UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Tuesday, November 4, 2025, 23:57:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
2. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
3. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
4. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
5. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
6. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
7. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
8. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
9. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
10. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
11. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
12. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
13. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
14. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
15. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
16. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
17. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
18. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
19. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
20. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
21. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
22. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
23. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
24. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
25. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
26. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
27. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
28. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
29. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
30. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
31. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
32. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
33. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
34. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
35. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
36. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
37. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
38. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
39. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
40. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
41. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble seldom
42. To wamble an anvil, is to wamble {{adv})
43. Meg Griffin is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.