UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Democracy Dies with Dignity ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, February 5, 2026, 20:55:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  2. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  3. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  4. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  5. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  6. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  7. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  8. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  9. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  10. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  11. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  12. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  13. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  14. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  15. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  16. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  17. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  18. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  19. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  20. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  21. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  22. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  23. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  24. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  25. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  26. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  27. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  28. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  29. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  30. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  31. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  32. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  33. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  34. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  35. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  36. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  37. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  38. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  39. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  40. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  41. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle easily
  42. To bamboozle a homotopy, is to bamboozle {{adv})
  43. Matt Groening is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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