UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Thursday, February 19, 2026, 18:09:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
2. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
3. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
4. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
5. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
6. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
7. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
8. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
9. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
10. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
11. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
12. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
13. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
14. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
15. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
16. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
17. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
18. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
19. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
20. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
21. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
22. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
23. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
24. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
25. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
26. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
27. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
28. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
29. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
30. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
31. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
32. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
33. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
34. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
35. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
36. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
37. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
38. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
39. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
40. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
41. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle senselessly
42. To bamboozle fissile uranium, is to bamboozle {{adv})
43. Sean Connery is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.