UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

---

Where man always bites dog

✪

UnNews

✪

Thursday, January 29, 2026, 13:58:59 (UTC)

---

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
2. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
3. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
4. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
5. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
6. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
7. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
8. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
9. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
10. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
11. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
12. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
13. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
14. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
15. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
16. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
17. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
18. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
19. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
20. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
21. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
22. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
23. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
24. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
25. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
26. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
27. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
28. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
29. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
30. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
31. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
32. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
33. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
34. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
35. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
36. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
37. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
38. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
39. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
40. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
41. To orate a rock, is to orate nonchalantly
42. To orate a rock, is to orate {{adv})
43. Randy Savage is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.