UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog

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UnNews

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Wednesday, February 25, 2026, 18:02:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
2. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
3. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
4. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
5. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
6. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
7. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
8. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
9. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
10. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
11. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
12. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
13. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
14. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
15. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
16. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
17. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
18. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
19. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
20. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
21. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
22. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
23. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
24. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
25. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
26. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
27. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
28. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
29. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
30. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
31. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
32. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
33. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
34. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
35. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
36. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
37. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
38. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
39. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
40. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
41. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump crazily
42. To hump a sacrifice, is to hump {{adv})
43. Scooter Libby is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.