UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  2. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  3. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  4. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  5. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  6. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  7. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  8. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  9. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  10. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  11. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  12. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  13. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  14. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  15. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  16. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  17. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  18. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  19. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  20. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  21. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  22. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  23. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  24. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  25. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  26. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  27. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  28. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  29. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  30. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  31. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  32. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  33. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  34. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  35. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  36. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  37. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  38. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  39. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  40. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  41. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate callously
  42. To fornicate a rake, is to fornicate {{adv})
  43. Megatron is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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