UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Monday, February 23, 2026, 18:09:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
2. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
3. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
4. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
5. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
6. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
7. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
8. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
9. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
10. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
11. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
12. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
13. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
14. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
15. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
16. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
17. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
18. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
19. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
20. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
21. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
22. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
23. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
24. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
25. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
26. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
27. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
28. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
29. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
30. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
31. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
32. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
33. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
34. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
35. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
36. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
37. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
38. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
39. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
40. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
41. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn distastefully
42. To pwn a blow-up doll, is to pwn {{adv})
43. Adolf Hitler is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.