Tapper

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A tapper is an abrupt, deliberate gesture with which a human male uses a quick upward motion of the rear of his hand to strike a peer squarely on the tip of the doodle. The result is typically a combination of raised eye brows, delayed-onset genital discomfort, semi- to full fetal position, lingering stomach ache, mild vomiting (only in REALLY awesome cases; see below), respect, comeradery, back-patting, concessions of the exchange being a "good one", and retaliation. Historically, it is well-documented. Medically, it is insignificant. Culturally, it is hilarious.

Historical Beginnings

It is generally accepted within the least acclaimed scientific circles that tapping began as a ritual or, more accurately, a rite of passage into manhood, in tribal Uganda. Ugandan war tribes often subscribed to the adage, "It takes a village to raise a child." More importantly, however, it became more and more apparent that, "It takes a tapper to show a jerk who's the boss." In this vein, it became commonplace for a village elder to visit the thatched-roof cottage of a male on the eve of his thirteenth birthday and arrange his presentation to the tribal champion as an obnoxious adolescent punk. The child was then walked to the village commons at sunrise of the next morning and restrained by his father and a designated elder, at which time the tribal champion swiftly backhanded the boy's phallus with the tips of his fingers, forever linking the boy to his tribal champion and sending him writhing and cursing into manhood. The boy's immediate vocal reaction was recorded by the village scribe and forever retained as his new name. It is understood that, via a successive execution of the ritual, one could elect to have his name changed. It should be noted that voluntary name change was highly uncommon, with the obvious exception that one's name became "Youfuckstick," "SonofaBITCH," or "Pollyanna."

The Tapper in Early Diplomacy

During the Neo-Classicist era of tribal Ugandan civilization, secular violence was at an all-time high. According to USA Today, it ranked third behind Detroit (first place was a tie amongst all those "virgin in the volcano" cultures). Thankfully, visionary and philanthropist Noel Coward, inspired by a recent five paragraph essay he had read on the subject of violence, decided to immerse himself in Ugandan tribal culture and reform its day-to-day dealings with neighboring communities. From his autobiography, "The idea just came to me one day when the assistant manager at the Valleyview Cinemark accused me of smuggling a package of Swedish Fish into the theater. I insisted that I had purchased them at the counter, but he promptly smarted me right on the phallus, resolving the dispute and convincing me that I, indeed, had not." Coward quickly made the connection to solving universal disputes on a global level and set out to infuse the resolution technique into the backwards ways of Ugandan diplomacy.

This, in many ways, marked the dawn of a new era. Prior to the inception of the tapper as a negotiation tactic or implement of justice, issues such as property crime or intervillage acts of violence were often resolved with massacres or public executions (respectively). During the old ways, the tribal code of civil conduct described criminal offenses and prescribed proportionate responses as follows:

1. Theft: death by stoning
2. Rape: death by tiny cactus (it's amazing the number of orifices into which a cactus can fit, btw)
3. Pantsing: high-five, sensitivity training, then death by wedgie
4. Murder: public shaming, elaborate curse by village shaman, exile, then death by arrows as you leave the village

Coward's proposed Taplaw changed the system dramatically:

1. Theft: tapper using stolen object (lame if stolen item is money, in which case it is replaced with a tomahawk; hilarious if item is a salmon; brutal if item is an antique bullwhip)
2. Rape: gruesome haymaker tapper by manliest woman in the land
3. Pantsing: high-five, then wet towel snap tapper
4. Murder: Atomic Tapper (fatal)! Yeeee-ouch! It would be described here, but 48% of the world's population would be unable to finish the article.

Within three months, Ugandan crime statistics plummeted to negligible amounts, with the small consequence of a similar drop in fertility rates.

The Adoption of Taplaw in Modern Society

In most post-Industrial Revolution cultures, the tapper has been stricken from codified law, giving Noel Coward one big huge metaphorical posthumous tapper. Despite its effectiveness in converting Uganda from a society founded upon ultraviolence and general barbarism into a quaint little Amish town devoted to barn building, butter churning and the buckle shoe, modern society has shunned the tapper and conformed to the teachings of popularized sadomasochist and homosexual, Michel Foucault. The criminal justice system has publicly denounced the use of the tapper in favor of incarceration, exorbitant fines, chemical castration and execution, springing to life several annoying civil liberties activists and op-ed journalists. The tapper has thus been dispatched to the realm of fraternity life and sibling shenanigans.

It should not be discredited, however, as a tool of behavioral correction and class administration. As such, it promotes heightened awareness among males, encourages solidarity within social alliances and establishes the ranks of those within the social order.

