UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnFair and UnBalanced

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UnNews

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Friday, January 16, 2026, 18:18:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
2. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
3. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
4. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
5. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
6. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
7. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
8. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
9. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
10. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
11. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
12. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
13. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
14. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
15. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
16. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
17. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
18. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
19. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
20. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
21. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
22. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
23. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
24. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
25. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
26. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
27. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
28. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
29. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
30. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
31. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
32. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
33. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
34. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
35. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
36. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
37. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
38. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
39. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
40. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
41. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave warmly
42. To shave a lawn mower, is to shave {{adv})
43. Bill Bailey is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.