UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Thursday, February 26, 2026, 07:36:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
2. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
3. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
4. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
5. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
6. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
7. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
8. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
9. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
10. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
11. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
12. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
13. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
14. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
15. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
16. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
17. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
18. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
19. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
20. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
21. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
22. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
23. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
24. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
25. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
26. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
27. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
28. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
29. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
30. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
31. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
32. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
33. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
34. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
35. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
36. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
37. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
38. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
39. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
40. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
41. To crankle lithium, is to crankle callously
42. To crankle lithium, is to crankle {{adv})
43. Elton John is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.