UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We have met the enemy, and he is us

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UnNews

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Tuesday, January 13, 2026, 08:38:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
2. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
3. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
4. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
5. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
6. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
7. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
8. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
9. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
10. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
11. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
12. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
13. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
14. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
15. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
16. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
17. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
18. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
19. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
20. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
21. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
22. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
23. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
24. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
25. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
26. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
27. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
28. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
29. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
30. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
31. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
32. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
33. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
34. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
35. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
36. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
37. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
38. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
39. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
40. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
41. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize completely
42. To plagiarize a pastry, is to plagiarize {{adv})
43. Mario is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.