UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Saturday, February 21, 2026, 06:32:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
2. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
3. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
4. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
5. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
6. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
7. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
8. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
9. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
10. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
11. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
12. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
13. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
14. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
15. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
16. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
17. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
18. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
19. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
20. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
21. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
22. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
23. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
24. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
25. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
26. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
27. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
28. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
29. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
30. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
31. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
32. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
33. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
34. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
35. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
36. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
37. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
38. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
39. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
40. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
41. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate rhythmically
42. To fornicate a search engine, is to fornicate {{adv})
43. Adolf Hitler is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.