UnNews:China Bans Olympic Results

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13 August 2008

In a stunning move, the People's Republic of China has banned the results of all Olympic events. In the groundbreaking press conference yesterday at which the announcement was made, the President of the People Hu Jintao announced that he was sick of hearing the United States' national anthem, and would therefore prohibit all media reports, photography, and first or second hand accounts of all events. Eager to follow his President's example, Prime Minister Wen Jiabao banned all foreign and Tibetan spectators at the Games from watching.

Worldwide leaders are deeply divided on the announcement. Gordon Ramsey, the awarded TV chef, called Hu Jintao, "a little #@ck^#!" President George Bush backed this statement. In Zimbabwe, however, Robert Mugabe supported the Chinese rulers,whilst Morgan Zsangvirai was too busy hiding in the Dutch embassy to comment.

To enforce its ban on all media reporting on the Olympic results, Hu Jintao has conscripted a further 970 million civilians into the Armed Forces. These troops will parade the perimeter of the Birds Nest Stadium and Water Cube. It is uncertain how long it will be before foreign tourists will be able to escape from the ban blackout.