UnNews:Apple to found new utopian community: iTown.

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Thursday, December 9, 2021, 14:38:59 (UTC)

Apple to found new utopian community: iTown. UnNews Logo Potato.png

June 25 2007

Steve Jobs announced today that Apple would be founding a utopian community in the middle of the Nevada desert. This new community, the iTown, would be governed entirely by the Apple corporation and has been widely praised, often referred to as "New Eden."

"What we did is, you see, we looked at the world and all of the crime and chaos in it. Apple has proven its ability to create a secure and fruitful environment, and we thought it was time to take this into the real world." -Steve Jobs

Apple has announced exciting details about the new community. Citizens will live in featureless white boxes called iHouses, all of which are identical. Every iHouse contains two iBeds, one iCouch, one iTelevision with Apple TV attachment, one iMac mounted on an iDesk, and a small kitchen filled with iAppliances, including an iFridge filled with iFood . Tampering with a home's contents, even those in your own home, is considered a crime of the highest order. When asked why this restriction exists, Mr. Jobs responded:

"Allowing people to just bring any old thing into their homes opens the door to chaos and anarchy. Residents of the iTown will live a simple, streamlined life in comparison to those living in lesser communities."

The iTown's official religion will be the iFaith, a church founded several years ago. The iFaith is known for having active missionary activity all over the world. Anyone who refuses conversion will not be permitted within the town's premises. Any residents who deviates from the traditional iFaith garb, which consists of blue jeans, a grey shirt, a purple jacket and blue shoes, will be considered heretical.

"The iFaith has gained greater prominence in the last few years, as it emerged from the dark age of Windows. Those who cannot see the truth will not be tolerated." -Steve Jobs, A.K.A. iPope.

The iTown will offer residents free power, water, gasoline, air, and iPhone service within its borders. When asked about traditional home phone service, Mr. Jobs reminded us that the iPhone can be used indoors. In keeping with the doctrine of the iFaith, refusal to accept the iPhone as one's sole portable electronic device will lead to removal from the community. Bringing in foreign air, gasoline, water, or utilizing any generator other than Apple's iFaith-approved iGenerator are equal offenses. The iTown also places certain restrictions on pet ownership:

"Residents of the iTown will only be permitted to own robotic iDogs, and any non-humans found within the town will be considered illegal pets and will be neutralized. An iDog is the only pet you'll ever need, however. Trust me."

Mr. Jobs later revealed that iDogs will shut down if not fed one iBiscuit per day, presumably as a way to teach responsibility to children.

after these exciting and innovative ideas, Steve Jobs announced what is perhaps the most controversial restriction to be placed on the citizens of the iTown: Citizens will not be permitted to communicate with outsiders unless doing so in the interest of the missionary branch of the iFaith, or communicating with an iFaith brother who has not yet relocated.

Mr. Jobs declined to comment on this restriction after being informed that several of the reporters present at the announcement were not certified members of the iFaith.