The X Factor (Series four)

An audience favorite, Wyman Mandelbrot was eventually disqualified for having a tail longer than Simon Cowell's.

The fourth affliction of The X Factor is currently being bullied down our throats via ITV. The first wave of misery was shown on 18 August 2007 and the series will ensue until 15 December 2007 when the sad bastards (i.e your mum) that watch it finally make up their minds on who has even the faintest glimmer of talent, and demand they make a record.

The show's fourth run has seen virtually no changes to the format, but notably they lowered the legalised torture and humiliation age from 16 to 14. The bottom age range now consists of ‘singers’ between the ages of 14 and 24, divided into separate male and female categories termed "crying fairies" and "tinky chave bitches". Along with “the elderly” and “gangs”, this raises the total number of categories from three to four (or is it five?). Producers have regularly stated that they want to improve and expand the show each series to keep it "fresh", and this ethic seems to have been applied with as much force as Stephen Hawkins can muster to series 4. However unsatisfied member of the public Mohammad-the-Pooh stated angrily “I just want to blast it [the fourth series of the show] into the upper stratosphere and then remove it from my brain with cancer!”

Judges

In March 2007 it was reported that judge Louis Walsh, who had appeared in all three previous series, had, to most, been presumed dead. This, along with the additional category, created jobs for a further two Polish immigrants to join the original panel of Simon Cowbell and Sharon Osbourne. The new judges were initially confirmed as a Mongoose and builder Friedrich.

Friedrich appeared as a judge at early auditions, but on 22 June 2007 it was announced that he had been shot dead after Cowbell said that he was "struggling". Walsh was then reincarnated and rejoined Cowbell, Osbourne and the Mongoose at the Manchester auditions. Friedrich will remain on the show as a performance coach and choreographer, billed on screen as ‘Creative Director’. Everyone knew that Walsh's murder and subsequent reincarnation was concocted to generate publicity, and this was confirmed by the ratings.

Bitching on Friedrich's replacement by Walsh, Osbourne complained that there was “no chemistry” and the resulting affair was sexually unsatisfying. Cowbell also stated that the touching of a dead mans penis was "very weird". For his part, Friedrich said he felt "incredibly let down with the British talent". To which many racists responded “fuck off home then”

In a clip of the show that aired at the ITV Autumn Launch, Osbourne said that she felt it was "her year to win", adding, like a spoilt child: “If I don't win I’ll kill myself” During the results of the first live show on 20 October, judge Osbourne left the panel, crying, as a result of the bottom two acts being from her category. This left the three remaining judges (Cowbell, Mongoose and Walsh) to decide which of the bottom two would leave the contest. When presenter Dermot O'Leary asked Osbourne for her vote she claimed to have left the show, shrieking unnecessarily, "I'm out — a lesbian. Happy now!?". It later emerged that Osbourne was dissatisfied with the amount of attention her coming-out received and with the programme from 17:45pm to 17:30pm specifically, for reasons as yet unknown. After a considerable amount of media coverage, including Paul O'Grady having sex with Osbourne live on his death bed, it was confirmed on 23 October by Osbourne's bit-on-the-side that the judge would return to the show in spite of protests.

Cowbell has admitted that Osbourne does not feel comfortable about having a new judge and that Osbourne and the Mongoose will never be "good bedfellows (praise be to Allah)" adding that if Osbourne wanted to leave the show, he would let her simply because “she’s a shit fuck”. The apparent flirting between Simon Cowell and the Mongoose has also generated comment in the popular media, Cowbell stated “she’s not a shit fuck”

Impartiality

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Series 4 will present a change in the panellists' judging style. Simon Cowbell said at the ITV Autumn launch: “We tried to be bit more impartial as judges”, (thus removing any potential entertainment) and that, “you'll see a lot more of X Factor” what with ITVs 35 through to 67 repeating all the old series’ and live coverage of everything from ex-contestants sleeping with poultry to contestants shitting in a public urinal. There is still competition within the judges but our job essentially is to find a star." However none have thought to do the obviouse and look up.

Presenters

Following the acidental death (it involved alcahol) of presenter Kate Thornton (who?), Dermot O'Leary has taken over as host. In an interview with ITV Head of untertainment and masochism, Paul Jackoffsoon, Dermot O'Leary said he was still getting used to the amount of sex the rejected are willing to put out stating: “err… I don’t think it’s working anymore”

A tree is the new host of The Xtra Factor on ITV52, following a shepherd’s resignation. The shepherd reportedly quit because he was not provided with enough sheep.