Legendary Tappers of the Old World, as Recalled by Participants

"As I remember it, I was smoking a pipe while taking an afternoon stroll down the center of Younkers when a small newsie approached me with a newspaper. I took a good look at the lad and told him he resembled Henry Clay Frick, causing him to step back in disbelief. I just laughed and told him to get a firm grip on reality, then popped him right on the tip, dropping him like a sack of dirt. I guess not all giving is charity." --Andrew Carnegie

"I used to get Wilt all the time! Pissed him right off. Here's a guy putting up 100 points in a single game, then I hold him to ten in front of a stadium full of ex-girlfriends. Hardest part, no pun intended, about tapping Chamberlain, though, was you had to reach down damn near his ankles to hit the damn thing." --Bill Russell

"OMFG! I was fragging the SHIT outta this n00b in Doom 3 and he totally haX0red infinite ammo on the BFG and wouldn't STFU! I so went space-time on that biatch and wailed him right in the head." --Stephen Hawking

"Oh man, dude! You shoulda seen it! We were all totally mackin' on these chicks at the Tri-Delt house and RJ asked me to hold his Nattie while he went to drain the snake. When he came back, I gave him back his beer and before he could even say thanks, I tapped his ass back into the Stone Age! Bitch was walking on his heels for ten minutes. Totally sweet." --Matt, sophomore at Virginia Tech

"The real reason Mickelson hates me is because once every tournament, I nip his wang from behind with my putter. At the 2005 Master's, I got him right at the peak of his backswing on the tee at 15 and he eventually had to throw up a little just to stand up again. One time, I missed and got him in the gonads. They actually had to remove one of them! Now you know why they call him Lefty." --Tiger Woods

Trivia

1. If done with the front of the hand, a tapper actually becomes fondling and can be considered gay.
2. While it is technically considered grabass, it neither involves a grab nor contact with one's ass.
3. Flicking an adversary's johnson, while still amusing and painful, is not technically a tapper. It usually is met with contempt.
4. US Vice President Dick Cheney once tapped Al Gore so hard, his foreskin rippled with such velocity that it sounded like an ice cream truck driving through a homeless shelter.
5. Once, during a friendly spat at the Emmy's, Ellen Degeneres playfully "pretend" tapped Rosie O'Donnell, which curiously elicited a grimace of discomfort from the mannish beast. This is the real reason her show was canceled.
6. In Quaker villages of early America, profanity in children was punished by tapping with a switch. Four years after its onset, irony was discovered, because the punishment typically effected more foul language from the perpetrator.
7. Autotapperism is a behavioral illness in which one compulsively taps oneself without warning. One hundred fifty-six people die each year from autotapperism incidents.
8. During post-operation recovery, it is customary for a surgeon to tap his sex-change patients "just to see if the little guy is listening."
9. Tapping has been known to cause certain forms of stomach cancer. We call those forms, "hilarious."
10. The only documented case of an Atomic Tapper took place during the Crusades. According to historians, the event was so horrifying, all witnesses were killed along with the victim in such a way that, "four acres of French countryside looked like a Mr. Potatohead factory." (source: Oscar Wilde)

Medical Facts

Much attention is paid to the anatomy of the region, yet the post-tap physiological state change is rarely covered in modern medical journals. It is believed that the tapper creates the most distinct and dynamic physiological change in the human body, more than menstruation or even diarrhea.

Tapper Lifecycle

1. Pre-Contact

Milliseconds before impact, the psychosomatic reflex of the genital region causes the outer layer of skin to recede in fear, resulting in what is considered "nerve-creep." During nerve-creep, a misnomer, the nerves seemingly extend to the very surface of the phallus, leaving mere cells between them and the point of contact, or strike-zone. As the nerve endings reach ever closer to the surface, they increase in sensitivity to changes in wind pattern, stimulating the region and slightly increasing blood flow.

2. Initial Contact

At ground zero, the corpuscles indicate to the brain that a slight pressure has been applied to the phallus. All muscles in the body flex due to increased hormonal activity, followed by a noticeable descent of the testicles and the onset of anxiety. The endocrine system warps into overdrive, causing increased body temperature and sweating, a feeling of surprise and inciting an optical response shifting focus to the area.

3. The Follow-Through

As the tip of the finger drives the unit inward, the flexed muscles relax completely. The individual is overcome with a sense of weightlessness and despair. This is where the psychological effect of the interaction is most potent. The pain receptors in the brain wait patiently as the cerebral cortex inquires as to what has just occurred. Possibly due to the overstimulation that results from a full-body reaction, the signals take longer to travel to and from the phallus. The stomach begins to feel warm. Teeth clenching is common.

