UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Tuesday, January 27, 2026, 20:46:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  2. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  3. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  4. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  5. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  6. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  7. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  8. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  9. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  10. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  11. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  12. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  13. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  14. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  15. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  16. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  17. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  18. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  19. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  20. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  21. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  22. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  23. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  24. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  25. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  26. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  27. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  28. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  29. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  30. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  31. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  32. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  33. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  34. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  35. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  36. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  37. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  38. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  39. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  40. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  41. To steal a clock, is to steal rhythmically
  42. To steal a clock, is to steal {{adv})
  43. Barney the Dinosaur is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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