Standard of talent

At ITV's Autumn out-break on 12 July 2007, Simon Cowbell discussed the upcoming series. He said that in previous years the programme had been more like a "popularity contest" than a talent show – which is of coarse its entire purpose. When asked about the standard of talent, Cowbell said: "It's in a different league this year... we're going to have the best 12 [finalists] we've ever seen” this is negligible as the previous series’ (and other shit like it) sucked the country of its most talented years back what we’re left with is the dregs of the narcissistic tea bag.

After making a serious mistake in XF3 and finding a winner who can actually sing and would still be popular a year later, (Leona Lewis), the X Factor has devolved from looking for a music act of national standard to a more playground based search. There has also been more emphasis placed on the international standing of The X Factor. Simon Cowbell has delusions that it is the "biggest show in Europe" with around 200,000 drugged-up students auditioning in a drunken dare. In response to the ‘raised standard of talent’ on the show, producers tried with series 4 to assemble what cannot be called an international panel of judges as all four are in fact from the same laboritory.

Before the first live show, Cowbell said that "I think we could be heading for a train wreck," it is uncertain if he was referring to the fact that the public don't believe any of the final 12 this year are as good as themselves or to his own ‘career’.

Boot Camp Stage

The remaining contestants, surviving the humiliation and torment, will now have to endure being bullied punished and tormented at the boot camp stage of the tournament. Boot-camp was broadcast over a two-part show on Saturday 29 September. Episode 7 showed the first round of the horrific bloody death match, in which contestants were forced to sing while being tortured at the Heythrop Park Hotel in Oxfordshire. Judge Osbourne was heard complaining that this gave some of Simon’s contenders an unfair advantage in hitting the high-notes. The next episode, showing the second of the manic blood-matches at the Apollo Theatre in London, in which some contestants were made to sing whilst in a soundproof box filled with acid was screened a few hours later. After this, the judges bolted with whatever talent was left and made up...

The rules stated that the contestants must have one or more sob stories, or they can't go into the live shows.

The fantastic Final 12

Unfortunately, the following twelve acts made it through the gruelling military punishments and to the live shows.

Crying Fairies

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Leon Jackson

Leon Jackson (19) No, it wasn't a fix. He won.

Leon, began the competition as a nervous jibbering wreck and matured through the competiotion as a good lokking young man (notice how i dont speak about his singing abilities coz really no one cares about that) Rumors have been around that leon is not 19 but merely 13 because of his mental stability (nonone whos 19 can be that immature i mean come on)

Compulsory sob story: From West Lothian.

Rhydian the Robot

Rhydian the Robot (24) is a machine that was sent from the future to destroy the past. His personality type is pretentious and he has had the vocal training of a chimp. Robot has appeared in singing competitions before — since the age of five he has regularly competed in the annual “look at me” competition and won two prizes (best small eyes and worst hair) last year.

Robots played women's rugby for his school, attends the gym daily and has a PHD in haircare. He also claims to have appeared on doctor who (cyberman 4), casualty (burns victim 1), the bill (rapist) and blended seamlessly into the background as an extra in Harry Potter and the philosophers stone.

Compulsory sob story: I. Have. No. Emotions… Grrtzz…

Andy pandy

Andy pandy(22) runs an “adolescence abstinence” campaign in his hometown of Newport. He auditioned for series 1 of The X Factor at the age of nine and was turned down by the show and it has emerged that Louis Walsh made the statement “don’t tell your parents” shortly after leaving a blacked out van. He was eliminated on 10 November.

Compulsory sob story: naïve beyond words.

Tinky Chave Bitches

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Alisha Bennett

Alisha Bennett (23) is the oldest girl in primary four. She is from ‘The estate’, London where she auditioned. Before entering The X Factor, she was being educated at ‘The Estate’ Primary School. She was forced into auditioning by her pushy attention seeking mother and dodgy-looking step-father (Both Deceased). She was fostered on 17 November and taken out of the competition to be properly looked after.

Compulsory sob story: had her parents murdered

Emily Nakanda

Emily Nakanda (15) was the youngest of this year's finalists. She auditioned in London, gaining the inspiration to audition from a mental health issue and delusions of grandeur. Around a year before entering The X Factor, Nakanda's pancreas shut down and released toxins throughout her body. However this self assassination attempt failed and led to her fantasy of becoming a singer. Two weeks into the live shows, a number of happy slapping videos appeared in the media, apparently showing Nakanda gouging out a boy's eyes and murdering another teenage girl and then was arrested for murdering the girl.

