UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  2. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  3. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  4. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  5. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  6. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  7. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  8. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  9. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  10. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  11. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  12. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  13. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  14. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  15. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  16. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  17. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  18. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  19. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  20. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  21. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  22. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  23. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  24. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  25. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  26. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  27. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  28. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  29. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  30. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  31. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  32. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  33. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  34. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  35. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  36. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  37. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  38. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  39. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  40. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  41. To reward a balloon, is to reward verbosely
  42. To reward a balloon, is to reward {{adv})
  43. Lech Wałęsa is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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