UnNews:"Shooting only answer" says Education Minister

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out UnNews Friday, December 3, 2021, 19:37:59 (UTC)

"Shooting only answer" says Education Minister UnNews Logo Potato.png

17 May 2007

"Stupid children [pictured] are the single greatest obstacle to economic prosperity in Britain today"
File:UnNews "Shooting only answer" says Education Minister
New! - see this story broadcast on YouTube!
"Shooting only answer" says Education Minister

Education minister Alan Johnson has announced that "shooting is the only answer" after a controversial report on improving standards in schools. In an exclusive interview with UnNews he gave the following statement:

"It has become clear to me that there is only one way forward if we wish to improve our children's education. Gone are the days of lowering standards to increase attainment. No longer shall school-work be made more "accessible" to suit the slowest of children. Across history man has grown more intelligent through natural selection. But now we protect our low-achievers and encourage them to breed, while intelligent children become asexual Star Trek nerds. This cannot be allowed to continue. In line with this report we shall therefore be reintroducing common entrance for secondary school. But this time we will not support the failures. Shooting is the only answer."

Unsurprisingly, Mr Johnson's views have received widespread criticism. Eastman chemical company spokesmen George Ferguson has insisted that "gas would be a far more efficient solution to the problem". Mr Ferguson told UnNews that he believed it to be a shocking example of the British government attempting to get into bed with the American arms industry while British workers were being laid off in their thousands.

Geneticist Richard McLeod Msc.PHd.GCMG has also blasted the decision as "stupid and wasteful". He said:

"The opportunities for these children are endless. It is disgusting to simply slaughter them all because they are slightly less intelligent than their peers. Many of these individuals could have gone on to become organ donors, or have their bodies used for medical science. Just because their brains are sub-standard doesn't mean they do not contain invaluable high quality body parts."

However, General Lannak of the British army has applauded the move, saying that the target practice provided will ensure the British army remains the best in the world. He assured us that "shooting unarmed children would be ideal training for their duties in Iraq and elsewhere."

UnNews Logo Potato.png
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.