UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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UnNews

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Monday, January 12, 2026, 16:01:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
2. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
3. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
4. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
5. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
6. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
7. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
8. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
9. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
10. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
11. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
12. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
13. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
14. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
15. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
16. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
17. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
18. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
19. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
20. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
21. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
22. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
23. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
24. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
25. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
26. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
27. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
28. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
29. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
30. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
31. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
32. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
33. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
34. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
35. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
36. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
37. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
38. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
39. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
40. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
41. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate colloquially
42. To ameliorate a mouse, is to ameliorate {{adv})
43. Ringo Starr is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.