UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog ✪ UnNews ✪ Friday, February 20, 2026, 21:19:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  2. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  3. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  4. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  5. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  6. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  7. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  8. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  9. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  10. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  11. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  12. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  13. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  14. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  15. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  16. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  17. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  18. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  19. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  20. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  21. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  22. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  23. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  24. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  25. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  26. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  27. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  28. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  29. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  30. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  31. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  32. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  33. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  34. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  35. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  36. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  37. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  38. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  39. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  40. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  41. To envision a tire, is to envision offensively
  42. To envision a tire, is to envision {{adv})
  43. Queen Elizabeth I is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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