UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Tuesday, March 31, 2026, 11:09:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
2. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
3. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
4. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
5. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
6. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
7. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
8. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
9. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
10. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
11. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
12. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
13. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
14. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
15. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
16. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
17. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
18. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
19. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
20. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
21. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
22. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
23. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
24. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
25. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
26. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
27. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
28. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
29. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
30. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
31. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
32. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
33. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
34. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
35. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
36. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
37. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
38. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
39. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
40. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
41. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate bitterly
42. To deteriorate a diet pill, is to deteriorate {{adv})
43. Jennifer Aniston is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.