UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Friday, December 5, 2025, 04:25:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
2. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
3. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
4. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
5. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
6. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
7. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
8. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
9. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
10. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
11. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
12. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
13. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
14. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
15. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
16. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
17. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
18. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
19. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
20. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
21. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
22. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
23. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
24. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
25. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
26. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
27. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
28. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
29. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
30. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
31. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
32. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
33. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
34. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
35. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
36. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
37. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
38. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
39. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
40. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
41. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize apathetically
42. To balkanize a bathtub, is to balkanize {{adv})
43. Shaquille O'Neal is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.