UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Tuesday, February 3, 2026, 08:13:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
2. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
3. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
4. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
5. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
6. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
7. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
8. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
9. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
10. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
11. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
12. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
13. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
14. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
15. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
16. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
17. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
18. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
19. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
20. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
21. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
22. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
23. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
24. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
25. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
26. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
27. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
28. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
29. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
30. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
31. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
32. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
33. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
34. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
35. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
36. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
37. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
38. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
39. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
40. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
41. To legislate a cat, is to legislate exuberantly
42. To legislate a cat, is to legislate {{adv})
43. Your Mom is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.