The Ozarks

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The Ozarks
Misery's Misery
Junk car in garage.jpg

No rusting cars in front yards here. Ozark folks keep their cars properly garaged.

Old name(s) The Aardvarks

Land of Enchumpment, The Place That Will Make You Squeal Like a Pig

Administrative status
Nation 'Nited States
Region Midwest
Subregion The Ozarks, you wingnut
Languages Hardly any
Statistics & fast facts
Population 237,452 from 3 different families
World rank 97,331st (16th in toothlessness)

Hillbillies, leeches, kudzu, arson, kid playing banjo on porch

Cuisine Hillbillies, leeches, kudzu

“Where the hell am I?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Ozarks

The Ozarks (also referred to as Ozarks Mountain Country, the Ozark Mountains, and the Ozark Plateau) are the back-woods of the back-woods. They are the place where hermits go when they start to feel their mountaintop dwelling is too close to other people. The Ozarks are located primarily in the State of Misery, which infuses them with woeful shame. This is just fine, as far as the people who live there are concerned. What, like it's somehow better to be happy all the time? Screw you.


Early explorers and researchers believe the Ozarks were created by the Green Lantern, who was jealous of Superman's Fortress of Solitude. However, modern statisticians, comic-book junkies, and a sloo of nerdy virgins have made revolutionary discoveries that have turned conventional wisdom on its ear. The latest theories hold that an unknown group of people from a distant region (possibly somewhere over the rainbow) were threatened in their native land by a massive flood. Escaping the rising waters, they constructed massive wooden ships and sailed eastward through Kansas and on toward the Atlantic.

Unfortunately, upon crossing through Misery many lost their will to continue the voyage and beached their ships there. The large amount of kudzu in their holds - a staple of their diets - eventually burst forth, swiftly covering the land in an unyielding, unbroken leafen grip. This shroud has completely obscured the original vessels; today, the original Oz-arks are indistinguishable from the rest of the landscape. However, the hulks of these beached vessels are believed to form the foundations of some of the more prominent structures in the region, including the temple to the God of Starvation.

Modern culture[edit]

The primary exports of the modern Ozarks are depression and banjo music. The tourism industry is heavy; tourists come for the scenery (about which they have been lied to) and stay because they can't find their way out. Fourth- and fifth-generation descendents of these tourists make their living selling knick-nacks to the more recent tourists, with whom they will eventually inter-marry.

The Ozarks in South Africa[edit]

Afrikaans South Africans term for the Ozarks is die gramadoelas (pronounced 'dee chra-ma-doo-las', with the guttural ch in the beginning, like Chanukah). The gramadoelas is even further out than you have to go to catch die bossies (which is roughly equivalent to having cabin fever, from being outside too long) far out you're more likely to get trampled by an elephant than you are of getting your car South Africa, that's pretty damn far out.

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