4. Post-Contact

As the hand is retracted, the strike-zone recoils, creating an undulating effect internally through the solarplexus and up the spine, finally ceasing between the shoulder blades. The brain interprets the event and communicates to the pain receptors that tappers hurt like hell. Slowly, the body reacts--heart rate increases, the knees buckle and the lingering effects begin to manifest in the stomach as a dull pain. In certain cases, the undulating effect of the phallic recoil is so severe, it damages the lining of the stomach wall, causing an expectoration of acid and bile. Typically, the physical recovery period is two to three minutes. The psychological recovery can take up to five weeks, depending on the venue.

Prevention

The best medicine is preventative. The best way to prevent a tapper is to be a girl. If it is impossible to be a girl, one can decrease the frequency and/or likelihood of a tapper by keeping one's mouth shut, looking both ways before drinking a beer, wearing a cod piece, or being extremely deadly in hand-to-hand combat.

Recovery

In the instance that you do receive a tapper, immediately check the area for bleeding. Next, check for anatomical migration. If you have any of the right parts in any of the wrong places, or vice versa, seek medical attention. Otherwise, stand as erect as possible (no pun intended) and shift all of your weight onto your heels. The medical explanation for this has not been discovered, but the pain should subside at twice the normal rate. Finally, plot your revenge.

Executing the Tapper

Do not misinterpret the humorous overtones of this article--the tapper holds grave ramifications, both for the victim and the executor (or executioner--yikes!). If done properly, it is one of the highest forms of art known to man. If done poorly, it makes one look like nothing more than a meathead jock desperate for attention.

Setting

The first rule of executing a fantastic tapper is to wait until one has entered the perfect social setting. It is generally preferred to bestow a tapper upon someone during the middle of a wildly populated social event, such as a frat party or an awards ceremony. This is especially so if the party or ceremony is being thrown in the soon-to-be victim's honor. Giving someone a tapper is generally considered in poor taste if done privately, as its intentions have the potential to be misconstrued. For example, if one were to tap his boss in the breakroom, it might be considered a sexual advance. However, if one were to tap his boss just before his presentation during the company's annual shareholders' meeting, it might be considered a thing of beauty. In the first instance, you're fired. In the second, your boss will more than likely appreciate the sentiment and praise your courage in times of poor market performance. A little levity can be a good thing.

Timing

Finding the perfect audience is only part of the battle. You MUST have its attention or all is for naught. Let's consider two arenas: Madison Square Garden during a Snoop Dogg concert and Wimbledon during a championship match between Lindsay Davenport and Amelie Muresmo. Both are venues with wonderful accoustics. Both have thousands of people in attendance. Now, if I'm at the Snoop concert and give my buddy Douchebag Steve a tapper during the middle of "Gin and Juice," no one would hear him scream like a little girl and call me an asshole, because we wouldn't have anyone's attention and they would probably think it was just part of the song. But, if I wait until Davenport tosses the ball up to serve match point and catch Douchebag Steve right on the peehole, everyone will gawk in amazement as he bellows, "Gah! You fucking cunt!" in a silent stadium.

Technique

There are three approaches when giving one a tapper: the sideways approach, the tap from behind and the head-on (this pun was intentional) maneuver.

The sideways approach is by far the most common and easiest to deliver, simply because it allows you to be out of your victim's line of site and it gives the audience a prime view of the event. This usually occurs at gatherings in which large amounts of alcohol and bullshit is being consumed (frat parties, alumni events, Lexus auto shows, etc). In these instances, it is high comedy to wait until a colleague has just finished telling a coed about how impressive his physical feats were in high school and pop him with a subtle flick of the wrist as he takes a victory swig of Milwaukee's Best. This type of tapper is also known as a cockblock (in more ways than one, I suppose!).

The tap from behind is highly creative in that it forces one to premeditate the act, as well as make sure the proper equipment is available and the right setting occurs. I say this because it is extremely difficult to manage without the assistance of a foreign object and is almost never executed spontaneously. The natural habitat of the tapper from behind is gym class, simply because of the prevalence of hockey sticks, softball bats, tennis rackets and discarded shoes. Also, there is typically quite a bit of commotion during a gym class and it is physically impossible for one not to have his back turned at some point during the period. Wait for your teammate to chase after the puck, then quickly stalk him from the rear and clip him on the bellend with an upward thrust of the curved end of your floor hockey stick. Actual fact: in hockey, this area is referred to as the five-hole.

The head-on attack is a sight to behold. It's the grabass equivalent to just walking up to the president and shooting him in the face in the middle of the State of the Union Address. Granted, in the private sector, the victim will hardly ever have anyone in a suit try and kill you on sight for doing this. It isn't worth explaining here...you just up and catch someone right in the middle of a freaking sentence, if you want. It's brash, crude and effective. Let's hope they know about the heel-walking maneuver!