UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride

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UnNews

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Saturday, January 17, 2026, 01:16:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
2. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
3. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
4. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
5. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
6. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
7. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
8. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
9. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
10. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
11. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
12. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
13. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
14. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
15. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
16. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
17. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
18. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
19. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
20. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
21. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
22. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
23. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
24. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
25. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
26. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
27. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
28. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
29. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
30. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
31. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
32. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
33. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
34. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
35. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
36. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
37. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
38. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
39. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
40. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
41. To urinate a tire, is to urinate coarsely
42. To urinate a tire, is to urinate {{adv})
43. Pee-wee Herman is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.