UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Straight talk, from straight faces

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UnNews

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Saturday, January 31, 2026, 01:20:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
2. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
3. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
4. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
5. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
6. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
7. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
8. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
9. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
10. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
11. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
12. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
13. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
14. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
15. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
16. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
17. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
18. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
19. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
20. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
21. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
22. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
23. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
24. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
25. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
26. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
27. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
28. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
29. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
30. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
31. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
32. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
33. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
34. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
35. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
36. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
37. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
38. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
39. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
40. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
41. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize bitterly
42. To seizurize magma, is to seizurize {{adv})
43. Leonard Bernstein is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.