UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  2. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  3. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  4. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  5. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  6. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  7. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  8. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  9. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  10. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  11. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  12. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  13. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  14. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  15. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  16. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  17. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  18. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  19. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  20. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  21. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  22. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  23. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  24. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  25. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  26. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  27. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  28. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  29. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  30. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  31. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  32. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  33. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  34. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  35. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  36. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  37. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  38. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  39. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  40. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  41. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise fondly
  42. To exercise a cowbell, is to exercise {{adv})
  43. Albert Einstein is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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