UnBooks:No Clean Way to Die

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I have decided to keep a diary. Hurrah! I am "special" after all. I mean, what could be better then being what I am? I am the only true pure substance on this earth, and right now I am in a shop. Hurrah! I'm right across from the Coco-Puffs. They are now 40 percent more chocolaty. Hurrah! I have a lot of friends, plus a Myspace. OH M Gee. One time Tom left me a comment. I'm so cool. Life sure is great, and it's only getting better from here!

Entry One[edit]

I've done it. I've found a home. Nice family, Mexican or Puerto Rican or something. I hope I'm better off in my new home then on this shelf.

Forgive me, I've been rude. My name is Eddie, and I am a bar of soap. I belong to the clan Dove, and I am filled with aloe extract, whatever that is. Anyway, my ass has just been on a shelf for a while, in this supermarket. Many of my friends have already got homes. Even my best friend, William Wallace. I've been on this shelf for God knows how long, waiting for somebody to pick me up. All my life, I've felt the pain of loneliness, I've been without love. I guess today is my lucky day...(P.S Those bastards at Irish spring can bite me!)
My Myspace picture. Leave me comments while I'm gone, ho's!!!

Entry Two[edit]

This is awful. They took me home and unwrapped me. I never wondered of my true purpose. Now I question it. I was put in this odd place with this gold snake like object dangling in the ceiling. They left me there, alone, for hours. I felt dry. I turned over and noticed another bar of soap. It's William Wallace, my old friend from last week who got a home! Wow! What a coincidence! He looked much smaller then he did before, though. "Hi Will" I said. He looked at me as if he had fought a long battle with a sexually aroused gorilla and lost. He then slowly, shakily spoke. "You fool, get out while you can. My time is up. After the family's next shower I will be free. Free from pain." A hand reached down and grabbed him. "FREEEEEDDDDDOOOOMMMMM!!!" He screamed. I closed my eyes, too mortified to look. When I opened them, he was gone, and I was alone. Oh god, it feels like forever. I need safety, I miss my shelf. I should have never taken this plunge into destiny, into the unknown..... What shall become of me, I do not know, the only thing that will tell is time...

Entry Three[edit]


This is not happening. Today the father of the family got undressed, and grabbed me with a strong hand. He then.....then....... started pushing me up against his chest and began rubbing myself unto himself. I can't explain it, but it was awful. It gets worse. He then flipped me around, and shoved me up his ass!!!!. In and out, in and out. I began bleeding, the soapy white foam in his corn hole. God, this sounds gay. He didn't even care. When I came out.......he shoved me under his crotch and scrubbed in and out, all around the nut. Cheese was all over my face. I could not take it anymore. I made a feeble attempt to escape. I slipped out of his hands, and onto the floor. He promptly grabbed me and continued scrubbing. Armpits, feet, face, everywhere. After another 15 minutes of this torture, he put me on the shelf, and turned the water off. The worst part is he left a nasty hair on me! It was black and disgusting. I miss my mommy.........
Picture of The Family's Father

Entry Four[edit]

I am shrinking. Losing size, getting weaker, With each wash. I sit here alone...I can no longer even see my clan name etched into my bar. Once upon a time it proudly read "DOVE", now it is faded and dead as I am. Oh, shelf, how I long for your cold embrace. The family’s grandma is visiting tomorrow, and I feel it will be awful. I cannot continue writing, as the family needs me again. I guess it's just like uncle Shank Shaw says, "Get Busy Scrubbing, or get busy dying." Now I know what he means...


Things have not been all bad. This kid got my blood in his eye. He ran around and screamed for a couple hours until his parents came home and found him moping on the floor all bitch like. His eyes were all red, so they took him to the doctor. That kid won't fuck around with me anymore. Not that it matters, anyway, I am a bar of soap, as my purpose has become clear. But seein' that kid run around the house banging his head on the floor, screeching in pain was pretty friggin' hilarious.

Entry Five[edit]

Dear God. It was horrific. They wheeled the grandma in, spoke, had coffee, laughed and watched Seinfeld. After a few hours, she was pushed into the shower, and picked me up with a crusty, hairy, hand. She...put me in a cave.....an old cave, saggy and dry from years of decay and not being used. I tried to fight it...but I knew fate had a hold of me. A man may make his destiny, but I am no man, I am soap, I am me. I am.....nothing, just another bar to this family. I will soon be obsolete, as I have shrunk to the size of a slice of cheese. It's all over now. I am shaken...I am going mad...Scary thoughts linger in my mind.

Final Entry[edit]

They brought home a new bar of soap today. Nice kid. Name's Sudz. We spoke for a bit, about the past, the store, and about what would happen here. He asked me what it is like. I responded "Kid, you're fucked. Your going to get shoved up people's asses, until you shrink to nothingness. Even though you are an instrument of cleansing, you will find here that there is no clean way to die." I am done here. But I shall not die as most soaps do. I will die by my own hand, make myself non-existent. I inched over to the side of the shelf in the shower. "Farewell, kid!" I shouted. Stay strong. I slipped off the shelf, and felt freedom, felt God. I drifted off this mountainside and felt my body crack against the floor. I now lay in two...this shall be my final entry...if you are to find this, please make it public to the clan of Dove, Neigh, to all soap, so they know of their destiny. You should not censor the world, decorate it with sparkles or party instruments. Show it like the cold bitch it is. God.....it's so cold on this floor.....Ah...the numbness...here it comes.....Farewell...wor..l..d. Pain, Without love, Pain, Can't get enough, Pain, I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all....... (End)