Things Bono Invented

The famous Bonopoly scientist, Bono (False-colored satellite image)

“Bonopoly is so awful Bono must reinvent it every two months”
~ Oscar Wilde on Things Bono Invented

The famous Bonopoly scientist, Bono, often gathers people to show off his latest inventions; listed below is some of his more famous work.

Things Bono Invented[edit]

Sexual Intercourse[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist, Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. Everyone went to work, came home, ate, and watched Wheel of Bono. After that they had nothing to do. Also people were dying and the population was dropping severely. Soon no one would be left to live in Bonopoly, something had to be done. A young lady approached Bono, “Please Mr. Bono, me and my husband are bored and have nothing to do. What is there to entertain us?” Bono replied, “Come here young miss, oh no, leave your pants over there, let me show you something.”

Bono asked for absolute silence in the studio. (This was somewhat foolish, as there was no noise in the studio, since everyone was too bored out of there minds to think of anything to say.) The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Hey Baby (Ooh Ah)". When they were quite finished, Bono closed his eyes as though concentrating. A hush went across the crowd.

Bono opened his eyes; spread his arms wide and shouted "Sexual Intercourse".

A huge red flash burst across the surroundings. Suddenly, everything everyone was severely attracted to one another. It was a miracle! Suddenly everyone was naked and having the time of their lives. When the dust had settled, the people congratulated Mr. Bono. Everything was now so much easier to do now that they had something to look forward to when they got home, they said, one could now repopulate the land or rape someone on a date! But modest Mr. Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

Gravity[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist, Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. Objects didn't seem to behave in any rational way, and when dropped, they would just fly off in any direction. Buildings tended to float at around 90m above the ground. A little girl approached Bono "Please Mr Bono, could you get my puppy dog back?" "I'll try, George, I'll try" "But how, Mr Bono? Woofter's already travelled through the Von Kuiper belt." "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for absolute silence in the studio. (This was somewhat foolish, as there was no noise in the studio, since it was floating above the ground.) The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Hey Baby (Ooh Ah)". When they were quite finished, Bono closed his eyes as though concentrating. A hush went across the crowd.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Gravity!".

A huge red flash burst across the surroundings. Suddenly, everything fell to the Earth. When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Everything was now so much easier to manage, they said, one could now pour tea into a cup or commit suicide by jumping off a bridge! But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

Penicillin[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist, Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. They were plagued by terrible diseases: Sticky Rickets, the Bumblesnaps, and of course, the terrible Bumrot. A little girl approached Bono "Please Mr Bono, could you get my puppy dog back (from the dead)?" "I'll try, George, I'll try" "But how, Mr Bono? Surely, you must agree that if death loses it inevitability, then people will no longer have the sense of Carpe Diem that inspires them, the passion will be lost from life as it is no longer transient but endless, and we will live in a poorer world." "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for absolute silence in the studio. (This was somewhat foolish, as many of them had terribly inflated tongues, and could not have spoken even if they had wanted too.) The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Hey Baby (Ooh Ah)".When they were quite finished, Bono closed his eyes as though concentrating. A hush went across the crowd.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Penicillin!".

A huge white powdery flash burst across from his nose. Suddenly, this powder burst through everybody's body, instantly curing their diseases.

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Everything was now so much easier to manage, they said, one could use a dirty lightswitch or engage in unprotected anal sex! All you have to do afterwards is to inhale the white dust (called penicilin) through the nose and you could even join liberated minorities freely and indiscriminately. But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

A miffed Scottish Scientist, was much perturbed by this event, as he claimed to have discovered it first, but this was proven wrong when Bono said it wasn't true.

Dreams[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist, Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. They spent eight hours a night, sometimes more, lying in bed doing absolutely nothing. It was a very uninteresting experience, and some citizens even resorted to watching TV wrestling to pass the time. A little girl approached Bono "Please Mr Bono, could you get my puppy to sleep?" "I'll try, George, I'll try" "But how, Mr Bono? Woofter says that sleeping just bores him." (This was a blatant lie, as Woofter spoke German, but Bono humoured the child.) "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for absolute silence in the studio. (This was somewhat foolish, as they didn't have much to talk about anyway.) The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Hey Baby (Ooh Ah)". When they were quite finished, Bono closed his eyes as though concentrating. A hush went across the crowd.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Dreams!".

A huge purple flash burst across the surroundings. Suddenly, nothing happened. Bono was bummed by the people of Shotton for wasting their time. That night, however, they all realised what a great invention this was!

