UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  2. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  3. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  4. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  5. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  6. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  7. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  8. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  9. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  10. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  11. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  12. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  13. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  14. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  15. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  16. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  17. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  18. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  19. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  20. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  21. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  22. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  23. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  24. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  25. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  26. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  27. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  28. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  29. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  30. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  31. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  32. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  33. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  34. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  35. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  36. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  37. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  38. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  39. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  40. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  41. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak nonchalantly
  42. To speak a sacrifice, is to speak {{adv})
  43. Dr. Phil is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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