UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We have met the enemy, and he is us

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UnNews

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Friday, February 6, 2026, 22:06:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
2. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
3. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
4. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
5. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
6. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
7. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
8. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
9. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
10. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
11. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
12. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
13. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
14. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
15. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
16. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
17. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
18. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
19. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
20. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
21. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
22. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
23. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
24. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
25. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
26. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
27. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
28. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
29. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
30. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
31. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
32. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
33. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
34. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
35. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
36. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
37. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
38. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
39. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
40. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
41. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate obnoxiously
42. To oscillate a rock, is to oscillate {{adv})
43. Hugh Hefner is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.