UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues

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UnNews

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Wednesday, July 22, 2026, 03:39:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
2. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
3. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
4. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
5. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
6. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
7. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
8. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
9. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
10. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
11. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
12. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
13. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
14. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
15. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
16. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
17. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
18. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
19. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
20. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
21. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
22. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
23. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
24. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
25. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
26. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
27. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
28. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
29. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
30. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
31. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
32. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
33. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
34. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
35. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
36. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
37. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
38. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
39. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
40. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
41. To steal a memo, is to steal raucously
42. To steal a memo, is to steal {{adv})
43. Queen Elizabeth I is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.