Bird is the Word
“Brian, DON'T!”
Bird is the Word is a splinter group from the Prostestant-Reformist Church. They believe that Jesus reincarnated in the form of a bird in 1863 A.D. in Pella, Iowa. The church they founded is based on the teachings of the Holy Bird. Joining the cult of the Bird is only possible by overcoming several trials including worshipping pidgeons and jumping from a hilltop wearing a chicken costume, because the Almighty Bird will save you if you are truly devoted to the Holy Bird. Of course, if the Bird doesn't save you, the pillows that you'll land on surely will. They're not filled with feathers, of course.
Version of Scripture[edit]
When the people from Pella had caught the bird inside the local church, they put grain in His cage to eat. When they returned the next morning, the Bird had not eaten, but rearranged the grains into scribblings. The peasants then sought help into interpreting this language, and still, a certain section of the Cult is studying various patterns in those scribblings. So far none of them has found any pattern or logical interpretation, but maybe someone enlightened enough can shed light on the mystery.
The cult has rejected Scripture since then and replaced it with the scribblings the Holy Bird made during his visit on earth. Between what is mostly (seemingly?) random patterns one sentence can be read, with a little imagination: 'Have you heard?'
History of the Cult of Bird is the Word[edit]
One day, a certain Irish migrant with the name Peter O'Reilly (may pidgeons fly over his home) was thrown out of his house for coming home drunk again. After being thrown out after midnight, completely shit-housed, he met up with his best friend Alan de Courtlemagne. They decided to go to a cathouse, but found all women of pleasure were on strike for better working conditions.
The two then went to their secret drinking location, hidden deep in the forests of Iowa. They took a bottle of liquor from a hollow tree that they hid there before, and after drinking a couple of gulps He appeared to them.
From the top of the tree, a white dove flew down to the two, and started speaking.
Fear not, for it is I, the Savior, who has come again to save thee. Take me to your local house of prayer, wake the town, and let them know that I have returned!
Stunned, the two kneeled down and sung in prayer. Then they did as the Bird told them and, after almost getting lynched for waking everyone in the dead of night, convinced the town to gather in the church. There the Bird seemed to have stopped talking, but his inspiring presence was enough to convince the town to start the Cult of the Bird is the Word. This name was chosen as a reaction to the cult two forests north; The Cult of the Bird is the Lord.
Now came a question of leadership: who would be the leader of the newly formed Cult? Peter O'Reilly (may pidgeons fly over his home) claimed he should be, because it was his idea to go to their not-so-secret-anymore drinking location, but Alan claimed is was his liquor, and if there hadn't been any liquor in a hollow tree there, they would have gone to a different secret drinking location. Alan quickly stopped claiming leadership after Peter O'Reilly (may pidgeons fly over his home) had smashed an axe in Alan's forehead. Lastly, Peter O'Reilly (may pidgeons fly over his home)'s wife also claimed leadership, but she was a woman, so nobody listened to her complaints.
After a new church (The Broodnest) had been built on the not-so-secret-anymore drinking location, Peter O'Reilly (may pidgeons fly over his home) proclaimed himself Leader of the Cult of the Bird is the Word, and renamed himself Avian. He decided that the Cult of the Bird is the Lord became too threathening for his own Cult, and the best option for them would be to exterminate them. The Cult took up arms against the other Cult and, due to supreme airforces, completely obliterated the Cult of the Bird is the Lord. Then the peaceful nature of the Cult of the Bird is the Word returned, and they have not waged war ever since. After this complete and utter destruction of his enemy, Avian took on the title of General, to thank the Bird for the granted victory. They renamed the claimed part of the forest Cleaveland, in memory of all the cleaving that was done on that ground.
General Leader Avian then made a trip to Rome, to tell in the Vatican about the Second Coming of Jesus. After he arrived in Antwerp, he added Voyager to his title, to thank the Bird for the save travel. Voyager General Leader Avian then travelled to Rome, but didn't make it past the tollways in Swiss. He returned to Amsterdam to take a quick boat back to America. However, he missed the Pewtersailer, the boat he was travelling on, and took up his old drinking habit. During that time, he had visions about Ten Commandments he needed to tell his people about. Thankful for these visions, he added Visionair to his list of titles.
When Visionair Voyager General Leader Avian returned with his new found wisdom, the rest of the Cult had throughlived a great blossoming. The Cult was wealthy and they prospered. To thank the Bird for this, Visionair Voyager General Leader Avian took the title of Prophet.
Later in his life, Prophet Visionair Voyager General Leader Avian sent a letter to the Catholic Church. Because the Church denied the Second Coming, he changed his title to Pope, to rebel against the current Pope. And because he wanted to thank the Bird.
Pope Prophet Visionair Voyager General Leader Avian (abbreviated to Pope, for modesty reasons; and because the title wouldn't fit on nameplates on statues) gave his position to his son when he died, Pope Avian II, because he was such a family man. Pope Avian II led his people through a great corn crisis and a horrible thunderstorm. When he died Pope Avian III rose to power, and then a subcult started to rebel against the Pope.
