UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

---

Democracy Dies with Dignity

✪

UnNews

✪

Monday, February 16, 2026, 01:52:59 (UTC)

---

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
2. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
3. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
4. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
5. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
6. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
7. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
8. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
9. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
10. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
11. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
12. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
13. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
14. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
15. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
16. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
17. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
18. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
19. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
20. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
21. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
22. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
23. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
24. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
25. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
26. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
27. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
28. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
29. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
30. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
31. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
32. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
33. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
34. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
35. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
36. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
37. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
38. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
39. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
40. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
41. To steal a hairball, is to steal offensively
42. To steal a hairball, is to steal {{adv})
43. Dr. Robotnik is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.