UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride

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UnNews

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Wednesday, February 25, 2026, 04:21:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
2. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
3. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
4. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
5. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
6. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
7. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
8. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
9. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
10. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
11. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
12. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
13. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
14. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
15. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
16. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
17. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
18. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
19. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
20. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
21. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
22. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
23. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
24. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
25. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
26. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
27. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
28. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
29. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
30. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
31. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
32. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
33. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
34. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
35. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
36. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
37. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
38. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
39. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
40. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
41. To deport a computer, is to deport puzzlingly
42. To deport a computer, is to deport {{adv})
43. Paul Hindemith is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.