UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Tuesday, February 24, 2026, 21:55:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  2. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  3. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  4. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  5. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  6. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  7. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  8. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  9. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  10. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  11. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  12. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  13. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  14. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  15. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  16. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  17. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  18. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  19. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  20. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  21. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  22. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  23. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  24. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  25. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  26. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  27. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  28. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  29. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  30. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  31. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  32. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  33. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  34. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  35. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  36. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  37. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  38. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  39. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  40. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  41. To whack an anvil, is to whack brutally
  42. To whack an anvil, is to whack {{adv})
  43. The King of the Internet is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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