UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  2. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  3. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  4. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  5. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  6. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  7. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  8. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  9. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  10. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  11. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  12. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  13. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  14. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  15. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  16. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  17. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  18. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  19. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  20. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  21. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  22. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  23. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  24. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  25. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  26. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  27. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  28. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  29. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  30. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  31. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  32. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  33. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  34. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  35. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  36. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  37. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  38. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  39. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  40. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  41. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap virtually
  42. To zap an air conditioner, is to zap {{adv})
  43. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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