UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We have met the enemy, and he is us ✪ UnNews ✪ Friday, February 13, 2026, 06:24:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  2. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  3. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  4. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  5. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  6. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  7. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  8. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  9. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  10. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  11. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  12. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  13. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  14. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  15. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  16. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  17. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  18. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  19. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  20. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  21. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  22. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  23. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  24. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  25. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  26. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  27. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  28. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  29. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  30. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  31. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  32. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  33. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  34. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  35. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  36. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  37. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  38. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  39. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  40. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  41. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish coldly
  42. To admonish a homotopy, is to admonish {{adv})
  43. Barney the Dinosaur is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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