UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  2. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  3. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  4. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  5. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  6. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  7. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  8. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  9. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  10. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  11. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  12. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  13. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  14. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  15. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  16. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  17. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  18. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  19. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  20. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  21. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  22. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  23. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  24. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  25. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  26. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  27. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  28. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  29. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  30. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  31. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  32. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  33. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  34. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  35. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  36. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  37. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  38. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  39. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  40. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  41. To mature cartilage, is to mature completely
  42. To mature cartilage, is to mature {{adv})
  43. Leonardo da Vinci is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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