UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog ✪ UnNews ✪ Tuesday, February 3, 2026, 21:10:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  2. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  3. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  4. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  5. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  6. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  7. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  8. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  9. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  10. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  11. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  12. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  13. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  14. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  15. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  16. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  17. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  18. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  19. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  20. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  21. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  22. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  23. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  24. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  25. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  26. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  27. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  28. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  29. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  30. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  31. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  32. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  33. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  34. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  35. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  36. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  37. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  38. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  39. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  40. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  41. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate frantically
  42. To incinerate a clock, is to incinerate {{adv})
  43. Meg Griffin is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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