Steve Harvey

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Steve Harvey: Walk like a woman, talk like a man.

Broderick Stephen "Steve" Harvey (born January 17, 1957) is an American charismatic show host of many popular television programs including Family Feud, Little Big Shots, The Steve Harvey Morning Show, I Dated Your Grandmother, I Can't Stop Smiling, and Hurricane Harvey. Like most show hosts, he has caused over $190 billion dollars worth of damage to the U.S. economy, although he has not caused as much damage as one of his major competitors, Selena Katrina. Harvey was not always the monumental commercial success he is today, and had to work his way up to his current position through blood, sweat, and the Caribbean.

Early life[edit]

Harvey was born January 17, 1957 into a poor white family in Virginia. His father was a coal miner who dressed as a parakeet to avoid work, and because of the monumental amounts of soot and ash that his father carried around with him on his skin and his close proximity to his father at all times, the Harvey family gradually became black. In addition to the changing of his skin color, the ash affected Steve's mind, killing half of his brain cells, and forever removing any small amount of comedic talent that he had been born with.

As Steve matured, his family, friends, loose acquaintances, drug dealers, ministers, imaginary friends, and syndicalist leftists in the media saw his lack of talent for comedy and convinced him successfully to try stand-up comedy. As a child, he blew away everyone with his staggering inability to tell a functional joke. He was wedged, bullied, and beaten until his nose became so flat and wide that his face in itself became an absolute joke. After graduating high school, Harvey ceased his failed comedic ways, attended college, got a good job, found a loving wife, and became wealthy through genuine hard work.

Just kidding.

First dabbling in comedy[edit]

Harvey, after graduating from college, while being a member of a fraternity, Fri Ed Mellon, promptly set about wasting his life by becoming a stand-up comic and not pursuing a career that fit with his college education. He quickly became poor, due to his staggering inability to tell a joke. He began, in desperation, sleeping in his car, showering at gas stations, bitching loudly, turning to racial-themed jokes, being a sycophant to liberal television hosts, and bitching loudly.

Eventually, all of Steve's hard work and dedication lead to monumental success, as ABC, sick of listening to his never ending complaining, hired him to become the host of It's Showtime at the Apollo. During this long stint on ABC, he broke several world records, including but not limited to:

  • Most groans elicited from an American audience in a single one-hour broadcast
  • Most groans elicited from an American audience in a single comedic career
  • Loudest groan ever recorded
  • Highest windspeeds to ever hit Texas
  • Most flooding ever caused in Texas
  • Most money earned for saying "White people be crazy."
  • Most audience members dying of boredom in a one-hour broadast
  • First black person to shop at Whole Foods

Later career[edit]

Donald Trump: "If Ben Carson fails, you're my next choice for housing, Steve."

Once he left his role on ABC, Harvey looked elsewhere to "earn" money. He went on to be the star of the Steve Harvey Show from 1996 to 2002. This show was popular, but only ever with African-Americans and middle-aged cat-loving liberal soccermoms, due to its obvious message of racism against whites, Asians, and all non-African-Americans. Despite the quite obviously racial content of the show, nobody saw it as inherently racist because, in the words of then-Illinois Senator Barack Obama, "How is that racist, they aren't even black!"

Despite the inherent failure of the show, as well as the short lives of many of Harvey's other gigs he got around this time (due in part to the narrow viewing audience, but mostly due to the brain damage Steve suffered from all the coal inhalation he was exposed to), he went on to host the game show that made his career, that made him famous, that is the Harvey brand; the show of which I speak is of course... Family Feud.

Family Feud[edit]

Family Feud (also known as Family Furd, Shizzle My Nizzle, or The Show Where Contestants on Two Familial Teams Guess Other People's Answers to Arbitrary Topics That Are Chosen by Dumb Toddlers from Malaysia in the Hopes to Come Back to the Show Next Episode and Do the Same Thing Over and Over Until They Win Five Shows in a Row to Win a Car That the Family Will Somehow Have to Share) is the crowning achievement of Steve Harvey's legacy. Harvey has been the host of Family Feud since 2010, after the original host, whom nobody knows the name of, kicked the eternal bucket.

The show is wildly adored by audiences across America and the world, and Steve makes more money from it in a year than he did with any of his earlier gigs. Experts speculate that this boils down to the simple fact that on the show, Steve Harvey does not tell jokes; rather he lets the white families make themselves look stupid for the crowd's entertainment. Critics rave that this standing in one place and smiling, not trying to say something funny, is the perfect brand of comedy for Steve. The show has been a runaway success under Steve, and will most likely continue to assault the American public with its mind-numbing entertainment for decades to come. This was also the show that generated enough revenue for Steve to host his most audacious show yet...

Hurricane Harvey[edit]

On August 17, 2017, Harvey introduced his most wild comedic act yet. He traveled out to the Atlantic Ocean, where he began to wildly spin his motorboat in circles. He gradually did this faster and faster until the wind, displaced by his boat, was measured at speeds of up to 190 miles per hour. It was now that the comedian, show host, and professional black person became one with the wind and began to slowly make his way towards Texas. As he approached, the National Weather Service picked him up on radar, and after mistaking him for a hurricane, announced to the people of America that a category-4 storm called Hurricane Harvey would soon strike the city of Corpus Christi. The American people immediately took steps to find a map of where the hell Corpus Christi was.

Alas, it was too late. Before the American people had a chance to figure out where the city was located, Harvey was upon Texas. It was now that the American people saw the true nature of the storm, a larger-than-life comedic figure, before them. He began to tell jokes from his early career, instantly killing upwards of 40 people with his foul comedy, and many more followed them to hell through suicide, which, in hindsight, was not a bad idea. The jokes Harvey continued to spew were so toxic they managed to melt underground pipes, causing water and sewage to explode upwards and flood the greater Houston area, which apparently includes Corpus Christi. As the Texans living through the nightmare smelled the foul Harveyized sewage, which slowly crept up in the floodwaters, they began to begin to start to give up hope.

Two hours after Harvey struck, 80% of Texas was dead, with suicide being the main cause. Harvey got footage of his antics taped by his helicopter crews, and used it for his acclaimed television comedy special Hurricane Harvey. As a survivor, Reverend John Q. Public says, "It was better for those poor souls to die than endure the torment that Satan assaulted them with"; Satan denies any involvement with Steve Harvey.