Toledo, Ohio

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The breathtaking (if sometimes slightly sagging) skyline of Toledo

“Toledo is my favorite city.”

~ John Denver

Toledo, a medium-sized city of around 300,000 in the Western part of Northern Ohio, is a town built on, and slowly sinking into, a huge swamp and situated upon a river whose name none but natives can pronounce. Toledo was named after the city of Toledo,Spain. No one knows exactly why, but Historians have speculated that the decision was made in order to have the town mirror Spain not only in economic state, but in name as well.

This city however is a Democratic Party stronghold, not because they agree with it on policy but just because they like the picture of the donkey. Another division in Toledo is between the Buckeyes and the Wolverines two warring factions who battle once a year. The victors side get to mock the losing faction constantly till the next battle.

Toledo has modeled its city after big sister Detroit. Happily, being just outside Michigan, Toledo cannot be placed into receivership as Detroit has been.


Toledo was founded during the Great Outhouse convention of 1817, where thousands of outhouse makers converged on the western end of Lake Spooky to test their devices. The resulting stench drove all but the most pathetic away; those that stayed built what is now Toledo. The stench remains there to this very day.

Built on the remnants of the Great Stinky Swamp, Toledo continues to possess one of the most humid and godawful summer climates on the planet. It is pointless to try and change out of a shirt that has stuck to you, because all the rest of your clothes are damp and moldy, as well, when you live in muggy Toledo. Many residents find that a nice roll in the mud is just the ticket to cool off from Toledo's summer heat. Many other residents roll in the mud year-round.

In 1994, Toledo launched an initiative, spearheaded by then-mayor Carty Finkbeiner,to relocate the region's deaf people to low-cost housing near the Toledo Express Airport in response to noise complaints.


Toledo's chief industry is in whoopie cushions, condom-making, and mosaics made out of raccoon bones. Every member of this pathetic city has a bipolar personality and lacks the ablity to properly say the word Oregon, but is otherwise stable. The average household income is $12.67, but most of Toledo's citizens can find enough money on streets, etc. to eke out a meager living. The former mayor was Mr. Incapable, a superhero renowned for his ineptitude and lack of initiative. Now, however, the previous mayor, Mayor Steve Leggett, has been re-elected; he his known for erupting in random temper tantrums, maybe because of the ridiculousness of his name, or maybe he needs his ba-ba full of warm milk, and a "bankie" and a nap.

Toledo has a very close trading relationship with China. Their economic ties have consisted mostly of Toledo exporting jobs and industry while importing Chinese businessman who are slowly buying up all the parts of Toledo that have not already been exported to Asia. A byproduct of this economic exchange has been the arrival in Toledo of Chinese exchange students, who pay local high schools excessive amounts of money to let them attend school in Toledo, get bad grades, and ignore everyone except for other Chinese exchange students.


Sports in Toledo is a big thing--there are no less than 17 Minor-League Curling teams, each of which is the best in the nation. The Toledo Symphony performs in the Peristyle at the Toledo Museum of Art, the only thing worth seeing there. Unfortunately, 99.9% of the population giveth not a damn, and the other 50% are illiterate and cannot read, either.

Toledo recently made the national news, when Nazis planned a march, and subsequent riots destroyed the entirety of the city. Except the People's Democratic Republic of East Toledostan which no one cares about anyways. Rebuilding plans are underway but are not likely to be finished with in the next 200 years. However, people still have new Jeeps parked in front of the rubble which used to be their homes.

Toledo, and its surrounding area, is home to more Muslims than the rest of the Mid-west combined. As a result of this, Toledo has one of the largest Mosques in the country, as well as about 500 Lebanese restaurants, only one of which can make even halfway decent Baklava.

According to a recent report by a local news affiliate, Toledo is overrun by hordes of ill-tempered street kittens. Public officals have considered a wide variety of solutions to the crisis, ranging from mandatory kitten huffing to surrender and appeasement of the ruthless kittenlords. At this time tbere is little hope for an end to the crisis, and Toledo native and world renowned crossdresser Jaimie Farr has appealed to the international community to end the Darfuresqe conditions suffered by Toledo's native Pollock tribes.

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