UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

---

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

✪

UnNews

✪

Friday, January 30, 2026, 18:58:59 (UTC)

---

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
2. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
3. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
4. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
5. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
6. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
7. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
8. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
9. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
10. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
11. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
12. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
13. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
14. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
15. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
16. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
17. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
18. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
19. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
20. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
21. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
22. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
23. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
24. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
25. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
26. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
27. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
28. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
29. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
30. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
31. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
32. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
33. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
34. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
35. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
36. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
37. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
38. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
39. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
40. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
41. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate brazenly
42. To fornicate a cob, is to fornicate {{adv})
43. Mel Gibson is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.