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Everything was now so much easier to manage, they said, one could now dream of visiting Ikea or even have a 'wet' dream! But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

Aids[edit]

Bono killed a giraffe whilst fucking a reindeer and thus invented aids, he was found then placing "Aids" into trailer trash street hookers and male clowns. He fucked em up good, Then God decided to remove Bono's unhumanly abilities and powers from him, being as he is the son of god. Of course, in his being the son of god, he has every STD on the planet, and he invented several of them, but most of them only improve his ability to shoot milk from his eyes.

Economics[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist, Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. There was no money, no fixed system of exchange for goods and services. Some people attempted to use roads as legal currency, but this was not an ideal soloution as roads were not very portable. A little girl approached Bono "Please Mr Bono, could you get my puppy dog back?" "I'll try, George, I'll try" "But how, Mr Bono? Woofter's been re-possesed due to my failure to keep up dog-mortgage repayments and I lack the means to buy him back." "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for absolute silence in the studio. (This was somewhat foolish, as they were all very poor.) The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Hey Baby (Ooh Ah)". When they were quite finished, Bono closed his eyes as though concentrating. A hush went across the crowd.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Economics!".

A huge gold flash burst across the surroundings. Suddenly, a vast amount of coins, notes and limited liability shares fell from the heavens.

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Everything was now so much easier to manage, they said, one could now purchase drinks or kill squirrels by throwing coins at them! But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

Air[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist, Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. There was nothing to breathe, and even worse, no fizz in fizzy drinks. A little girl approached Bono "Please Mr Bono, could you resuscitate my puppy dog?" "I'll try, George, I'll try" "But how, Mr Bono? Even Bob Geldof said that Woofter can't be saved." "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for absolute silence in the studio. (This was somewhat foolish, as there was no air to carry the sound.) The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Hey Baby (Ooh Ah)". When they were quite finished, Bono closed his eyes as though concentrating. A hush went across the crowd.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Air!".

A huge air-coloured flash burst across the surroundings. Suddenly, with a hiss, an atmosphere filled the region.

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Everything was now so much easier to manage, they said, one could now pump up tyres or even use a fan! But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

Sliced Bread[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist, Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. Bread could only be purchased in big lumps that made it very difficult to eat, and the Earl of Sandwich couldn't seem to get the meat inside. A little girl approached Bono "Please Mr Bono, could you get my puppy dog back from the bakers where it has spent all day trying to eat a single lump of bread?" "I'll try, George, I'll try" "But how, Mr Bono? This bready plight has damaged his teeth and I fear he'll never be able to whistle his favourite songs from The Joshua Tree ever again." "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for absolute silence in the studio. (This was somewhat foolish, as everybody was too busy struggling with their lumps of bread to say anything.) The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Dancing Queen". When they were quite finished, Bono closed his eyes as though concentrating. A hush went across the crowd.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Slices!".

A huge slice-coloured flash burst across the surroundings. Suddenly, all the bread formed itself into orderly loaves, baguettes, and flatbreads, sliced in a variety of interesting ways.

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Everything was now so much easier to manage, they said, one could now make toasties or even a rudimentary form of headgear in case of emergency! But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

Seventy-Six[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist, Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. They often found that whenever they ammased seventy-five pounds, it would evaporate, or amass seventy-five cows, only to earn another and then have it compress itself into a singularity, or have sex with seventy-five people, only to find no other wanted them. A little girl approached Bono "Please Mr Bono, could you get my puppy dog to learn tricks again?" "I'll try, George, I'll try" "But how, Mr Bono? I had taught him seventy-five tricks, but when I told him to sit, he internally combusted." "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for absolute silence in the studio. (This was somewhat foolish, as people were too occupied trying to count past seventy-five.) The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Safety Dance". When they were quite finished, Bono closed his eyes as though concentrating. A hush went across the crowd.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Seventy-six!"

A huge seventy-six-coloured flash burst across the surroundings. Suddenly, the gap in numbers was filled.

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Everything was now so much easier to manage, they said, one could now express values as two thirty-eighths and four nineteenths! But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

Sound[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. When speaking to each other, they could not hear themselves, and therefore did not know whether they were saying something embarrassing by accident. A little girl approached Bono. "..." "I'll try, George, I'll try." "..." "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for complete silence in the studio. (This was somewhat foolish, since they couldn't make any noise anyway.) The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Blue (Da Ba Dee)". Of course, you couldn't hear them, so they could have been singing anything. When they were quite finished, Bono closed his eyes as though concentrating. A hush went across the crowd.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Sound!"

A huge sound coloured flash burst across the surroundings.

