Sultans of Swing

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Sultan? I thought you said sultana...

“Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn about any trumpet-playin' bands.”

~ Clark Gable on Trumpet-Playin' Bands

Sultans of Swing is the collective nomme de guerre of a series of rulers of the Autobot Empire during the First through Fifth Crusades.


The Sultans of Swing are not to be confused with Babe Ruth, who was the Sultan of Swat. The Swing Dynasty ruled an area on the windswept steppes of the Middle East known as the Autobot Empire. The Empire is noted for its devotion to Islam, giant robots who turn into vehicles, and buildings that look like Dairy Queen soft serve. The Empire included what is today Kraplakistan, MorethanIcanstan, Stan, SixPakistan, and other countries I just made up. The rulers were some of the most enlightened, clean, reverent, thrifty, and brave rulers ever to rule a non-Christian Empire. (hard to believe that a bunch of Rag-heads could do anything of note isn't it?) The Autobots, under their rulers the Sultans of Swing, defended the Holy Land from the infidel European Crusaders.


The dynasty was begun by the Founder of the Autobot Empire, Servant of Allah, Defender of the Faith, Sultan of Swing, and Heavyweight Champion of the World!! The pride of Louisville, Kentucky, Muhammad Ali!! Ali defended the Holy Land, and the belt, against a series of foreign invaders. Arriving in 1337, the Crusaders, under King Richard the Lionhearted, fought to free the Holy Land from Muslim control. Thanks to Ali, and his ally Lessiz the Moor, and the naval hero Admiral Ackbar, the Crusaders failed in their first attempt to capture Jerusalem.

Al Gebra[edit]

When Ali died, his son Al Gebra gained the throne. Gebra was not the mighty warrior his father was. In fact he let the heavyweight belt fall to George Foreman. But he was a wise and talented ruler. During the Second Crusade, the so-called "Children's Crusade", Gebra confused and confounded his opponents with his mathematic skills and indecipherable equations. Most of the Children's Crusade went home (with lousy report cards no less) and another Crusade had failed.

Al Jazeera[edit]

It would be another generation before the Christians would try again. The Fourth Sultan of Swing Al Jazeera would be forced to defend the Holy land from the third Crusade. With the failure of the Children's Crusade, Pope Sixtus VI decided on a new gimmicky Crusade the Third Crusade would be the Clowns' Crusade. Sixtus, being afraid of clowns, figured that the infidels would also share his fear. With this reasoning, he sent an army of clowns to terrorize the Autobot empire. Jazeera was not afraid of clowns, however. Balloon swords being no match for Damascus Steel, the clown army was quickly dispatched (See Star Wars Episode II: The Clown Wars, and Clinjas for more info on Clown warriors).

Ahmad Rashad[edit]

Soon after this failure, Sixtus was deposed and moved to Ireland, A new Pope, Urban the Rural, called for a new crusade. However, Jazeera's son Ahmad Rashad had gained power. The Fourth Crusade was launched. With prior word of Urban's intentions, Rashad had all of the highway signs between Rome and Jerusalem changed. The result being that the Crusaders were so lost that they wound up in Constantinople (now Istanbul, not Constantinople). Deciding that there was no way to reach Jerusalem, and being bored, AND seeing all of the nice stuff the Byzantines had, the Crusaders decided just to sack their fellow Christians.

Al Qaeda[edit]

It would be another 500 years before the Christian Armies would again threaten the Holy Land. Under the Amerikan King George II, The Crusaders again returned. Al Qeda, the new Sultan of Swing now faces an enemy far different than his predecessors. He also has the peril of being the "bad guy".