UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride ✪ UnNews ✪ Friday, January 23, 2026, 09:26:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  2. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  3. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  4. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  5. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  6. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  7. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  8. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  9. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  10. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  11. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  12. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  13. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  14. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  15. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  16. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  17. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  18. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  19. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  20. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  21. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  22. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  23. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  24. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  25. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  26. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  27. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  28. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  29. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  30. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  31. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  32. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  33. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  34. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  35. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  36. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  37. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  38. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  39. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  40. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  41. To litigate a stick, is to litigate brutally
  42. To litigate a stick, is to litigate {{adv})
  43. Samus Aran is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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