UnNews:Carnegie Mellon to reject all applicants

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31 March 2008

PITTSBURGH (Uncyclopedia) - With on-campus living space at a premium, all departments operating at or near capacity, and ever-increasing demand for financial aid from existing students, accepting a class of 2012 may prove too much for Carnegie-Mellon University in Pittsburgh. According to CMU Dean of Admissions Garry Christophe, the school will reject all freshman applications this year.

"Orienting all those students, getting them used to the demanding schedule at Carnegie Mellon, just isn't worth the trouble," Christophe said. "If we don't have a freshman class, we can invest in students who already know the way we do things."

Christophe noted that eliminating the Class of 2012 would increase aid to current students by approximately 35%.

Timotei Behar, professor of Collegiate Studies at Princeton University, applauded the move, calling it a "bold new direction" for collegiate admissions.

"[The move] would make CMU the most exclusive school in the nation, with an acceptance rate of 0%," Behar said. "Of course, with zero students attending and zero accepted, the yield would be undefined."

According to Behar, there is precedent for such a program: Harvard University announced that it would not accept transfer applicants in either 2008 or 2009, though many students had already applied.

"I've been telling the Board of Trustees we should adopt a non-acceptance policy for years," Behar said. "I'm glad it's finally catching on in academia."

The Admissions website will report that all decision letters have been mailed at various dates throughout the month of March, though no such letters exist.

"Our applicants will expect letters, but the fact is that it wouldn't be practical, given the cost of postage these days," Christophe said. "It should be clear by May 1 that there's no letter forthcoming."

In order to deal with the expected influx of phone calls from eager applicants, the Office of Admissions will stop telephone service effective immediately.

"We wish the best of luck to all of our applicants, and hope that they tire of waiting for their decision and elect to attend another one of our nation's fine schools," Christophe said.