UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We have met the enemy, and he is us

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UnNews

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Friday, February 20, 2026, 01:08:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
2. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
3. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
4. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
5. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
6. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
7. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
8. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
9. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
10. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
11. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
12. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
13. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
14. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
15. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
16. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
17. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
18. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
19. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
20. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
21. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
22. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
23. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
24. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
25. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
26. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
27. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
28. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
29. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
30. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
31. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
32. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
33. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
34. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
35. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
36. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
37. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
38. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
39. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
40. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
41. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling unsympathetically
42. To fling a hybrid engine, is to fling {{adv})
43. Angelina Jolie is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.