UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We have met the enemy, and he is us

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UnNews

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Sunday, February 15, 2026, 11:30:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
2. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
3. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
4. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
5. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
6. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
7. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
8. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
9. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
10. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
11. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
12. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
13. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
14. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
15. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
16. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
17. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
18. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
19. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
20. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
21. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
22. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
23. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
24. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
25. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
26. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
27. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
28. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
29. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
30. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
31. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
32. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
33. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
34. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
35. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
36. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
37. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
38. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
39. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
40. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
41. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate grotesquely
42. To meditate a mouse, is to meditate {{adv})
43. Sterling Morton is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.