UnNews:Captain Obvious is Dead
|Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?||✪||UnNews||✪||Thursday, December 2, 2021, 07:10:UTC)(|
|Captain Obvious is Dead|
9 March 2007
Captain Obvious, being a superhero who points out things that most people already know, was killed off yesterday in issue 153 of his comic book, “The Captain Obvious Comic Book: Being A Series of Sequential Pictures Detailing the Adventures of Me, Captain Obvious”. By killed, we mean that he has expired and is no longer breathing, does not answer when people try to talk to him, and is slowly being broken down by bacterial decomposition. Captain Obvious was 43, which isn’t really young, and so not heart-breakingly tragic, but that is still much less than a ripe old age, and therefore still rather tragic.
Captain Obvious was killed while leaving the federal courtroom, where he had been fighting a restraining order to prevent him from pointing out readily apparent flaws in White House policy. As he descended the steps of the courthouse, there were a series of loud bangs and then eleven holes appeared in Captain Obvious’ chest, spattering bystanders with blood. This is because Captain Obvious had been shot.
“Oh no! I have been shot!" said the Captain, "Not by an arrow, and not by a BB, but by a series of bullets, which is much more lethal!"
“Oh no!” said Readily Apparent Boy, rushing to the Captain’s side, “Captain Obvious has been shot! He will require medical attention! Captain, where did the bullets come from?"
"From a gun, most likely," said the Captain, "Which is a projectile weapon which uses the explosive combustion of gunpowder to launch projectiles".
Said Captain Obvious' teammate, Attractive Girl There To Keep Male Readers' Attention, “Who could have done such a horrible thing to the Captain?”, her chest jiggling seductively as she sobbed.
“Doubtless, someone who wished to harm me", said the Captain, “and so a good place to start looking would be with my enemies. In particular, I suspect Professor Subtle. I would suspect him, because Professor Subtle is responsible almost every time something very bad happens to me.”
"Did something just happen?", asked Captain Oblivious.
“Hold on Captain! You’ll make it! You’ve just got to fight!” said Attractive Girl.
“It appears I have eleven gunshots in my chest,” said Captain Obvious, “that is probably fatal.”
“NOOOOO!” screamed Attractive Girl.
“Whatever you do… you must… avenge me…”
“Don’t go, Captain! Don’t go!”
“...and by ‘avenge me’, I mean you must defeat Professor Subtle.”
“I’m dying…. painfully… and dramatically… that is, my vital signs are becoming…”
Captain Obvious never completed his sentence.
That is because he died.
Captain Obvious' funeral will be depicted in issue 154 of his comic, which is titled "Thank You... Captain Obvious". His former teammates from the X-Men and Justice League have not said whether they will be in attendance. This is probably because they have no intention of coming.
Reactions to Captain Obvious death were mixed, because some people favored the plot twist, while others were against it. "Worst. Issue. Evar.” Wrote ComicBookGuy447 on an online chatroom. “God, about time” wrote another, "Would buy a comic book about Attractive Girl, however. Especially if she keeps wearing that skin-tight, low-cut costume." Yet another fan, CaptainObviousFanBoy17, had this to say: “Captain Obvious’ comic book wasn’t doing so well, so the publishers killed him, to get media attention and sell more comics. Eventually they will bring him back to life, because nobody in comics stays dead, not even if they are vaporized in an atomic explosion, just so long as they can wring another two measly cents out of them.” Proving, that while Captain Obvious may be dead, his spirit lives on (by which I mean, not that his specter is actually haunting the world, but that people will continue to point out obvious things just like the Captain did).