UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, February 14, 2026, 09:42:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  2. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  3. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  4. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  5. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  6. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  7. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  8. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  9. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  10. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  11. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  12. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  13. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  14. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  15. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  16. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  17. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  18. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  19. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  20. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  21. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  22. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  23. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  24. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  25. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  26. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  27. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  28. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  29. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  30. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  31. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  32. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  33. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  34. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  35. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  36. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  37. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  38. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  39. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  40. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  41. To wash a scroll, is to wash continuously
  42. To wash a scroll, is to wash {{adv})
  43. Jimmy Hoffa is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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