UnBooks:Electric Slide

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The Electric Slide was the preferred method of execution during the War of 1472 and a Half. During the War, the Galactic Empire, led by Paul Simon and Fozzie Bear, hunted down and 'slid' all but a few remaining Yuppies in the distant star system of Mississippi.


In the early fourth century, Oscar Wilde was being gang-raped by a rowdy band of Mormons when he exclaimed, "She was bred in ole Kentuckistan, but shouldn't these nipple clips be shocking me?" At that moment, Simon and Bear (or Bearfunkel, as he would later become known) began work on the gargantuan contraption. Distracted by passers by screaming, "All your base are belong to us," work was not completed until it was convenient (cinnamon).

Mechanism of Action[edit]

The Electric Slide is governed by Planck's Constant Bitching, seen here:


It inhibits phosphodiesterase type 5, enhancing effects of nitric oxide-activated increases in cGMP. Basically, all the helpless Yuppies were pushed nipples-first down the slide and shocked until it no longer seemed reasonable to be alive. The rare times this method failed (as it often did), the victim was changed magically into an halibut.

What to Do in the Event of an Electric Slide Attack[edit]

It is well-known that Electric Slides are more afraid of you than you are of them. Therefore:

  1. Find the nearest bucket of grease.
  2. Spill it in front of you on the slide.
  3. Run up ahead and slip by.

See also[edit]