UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Democracy Dies with Dignity

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UnNews

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Monday, April 20, 2026, 20:54:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
2. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
3. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
4. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
5. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
6. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
7. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
8. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
9. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
10. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
11. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
12. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
13. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
14. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
15. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
16. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
17. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
18. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
19. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
20. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
21. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
22. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
23. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
24. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
25. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
26. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
27. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
28. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
29. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
30. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
31. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
32. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
33. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
34. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
35. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
36. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
37. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
38. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
39. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
40. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
41. To program an operating theater, is to program pleasantly
42. To program an operating theater, is to program {{adv})
43. Jimbo Wales is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.