soprano is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.