UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Thursday, January 15, 2026, 02:51:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
2. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
3. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
4. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
5. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
6. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
7. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
8. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
9. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
10. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
11. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
12. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
13. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
14. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
15. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
16. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
17. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
18. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
19. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
20. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
21. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
22. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
23. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
24. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
25. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
26. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
27. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
28. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
29. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
30. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
31. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
32. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
33. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
34. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
35. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
36. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
37. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
38. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
39. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
40. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
41. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate to a great degree
42. To ablate a bikini, is to ablate {{adv})
43. Gordon Brown is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.