UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog

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UnNews

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Tuesday, August 11, 2026, 06:02:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
2. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
3. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
4. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
5. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
6. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
7. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
8. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
9. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
10. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
11. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
12. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
13. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
14. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
15. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
16. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
17. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
18. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
19. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
20. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
21. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
22. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
23. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
24. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
25. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
26. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
27. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
28. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
29. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
30. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
31. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
32. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
33. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
34. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
35. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
36. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
37. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
38. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
39. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
40. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
41. To shave a lobster, is to shave rudely
42. To shave a lobster, is to shave {{adv})
43. Gottfried Leibniz is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.