UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog

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UnNews

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Wednesday, February 11, 2026, 19:42:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
2. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
3. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
4. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
5. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
6. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
7. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
8. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
9. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
10. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
11. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
12. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
13. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
14. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
15. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
16. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
17. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
18. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
19. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
20. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
21. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
22. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
23. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
24. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
25. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
26. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
27. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
28. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
29. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
30. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
31. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
32. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
33. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
34. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
35. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
36. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
37. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
38. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
39. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
40. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
41. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize lackadaisically
42. To graphitize a stapler, is to graphitize {{adv})
43. Hulk Hogan is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.