The subcult thought Alan should have gained leadership of the Cult instead of the current Pope. The uprising was led by Alan's eldest grandson, Pierre. During this internal conflict to power, many lives were lost, but Pierre quickly surrendered to the Pope's overwhelming airforce, and of course, because he was French, and that is what French people do.
Recently, several atheist artists has parodied the Cult. As a reaction to that, the Cult retracted in the Forests of Iowa, their Promised Land, protecting themselves from the dangerous influence of the outer world. After this big retreat, Pope Avian IV renamed himself 'Great Leader', and insisted that every member of the Cult would call other members 'comrades'
The Ten Commandments[edit]
During his visit to Amsterdam Pope Avian I had a vision about the rules the Bird had forgotten to mention during his visit on Earth. He quickly wrote them down, using his own blood because he refused to write with something that holy as a quill. The Ten Commandments are as follows:
- The Pope of the Cult of the Bird is the Word is always right.
- Thou shalt eat only meat and large fruits, so that thou shalt not eat anything of the Bird's liking.
- Thou shalt not celebrate Easter.
- Thou shalt not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.
- Thou shalt not wear sweaters on a sunny day.
- Thou shalt force thy women to do the housekeeping.
- Thou shalt not steal, for I am watching thou.
- Thou shalt not eat things that move while thou attemptst to eat it, for it will angry the Bird thy Lord.
- The sentence below is true.
- The sentence above is false.
Interpretation of the Ten Commandments[edit]
Over several decades, many researchers have studied the Commandments to find their deeper meanings. Listed are a couple of their ideas that are most likely to be true.
The Pope of the Cult of the Bird is the Word is always right.
Most likely a Commandment to avoid uprisings, but it could also refer to the Republican ideas the Popes have propagated.
Thou shalt eat only meat and large fruits, so that thou shalt not eat anything of the Bird's liking.
Most likely a clarification of Man's position in life. One only lives to please the Bird.
Thou shalt not celebrate Easter.
A prohibition to avoid placing fake birds as a decoration, what may insult the real Bird. This could also be a Commandment to ensure all hard work on the land would be done and that people were not celebrating during these periods of hard labor.
Thou shalt not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.
This is one of the Commandments that makes Pope Avian I a true Visionair and Prophet. One can only hope to understand a fraction of his farseeing gifts.
Thou shalt not wear sweaters on a sunny day.
Pretty self-explainatory. When it's sunny, it's way too warm to wear a sweater.
Thou shalt force thy women to do the housekeeping.
Pretty unnessecary, because everyone was doing that anyway. But this Commandment was probably created to get to the 10. Nine Commandments just sounds stupid.
Thou shalt not steal, for I am watching thou.
This Commandment is for keeping peace and quiet amongst the Cult. One could also say that the Pope only tried to protect his own riches, but this Commandment is more for the greater good.
Thou shalt not eat things that move while thou attemptst to eat it, for it will angry the Bird thy Lord.
Because it is very unhealthy and also disgusting to eat things that move when you attempt to eat it, the Bird has prohibited it to protect His followers.
The sentence below is true. and The sentence above is false.
One can only hope to understand these Commandments. They probably have a very deep meaning we cannot even begin to understand.
Reaction of the Catholic Church[edit]
After Peter O'Reilly (may pidgeons fly over his home) had sent a letter to the Pope to inform him about the second coming of Jesus, the Pope answered by writing that he 'did not approve of the breaking with the Catholic Church' and asked 'to deny the tricks of Satan, and to come back to the Church because birds of the same feather flock together'. He also demanded that, in order to adopt the Cult back in the Church again, 'some rituals must be banned, for one cannot make an omelet without breaking eggs.'
Peter O'Reilly (may pidgeons fly over his home) was shocked to see the Holy Name used in vain, and reacted to this blasphemic response by renaming himself anti-Pope. Also, in an attempt to prove the Pope wrong, he organized an annual Omelet-Baking Contest in the Cult, but so far, no member of the Cult has managed to actually make an omelet without breaking eggs.
On a side note, the eggs used for the contest are chicken eggs, which are not considered Holy by the Cult, for their lack of Holy Spirit, but mostly for practical reasons.
Controversy[edit]
Recently, a band called The Trashmen had recorded a single called 'The Bird is the Word'. Despite various threathenings to the address of their wives and mothers, they refused to take the single back. Later, some awful programme has adopted the sacred name of the Cult as a running gag in their episodes. Also, the song 'Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear' has causes quite some uprising in the Cult. Pope Avian IV responded on this blasphemy with an official cult message: 'It seems today that all you see is violence and movies and sex on tv.' After that, tv's were banned from the Cult. The Cult has also come into disrepute by various bombings on eggnog factories. The Cult denies any bonds with the attackers, even though they have proclaimed to symphatize with heir actions.