UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  2. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  3. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  4. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  5. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  6. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  7. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  8. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  9. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  10. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  11. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  12. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  13. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  14. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  15. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  16. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  17. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  18. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  19. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  20. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  21. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  22. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  23. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  24. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  25. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  26. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  27. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  28. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  29. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  30. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  31. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  32. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  33. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  34. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  35. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  36. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  37. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  38. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  39. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  40. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  41. To pander a book, is to pander coarsely
  42. To pander a book, is to pander {{adv})
  43. Fatty Arbuckle is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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