UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  2. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  3. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  4. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  5. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  6. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  7. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  8. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  9. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  10. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  11. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  12. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  13. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  14. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  15. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  16. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  17. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  18. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  19. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  20. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  21. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  22. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  23. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  24. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  25. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  26. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  27. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  28. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  29. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  30. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  31. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  32. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  33. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  34. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  35. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  36. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  37. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  38. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  39. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  40. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  41. To receive a cadaver, is to receive with composure
  42. To receive a cadaver, is to receive {{adv})
  43. Bill Bailey is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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