UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Friday, January 16, 2026, 02:54:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
2. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
3. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
4. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
5. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
6. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
7. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
8. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
9. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
10. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
11. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
12. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
13. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
14. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
15. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
16. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
17. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
18. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
19. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
20. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
21. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
22. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
23. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
24. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
25. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
26. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
27. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
28. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
29. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
30. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
31. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
32. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
33. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
34. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
35. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
36. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
37. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
38. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
39. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
40. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
41. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble uncontrollably
42. To fumble a hot dog, is to fumble {{adv})
43. Stephen Colbert is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.