UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We have met the enemy, and he is us

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UnNews

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Thursday, August 21, 2025, 21:13:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
2. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
3. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
4. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
5. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
6. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
7. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
8. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
9. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
10. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
11. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
12. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
13. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
14. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
15. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
16. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
17. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
18. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
19. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
20. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
21. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
22. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
23. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
24. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
25. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
26. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
27. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
28. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
29. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
30. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
31. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
32. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
33. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
34. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
35. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
36. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
37. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
38. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
39. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
40. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
41. To complement magma, is to complement carefully
42. To complement magma, is to complement {{adv})
43. Tom Osborne is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.