UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Straight talk, from straight faces

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UnNews

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Tuesday, February 24, 2026, 02:43:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
2. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
3. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
4. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
5. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
6. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
7. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
8. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
9. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
10. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
11. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
12. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
13. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
14. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
15. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
16. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
17. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
18. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
19. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
20. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
21. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
22. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
23. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
24. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
25. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
26. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
27. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
28. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
29. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
30. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
31. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
32. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
33. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
34. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
35. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
36. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
37. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
38. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
39. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
40. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
41. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify unsympathetically
42. To calcify a pastry, is to calcify {{adv})
43. Albert Einstein is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.