UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Wednesday, January 7, 2026, 05:08:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  2. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  3. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  4. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  5. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  6. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  7. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  8. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  9. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  10. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  11. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  12. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  13. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  14. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  15. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  16. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  17. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  18. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  19. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  20. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  21. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  22. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  23. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  24. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  25. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  26. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  27. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  28. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  29. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  30. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  31. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  32. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  33. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  34. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  35. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  36. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  37. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  38. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  39. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  40. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  41. To geld a search engine, is to geld endlessly
  42. To geld a search engine, is to geld {{adv})
  43. Jesus is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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