UnNews:Constitution Repealed by Executive Order

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

A newsstand that's brimming with issues UnNews Tuesday, July 23, 2024, 22:17:59 (UTC)

Constitution Repealed by Executive Order UnNews Logo Potato.png

4 January 2007

WASHINGTON, January 4—In an unprecedented move, President George W. Bush today signed an executive order repealing the U.S. Constitution.

"The Constitution places several obstacles in the way of the war on terror," said the White House press secretary. "Under the Constitution, the President cannot order material witnesses to acts of terror to be held incommunicado without charges, nor can he order the cruel and unusual punishment of persons suspected of engaging in un-American activities. In fact, the Constituution does not even allow him to suppress newspaper articles that advocate antirepublican policies! For these reasons, the President has officially suspended the Constitution."

Effective immediately, the following measures have been put in place:

  • The freedom of speech is subject to the good pleasure of the President;
  • The President can issue secret search and arrest warrants for any person, place or thing;
  • The writ of habeas corpus is immediately abolished for all non-citizens, and can be suspended by the President for any citizen on a case-by-case basis;
  • The President has the authority to issue Bills of Attainder and to sign ex post facto laws;
  • The President has the authority to reverse any decision of any Federal or state court;
  • The Congress is designated as official advisory body to the President but no longer has the authority to "make" laws; and
  • Only offices lower than that of Vice-President are subject to the Congressional authority of impeachment.

Upon release of the executive order, a number of heavily armed men identifying themselves as Federal agents arrested several people in front of the White House for conducting an illegal protest. It was later asserted by the local police chief that some of those arrested were only tourists, and were not even engaged in protest, but so far these objections have gone unheeded.

"For over 200 years, Presidents have sought these powers," said Maryland University political science professor Michael Jaxon. "President Bush has taken the bold step of seizing these emergency powers for himself rather than asking Congress to grant the powers to him. Only history, and the will of the people, will tell whether the President did the right thing."