UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  2. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  3. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  4. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  5. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  6. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  7. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  8. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  9. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  10. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  11. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  12. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  13. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  14. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  15. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  16. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  17. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  18. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  19. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  20. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  21. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  22. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  23. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  24. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  25. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  26. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  27. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  28. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  29. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  30. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  31. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  32. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  33. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  34. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  35. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  36. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  37. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  38. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  39. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  40. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  41. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn raucously
  42. To hack, slash, & burn an igneous protrusion, is to hack, slash, & burn {{adv})
  43. Bill Gates is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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