UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, February 26, 2026, 00:27:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  2. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  3. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  4. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  5. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  6. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  7. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  8. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  9. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  10. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  11. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  12. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  13. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  14. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  15. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  16. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  17. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  18. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  19. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  20. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  21. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  22. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  23. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  24. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  25. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  26. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  27. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  28. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  29. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  30. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  31. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  32. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  33. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  34. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  35. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  36. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  37. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  38. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  39. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  40. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  41. To zap a rock, is to zap insufficiently
  42. To zap a rock, is to zap {{adv})
  43. Harry Potter is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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