UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Friday, April 19, 2024, 04:03:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
2. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
3. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
4. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
5. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
6. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
7. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
8. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
9. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
10. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
11. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
12. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
13. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
14. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
15. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
16. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
17. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
18. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
19. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
20. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
21. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
22. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
23. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
24. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
25. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
26. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
27. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
28. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
29. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
30. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
31. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
32. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
33. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
34. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
35. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
36. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
37. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
38. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
39. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
40. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
41. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate nonchalantly
42. To exterminate glycerin, is to exterminate {{adv})
43. Tony Blair is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.