UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues ✪ UnNews ✪ Monday, March 2, 2026, 02:07:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  2. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  3. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  4. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  5. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  6. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  7. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  8. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  9. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  10. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  11. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  12. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  13. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  14. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  15. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  16. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  17. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  18. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  19. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  20. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  21. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  22. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  23. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  24. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  25. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  26. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  27. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  28. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  29. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  30. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  31. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  32. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  33. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  34. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  35. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  36. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  37. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  38. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  39. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  40. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  41. To taste a pen, is to taste hatefully
  42. To taste a pen, is to taste {{adv})
  43. Bertrand Russell is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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