UnNews:Blair hails success of childhood crime review project

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29 March 2007

You know you can trust us. It's for your own good, you know.

MINISTRY OF FLUFFINESS, London, Monday (UNN) — The Government has published its latest policy review, Building on Progress: Security, Crime and Justice.

The Government will attempt to identify at birth children at risk of failure, violent behaviour or criminality, and take corrective action to steer them onto a law-abiding path. New advances in statistics, surveillance, red tape and snake oil will be used to assess the chances of a child growing up to commit such crimes as littering, raising a middle finger to more than five street CCTV cameras in any one hundred metre stretch of road, or attempting to fly while brown.

The review aims to "help service providers to identify those most at risk of offending." The Public-Private Partnership service companies can then fast-track the child into a suitable pre-offender management programme guaranteeing sufficiently lucrative cost overruns and taxpayer bailouts.

The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, rejected the imputation that his Government was making Britain into a "nanny state." "We prefer to think of ourselves in the role of a protective but friendly elder sibling, who always has his eye out for you and your best interests. Always."

The savings to the taxpayer are projected to be considerable. For some inner city areas, it will become feasible merely to build a concrete wall topped with barbed wire entirely encircling them.