UnNews:Controversy: Banker surfing porn

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5 February 2010

David Kiely, circled red for your convenience, mesmerized by the beauty of Miranda Kerr
Technological marvels have made it possible to provide a close-up of the offending image

SYDNEY, Australia -- Controversies abound as rumors leap from mouth to mouth surrounding David Kiely's, Macquarie Private Wealth adviser, viewing of softcore porn at the office.

The incident occurred on an otherwise fine Tuesday afternoon when Channel 7 interviewed an analyst, whom shall forever remain in obscurity compared to his colleague. The interview was about interest rates in the stock market, while David was showing more interest in rating whether those pictures were "Hot or Not".

While the said interview was on-going, Mr Kiely could be seen surfing softcore pornographic images of one Miss Miranda Kerr, one of the Victoria's Secret Angel men usually salivate to. She was also voted as AskMen.com's number 10 most desirable women in the world, a feat bested by only 9 of her peers.

The Macquarie management responded immediately by e-mailing the entire firm's staff about their interweb policy, which has drawn the barbs of "Too late!" from various commentators. Kiely was also suspended, pending a board meeting to see what to do with the bloke. The management also added:

The management of Macquarie Private Wealth is taking this incident very seriously. We believe that it breaches the ethics and professionalism of our working culture. We are the no. 1 wealth management firm in Australia and we are determined to protect our reputation and our client's reputation. Mr Kiely's action is a disgrace to what we have been trying to achieve for the past 15 years. He should have surfed for Emmanuelle Chriqui, who is no. 1 on the AskMen.com list

The Macquarie management's statement immediately drew critical response. Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd said "I'll be bringing all my money out of Macquarie. Their response is totally un-patriotic. Miranda Kerr is an Australian, and we blokes love it down under. I mean we blokes love our own Down Under people." The Australian premier's rallying cry drew up positive response from the rest of the Australian public, who weren't keen on seeing Kiely fired for several reasons:

  1. He was patriotically viewing the image of an Australian icon.
  2. The pictures weren't hardcore
  3. Miranda Kerr is hot, therefore Kiely has good taste
  4. Australian blokes want to see more softcore porn at work

Actor Orlando Bloom also chipped in by adding, "Well, it was flattering to find out that my girlfriend is the prime focus of Australian male fantasy but all in all, good choice by David (Kiely). Good choice."

Speculations are further fueled when the rumor that the whole incident was staged surfaced. The Sidney Police Department are investigating following a tip-off that Kiely was framed by co-workers who sent him the e-mail knowing that he will open it immediately, in front of a prime-time audience. Another rumor surfaced that GQ, the magazine behind the photo, and Miranda herself were behind the act to gain publicity. Speculators lashed by saying she doesn't need the extra publicity, as she is quite famous herself. Nevertheless, Google tracked that search for Miranda Kerr increased 100% since the incident, no doubt contributed by yours truly.


Miranda Kerr, reading about the news
"Miranda, show us some of that Land Down Under"

In an update since the incident exploded, Miranda Kerr herself voiced support for Keily:

I am told there is a petition to save his job, and of course I would sign it.

Miranda's spokesperson added the the model will soon be lobbying for more openness in the office by posing naked while chained to a computer.