UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

---

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

✪

UnNews

✪

Saturday, January 17, 2026, 15:45:59 (UTC)

---

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
2. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
3. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
4. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
5. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
6. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
7. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
8. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
9. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
10. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
11. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
12. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
13. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
14. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
15. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
16. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
17. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
18. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
19. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
20. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
21. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
22. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
23. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
24. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
25. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
26. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
27. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
28. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
29. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
30. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
31. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
32. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
33. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
34. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
35. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
36. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
37. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
38. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
39. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
40. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
41. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify brutally
42. To acidify a tooth, is to acidify {{adv})
43. Abraham Lincoln is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.