UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Democracy Dies with Dignity ✪ UnNews ✪ Wednesday, February 18, 2026, 20:27:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  2. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  3. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  4. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  5. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  6. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  7. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  8. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  9. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  10. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  11. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  12. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  13. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  14. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  15. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  16. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  17. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  18. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  19. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  20. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  21. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  22. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  23. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  24. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  25. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  26. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  27. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  28. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  29. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  30. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  31. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  32. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  33. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  34. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  35. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  36. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  37. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  38. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  39. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  40. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  41. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate shoddily
  42. To ejaculate a paper, is to ejaculate {{adv})
  43. Goku is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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