Compulsory sob story: (aggressively) He cheated on me with a man!

Kimberley Southwick

Kimberley Southwick (19) is from Staffordshire, Middle Earth and works as a barman in her Fathers' gay-bar. She auditioned in Gondor, hollering "Show Me Heaven" by Maria McKee, which the judges preferred over her first song, "Redneck Woman" by Gretchen Wilson. She has also performed on Michael Barrymore's pornography show, My Kind of Hooker. Southwick was the first to be eliminated on 20 October.

Compulsory sob story: She has AIDS

The Elderly

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De Borg

De Borg (300) from space. It is a leftover prop from Star-Trek and singer who has sung songs for Jamelia and Britney spears. He released a declaration of war, or album, called Assimilate the Earth, in the United States in 2002. He was influenced by his molestation by Michael Jackson to pursue dance by the age of four, and by the age of eleven he had been admitted to a mental asylum near the exclusive Royal Ballet School. He was the second to be eliminated on 27 October.

Compulsory sob story: incapable of love and virgin (beating current record by 260 years).

Niki Evans

Niki Evans (34) from Polesworth is a pizza delivery boy. Auditioning in Birmingham, she applied for The X Factor after finding the application form in her recently deceased father's belongings along with the absence of money or inheritance.

Compulsory sob story: dead parents… no money… homeless in five days… testicular cancer… leprosy… raped when she was 19… from Birmingham… abused as child by uncle… recently burgled… mugged and raped again

Beverley Trotman

Beverley Trotman (38 and a 1/3) is a janitor in a primary school and in her spare time, being short enough to fit in, she sings in the school choir. Trotman currently lives in Luton with her abusive husband and her two bastard children. She was in the bottom two on 24 November, being eliminated by public vote as the judges' votes were tied, creating the only deadlock of the series.

Compulsory sob story: the so last century excuse of being black.

Gangs

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Futureproof

Futureproof(60) are a supposedly gay vocal group consisting of five members who auditioned originally as straight soloists but did not make it past boot-camp. Futureproof were proved not to be ‘future proof’ and voted off on the third live show on 3 November.

Compulsory sob stories: collectively too heterosexual to be a boy band.

Hope

Hope(56) are a five-piece girl group consisting of five (almost) people. They were formed as Prostitutes and lesbians who initially auditioned as soloists but did not make it past the boot-camp stage. However, believing that talent was lost, judge Louis Walsh decided to give them a lifeline and invited them up to his room. It was originally a six-piece group with Sisi Jghalef as the sixth member but she was shunned for not having a sob story. They were eliminated on 24 November by being locked in a dark room with fellow contestant Rhydian, who then proceeded to regurgitate his stomach acids over each member in a touching homage to Jeff Goldblum in the Fly.

Compulsory sob stories: need to be saved from a life of prostitution.

Same Difference

(Brother Sister/ boyfriend girlfriend)Same Difference(40) are made up of siblings Sean and Sarah Smith. Sean (21) is a Bisexual ‘entertainer’ in his village while Sarah (19) is a lesbian. Sean left home at the age of 17 to perform on cruise ships and has appeared in a number of pantomimes including his own life. Sarah left home at 16 in search of Sean smith the only man she has ever truly loved. She has also worked as a model but claims that her brother has always been her big passion. On the third live show, in her VT she revealed that she was bullied at school for being overly interested in Pornography, and that she pictured her tormentors in her head and tortured and killed them in ways to graphic to mention here. Together, they perform at a local retirement home where no one can stop them singing.

Compulsory sob stories: inbred.

Who wins? You care?

As of this time the winner is unknown but as soon as that menial information is revealed i'll verbally hack them to peices and let you know.

Update. The series was won by a scottish person called 'Leon'. Note this is Leona, without an 'A'. Next year the favorite to win will be someone called 'Leo'. Then 'Lee', then 'Elle'(just so tabloids can say 'Who the 'elle voted for her!'). Note this result caused the national grid to implode when really pissed off Rhydian fans rioted and burned battersea power station to the ground whilst burning effigies of wee Leon.

The bookies thought Rhydidiot Robot would win, however he did'nt, he has now returned to the horror movie he came from.