Tales of Symphonia
| Tales of Symphonia | |
|---|---|
 Can you spot the male(s)? | |
| Developer(s) | Namco |
| Publisher(s) | Microsoft |
| Release date | 1944 |
| Genre | RPG |
| Platform(s) | Xbox |
| Rating | M |
| Would Mao Zedong play it? | Hell Yes |
Tales of Symphonia is the fifth main-series "Tales" game made by Namco. The game takes place after the events of 2012, where the world has been split in two as a result of yet another Apocalypse. If the reader did not notice it happening in 2012, he or she must have been playing video games at the time.
In an effort to regenerate the world, a chosen is selected to awaken summoning spirits, that will beat you to a pulp without excessive grinding beforehand. Like other Tales games, the game takes years to complete, meaning an ample store of chips and Mountain Dew before playing is a prerequisite.
Plot[edit]
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You start this game as Lloyd, that despite living in a wooden shack still finds a way to spike his hair. You wake up in a classroom after your teacher throws an eraser at you, while prior to this made you stand holding two buckets of water at the back as the classroom. She is also an "elf", but an extreme hottie. All of a sudden yet another apocalyptic comet hits the earth, creating a flash of light. After the teacher runs like hell, leaving you and the other school children to die, you decide to check out what the flash of light was. Your friend Genis tries to stop you, but you simply state that he carries around a baby rattle as a weapon and therefore has no say in anything.
You and Genis discover that the light at the temple was merely a divine signal from heaven marking the start of the world regeneration. As another of your friends, Colette, is being attacked by Desians, you try to save her. This doesn't go very well, seeing as her weapon of choice is a frisbee. After getting owned by Fat Albert, you are saved by a dark and brooding yet fashionable mysterious mercenary, who tells you that you are worthless and asks you to kindly leave the premises. Since you are still using wooden swords at this point, you can't really put up a decent argument. However, upon seeing that both Colette and Genis are carrying around toys as their weapons, he doesn't have the heart to force you special kids to do anything, allowing you inside.
After fighting past zombies and piles of goo, you reach the altar. Colette is told by the angel Remiel to travel across the world and visit the spirit altars, all of which are conveniently thousands of miles apart and without even a Passenger Rail system. After you have defeated every single dungeon and traversed the entire world on foot, you finally get flying machines that take you to a new, parallel world. The machines immediately crash and leave you stranded on a mountain, where you are left to repeat the process of nearly endless traveling, fighting ridiculously difficult bosses, and beating your head against your controller for another barbarically long portion of the game. Then, when you finally get to the end, you find out everything you have done has been completely pointless due to a ridiculous series of plot twists. This is when you realize that the more than 60 hours of gameplay was a gargantuan waste of your time. You may now start the shitty sequel game.
Main characters[edit]
Lloyd "Red Guy" Irving - Protagonist of Sylvarant, nickname Red Guy since he likes to dress up in red, while dual wielding two swords at once. Lloyd's parents were killed by Desians when he was young and as a result he was raised by a drunken forest dwarf. Over time, Lloyd became friends with Genis and Colette who grew up with him in the nearby village. Lloyd is easily distracted by small things, and has an annoying habit of getting abandoned by all of his friends throughout the game. If you do not enjoy playing as Lloyd in battles, you're pretty much screwed, since he is on his own for a good portion of the game due to only Genis no one enjoying his company.
Zelos "Zelly" Wilder - Protagonist of Tethe'alla, you first encounter Zelos in Gotham City Meltokio, selling Fine Upper class Women to weary adventures. Zelos is the current owner of the Playboy Mansion, and lets Lloyd and his group rest there before joining them in their quest to regenerate the world, as well as visit some good friends along the way that happen to have forgot to pay him some money. Overall, Zelos is a very stuck-up douchebag Kind and caring person, and a very trustworthy companion who would never try to conspire against you.
Kratos "God of War" Aurion - Protagonist of Derris-Kharlan, he can more or less be summarized with the word "prick". Kratos has the most persistent knack for failing to heal your party fast enough in battle, due to his constant need to cut things. He has red hair that covers one of his eyes. Like most tough-guy characters in RPG's, Kratos knows the the answers to pretty much everything, but sure as hell isn't going to tell you anything until the end of the game when everything is already explained to you, but he does so anyway to rub it in. He fights with a sword and shield, as well as uses both offensive and healing magic, although Lloyd can still beat the shit out of him.
Genis "Midget" Sage - Genis is the character you typically want to pick up and dropkick. He is good in combat when he uses magic and stays at a far away range. This strategy never lasts, however, as ye olde A.I. tends to get cocky and cause him to run into battle, and when this happens you're much better off letting nature run its course. Genis is also an " elf ".
Colette "Board" Brunel - Colette fills the roll of the excessively "innocent and cute" girl, who would no doubt turn up as a body on CSI within two minutes of being in Las Vegas. Colette, throughout the game, goes through hell in order to become an angel. Despite losing the ability to talk, sleep, feel, eat or have any emotions, she gains epic sexual stamina okay combat abilities such as shooting Laser Beams rays of holy light. She tends to be continuously clueless and clumsy throughout the game, but has epic luck to get her through it. She is also as flat as an ironing board... which is a title she gets later on in the game.
Regal "Roids" Brant - Regal used to be a proud business man, but was put in jail for a small misunderstanding with his wife. While in jail, Regal became addicted to Miracle Jell. After finding him in the gutters of the Meltokio sewers, Lloyd decided to take him under him wing, and train him to unleash his junkie fury on innocent monsters and also angels. While it has been offered to him on many occasions to remove his shackles, it seems Regal's time in prison has caused him to develop a love for Bondage fetishes.
Presea "Loli" Combatir - The game's second emo character, with slightly less emotion, and much more cutting of various objects. Presea enjoys spending her time cutting down trees (and on occasion herself) and returning home each day to look after thedead body sitting in the bedroom. Lloyd's group decides to take Presea in after she assists them in a home invasion, and due to the fact they had recently lost their previous emo due to an unforeseen chain of events.. After extensive therapy, Presea finally gives up her emo ways and smiles for about 2 seconds, although this only happens like once throughout the entire game and is quite easy to miss.
Raine "Professor Dicks" Sage - Another "elf", that is also Genis' sister. You can tell that they are related, due to the fact that they are both the two most annoying characters. While Genis is usually annoying in a funny way, Raine is usually just a bitch. She is a teacher enjoys abusing educating children. Raine loves meth rocks and artifacts, going into something akin to epileptic shock or seizures upon discovering anything "ancient". The best only good thing about her is that she uses healing magic.
Sheena "Tits" Fujibayashi - Being a female ninja, as well as the exact opposite of Colette in terms of jujubes, 90% of all sex related conversations (98% caused by Zelos) target Sheena. Besides, they seem to just bounce off Colette anyway. Sheena has an interesting fighting style of attacking her enemies with pieces of paper adorned with pictures of Oscar Wilde. Sheena can also cast a variety of summoning spells, such as one that summons her companion Long cat to wipe anything in its path from existence.