UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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UnNews

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Saturday, February 7, 2026, 11:35:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
2. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
3. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
4. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
5. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
6. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
7. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
8. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
9. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
10. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
11. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
12. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
13. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
14. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
15. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
16. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
17. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
18. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
19. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
20. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
21. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
22. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
23. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
24. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
25. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
26. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
27. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
28. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
29. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
30. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
31. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
32. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
33. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
34. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
35. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
36. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
37. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
38. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
39. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
40. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
41. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate fervently
42. To burninate a kitten, is to burninate {{adv})
43. Pythagoras is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.