UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnFair and UnBalanced ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, February 12, 2026, 02:13:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  2. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  3. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  4. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  5. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  6. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  7. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  8. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  9. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  10. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  11. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  12. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  13. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  14. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  15. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  16. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  17. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  18. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  19. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  20. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  21. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  22. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  23. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  24. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  25. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  26. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  27. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  28. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  29. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  30. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  31. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  32. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  33. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  34. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  35. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  36. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  37. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  38. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  39. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  40. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  41. To golf a diode, is to golf downright
  42. To golf a diode, is to golf {{adv})
  43. Mel Gibson is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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