UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Thursday, June 11, 2026, 20:58:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
2. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
3. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
4. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
5. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
6. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
7. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
8. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
9. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
10. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
11. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
12. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
13. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
14. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
15. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
16. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
17. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
18. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
19. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
20. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
21. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
22. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
23. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
24. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
25. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
26. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
27. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
28. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
29. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
30. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
31. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
32. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
33. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
34. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
35. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
36. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
37. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
38. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
39. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
40. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
41. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize thoroughly
42. To seizurize a rock, is to seizurize {{adv})
43. Cloud Strife is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.