UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

---

Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!

✪

UnNews

✪

Wednesday, July 1, 2026, 23:52:59 (UTC)

---

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
2. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
3. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
4. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
5. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
6. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
7. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
8. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
9. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
10. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
11. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
12. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
13. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
14. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
15. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
16. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
17. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
18. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
19. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
20. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
21. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
22. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
23. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
24. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
25. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
26. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
27. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
28. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
29. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
30. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
31. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
32. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
33. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
34. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
35. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
36. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
37. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
38. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
39. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
40. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
41. To fling a tomato, is to fling quickly
42. To fling a tomato, is to fling {{adv})
43. Natalie Portman is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.