UnNews:Chicago teams merge; staduims empty

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 14:46:59 (UTC)

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31 May 2007

CHICAGO, IL – Long time rivals the Chicago Cubs and the Chicago White Sox have decided to bury the hatchet and merge to become one new team, the Chicago Cub Sox. “It feels great to finally end this dumb rivalry,” said Cub Sox co-coach Dusty Baker. “The players are all performing much better now that they’re less concerned with something childish like that.” Baker, previously the coach of the Cubs, will lead the team on odd-numbered dates.

The new logo of the Chicago Cub Sox

But not everyone is so happy with this merger. Said longtime White Sox fan Tommy Sardine, “I definitely will not be attending any Cub Sox games. I absolutely hate the Cubs, and any team involving them is not a team for me.” Sardine has found an ally in classmate and longtime Cubs fan Jimmy Carp, who added, “I definitely will not be attending any Cub Sox games. I absolutely hate the White Sox, and any team involving them is not a team for me.” Sardine and Carp, once bitter rivals for their opposite team preferences, have banded together to create an organization called “Calling United Baseballers to Separate Official Chicago Kick-butt Stadium-users” (C.U.B.S.O.C.K.S.) to rally against the merger and separate the teams again. “Frankly, this comes as a great surprise,” said Baker. “C.U.B.S.O.C.K.S. has gathered enough supporters that at our first game, the stadium was totally empty. We’re not giving in, though; the merged team is best for Chicago sports.” However, sports analysts have predicted that if C.U.B.S.O.C.K.S. continues to hold this amount of support, the team may be forced to disband for good. “The thought of Chicago without a baseball team is awful,” Carp said when asked about this possibility, “but it’s better than the only team being one involving the White Sox.” Sardine agreed, stating, “The thought of Chicago without a baseball team is awful, but it’s better than the only team being one involving the Cubs.” For now, Chicagoan baseball fans have two choices: Cub Sox, or C.U.B.S.O.C.K.S.

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.