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Everything was now so much easier to manage, they said, one could now hear things, or become deafened by extremely loud noises But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

Starving Children[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. The musicians of the time had run out of gimmicks to shift their albums by, and the townspeople were having trouble sorting out who was a 'considerate' musician, and who was a 'greedy' musician, and so who to blindly throw their money and praise at. A little girl approached Bono. "Please Mr Bono, could you find a way for my puppy dog to get suckered in by a flimsy marketing scheme, in the name of humanity?" "I'll try, George, I'll try." "All I want is to help people.... perhaps help a rock star snort another line of cocaine?" "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for complete silence in the studio. The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Orion". This was a pretty impressive feat, given that the song is an instrumental. The crowd made up for it with a rousing display of Air-Guitarmanship. When they were quite finished, Bono closed his eyes as though concentrating. A hush went across the crowd.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Starving Children!"

A huge brown coloured flash burst across the surroundings.

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Everything was now so much clearer, they said, one could now immediately know who's name to write on the cheque, and who's albums to buy, to try and buy off the guilt placed in them by people who just so coincidentally happen to made a fat wad of cash off of the aforementioned guilt. But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

Asians[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. The world was extremely underpopulated with people and overpopulated with household pets. A little girl approached Bono. "Please Mr Bono, could you find a way for my puppy dog to get rid of the rest of his family?" "I'll try, George, I'll try." "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for complete silence in the studio. The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Chopsticks". This was a pretty impressive feat, given that the song is also an instrumental. Everyone sat on the floor and beat up black people while eating raw fish and making knock off sports gear for 2 cents an hour.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Asians"

A huge yellow coloured flash burst across the surroundings.

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. A group of slant eyed yellow bellys ran around eating dogs and breeding like rabbits. But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

Japanese[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. Amongst the Asians he had recently created, he noticed a certain lack of courtesy, knowledge and a disposition for violence in a distinctive group of them. A little girl approached Bono. "Please Mr Bono, could you find reason for my puppy dog to hate Asians" "I'll try, George, I'll try." "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for complete silence in the studio. The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "Zoom Zoom Zoom". This confused the people who thought it was created specially for the Mazda ad but really was just a cheap rip off of a traditional Brazillian song (much like Karate is claimed as a traditional Japanese martial art). Everyone stopped cooking their fish, made stupid tv game shows and raped and pillaged hundreds of thousands of innocents (see Nanjing).

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Japanese"

A huge dirty yellow coloured flash burst across the surroundings.

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Suddenly, all the rude, useless Asians were shipped to a single place which was later called Japan. Luckily, before they left, someone stole the secrets to an ancient Chinese martial art to claim it as their own (unfortunately they didn't learn the good parts). But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

Vodafone[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. No teenager was able to hide behind the anonymity of a cellphone to communicate with girls who would normally never look at him (nor would he have the balls to talk to). A little girl approached Bono. "Please Mr Bono, could you find a way for ugly people to have a chance with girls other than nerds and boy racing faggots?" "I'll try, George, I'll try." "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for complete silence in the studio. The people of Bonopoly replied with a rousing chorus of "1000 times goodbye". This confused the people who didn't realise the significant link between a multi billion dollar grossing company and a simple heavy metal band. Everyone stood in awe of the talented songwriting and incredible hard driving riffs.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "Vodafone"

A huge ginger coloured flash burst across the surroundings.

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Dave Mustaine appeared in disguise as a simple Vodafone representative (but alas, not a very good one). Pretending to sell phones in his secret plot for world domination while in the touring off season. But wait a minute, this has nothing to do with Vodafone and is not even remotely funny. Perhaps this is an unusual "in" joke between a group of friends with nothing better to do. Or maybe it's a publicity stunt for "The Falling Machine". But modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

White People[edit]

The famous Bonopoly scientist Bono, gathered the people to the town square to show off his new invention. A large crowd gathered for the unveiling. Now, at the time, the people of Bonopoly were very troubled. People only came in colors. There was no race to make fun of the other ones and belittle them for having "coloured filth". A little girl approached Bono. "Please Mr Bono, could you make a race that'll be mean to the rest, whilst having their own trashy kind that fuck each other even though they're too poor for another child?" "I'll try, George, I'll try." "Are you sure...?" "Just you watch, little miss."

Bono asked for complete silence in the studio. This was quite unneccesary, being as the people were too bored from not being made fun of to talk. They replied with a rousing chorus of "Ain't That a Kick in the Head" by Dean Martin. This did not appease Bono, because he did not write the song. He stared them down. They remained silent. He closed his eyes and the crowd went completely silent.

Bono opened his eyes, spread his arms wide and shouted "WHITE PEOPLE"

A huge white people coloured flash burst across the surroundings.

When the dust had settled, the survivors congratulated Mr Bono. Races began to be exterminated, blacks were sprayed with water hoses, the earth became a utopia. The people praised Bono and tried to make him their supreme ruler, but modest Mr Bono merely said "Just wait until you see my next invention."

A later geneticist, the dreaded Darth Hitler, claims to have created white people and calls them the "supreme race", but this is not true because Bono claimed it first.