UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

---

The news outlet with approval higher than Congress

✪

UnNews

✪

Wednesday, January 21, 2026, 23:01:59 (UTC)

---

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
2. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
3. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
4. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
5. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
6. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
7. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
8. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
9. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
10. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
11. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
12. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
13. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
14. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
15. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
16. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
17. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
18. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
19. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
20. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
21. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
22. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
23. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
24. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
25. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
26. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
27. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
28. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
29. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
30. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
31. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
32. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
33. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
34. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
35. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
36. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
37. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
38. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
39. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
40. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
41. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize fondly
42. To baptize a salad fork, is to baptize {{adv})
43. Anonymousia de Bergerac-Fleur is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.