UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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UnNews

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Sunday, January 25, 2026, 05:58:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
2. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
3. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
4. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
5. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
6. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
7. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
8. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
9. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
10. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
11. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
12. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
13. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
14. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
15. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
16. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
17. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
18. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
19. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
20. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
21. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
22. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
23. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
24. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
25. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
26. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
27. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
28. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
29. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
30. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
31. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
32. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
33. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
34. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
35. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
36. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
37. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
38. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
39. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
40. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
41. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate senselessly
42. To ruminate an operating system, is to ruminate {{adv})
43. Tom Osborne is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.