UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Wednesday, February 4, 2026, 19:07:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  2. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  3. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  4. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  5. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  6. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  7. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  8. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  9. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  10. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  11. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  12. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  13. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  14. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  15. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  16. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  17. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  18. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  19. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  20. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  21. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  22. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  23. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  24. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  25. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  26. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  27. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  28. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  29. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  30. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  31. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  32. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  33. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  34. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  35. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  36. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  37. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  38. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  39. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  40. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  41. To write a cat, is to write chaotically
  42. To write a cat, is to write {{adv})
  43. Paris Hilton is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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