UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog ✪ UnNews ✪ Friday, January 16, 2026, 09:47:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  2. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  3. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  4. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  5. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  6. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  7. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  8. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  9. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  10. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  11. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  12. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  13. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  14. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  15. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  16. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  17. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  18. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  19. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  20. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  21. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  22. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  23. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  24. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  25. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  26. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  27. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  28. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  29. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  30. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  31. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  32. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  33. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  34. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  35. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  36. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  37. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  38. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  39. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  40. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  41. To jump a boat, is to jump easily
  42. To jump a boat, is to jump {{adv})
  43. Pope Francis is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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