UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Democracy Dies with Dignity

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UnNews

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Wednesday, January 14, 2026, 12:37:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
2. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
3. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
4. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
5. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
6. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
7. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
8. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
9. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
10. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
11. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
12. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
13. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
14. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
15. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
16. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
17. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
18. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
19. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
20. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
21. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
22. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
23. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
24. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
25. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
26. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
27. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
28. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
29. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
30. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
31. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
32. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
33. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
34. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
35. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
36. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
37. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
38. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
39. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
40. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
41. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate offensively
42. To ameliorate a muskrat, is to ameliorate {{adv})
43. Big the Cat is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.