UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Thursday, January 22, 2026, 10:13:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
2. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
3. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
4. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
5. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
6. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
7. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
8. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
9. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
10. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
11. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
12. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
13. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
14. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
15. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
16. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
17. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
18. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
19. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
20. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
21. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
22. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
23. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
24. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
25. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
26. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
27. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
28. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
29. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
30. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
31. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
32. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
33. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
34. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
35. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
36. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
37. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
38. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
39. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
40. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
41. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate quickly
42. To incinerate a telephone, is to incinerate {{adv})
43. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.