UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Tuesday, February 24, 2026, 15:04:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
2. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
3. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
4. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
5. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
6. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
7. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
8. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
9. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
10. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
11. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
12. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
13. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
14. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
15. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
16. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
17. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
18. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
19. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
20. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
21. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
22. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
23. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
24. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
25. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
26. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
27. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
28. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
29. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
30. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
31. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
32. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
33. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
34. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
35. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
36. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
37. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
38. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
39. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
40. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
41. To cramp a virus, is to cramp peevishly
42. To cramp a virus, is to cramp {{adv})
43. Samus Aran is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.