StarCraft II
StarCraft II (aka Star-CRAP II) is the sequel to a popular game made by famous game company Blizzard. Starcraft 2 caused South Korea to implode when it was POOOOOOP, but sales of the game weren't hurt as the dead Koreans possessed their own corpses and had them fly to other countries to buy the game. After the launch, airline travel rates dropped by 75% for some reason. Many fans of the original Starcraft predicted that Starcraft 2 will not live up to its predecessor, since one of the kingpins of the game, Bill Roper, has left Blizzard to work for some other company, to work on Hellgate: London. Despite the doubts of many fans, it still sold several billion copies in its first week, and was declared the best thing since "the first one".
Release date[edit]
Previously thought to be Never, the game was released on July 27 2010, the 50th Anniversary of Starcraft Broodwar.
!@#$% Features[edit]
Starcraft 2 will have a variety of new units and features, some of which include:
'Car' Most notably of all is its zoom zoom engine, which allows up to 1/2 units on the f***** screen at once. While this is less than that of the original Starcraft, fans of the series still argue that it's not better, because of the innate attraction of gamers to the number 1337. The new game engine also allows the players to watch their units 24 hours a day on the battlefield. Blizzard also developed a life support system that periodically gives you sugar and caffeine, so you never have to stop playing due to starvation or lack of sleep. All for just 200 units of minerals and 130 vespene gas (Tech-Lab w/ upgrade required).
System Requirements First and foremost, you need a PC You DIM-WIT! (Although during development Blizzard seriously considered once again releasing the game for Nintendo 64.) Then you need a processor that will require your arm to obtain it, and a graphics processing unit that will require your leg. In short, "FORGET TO PLAY THIS $HIT IF YOU ONLY HAVE A CRAPpy PC! In order to make the game more !@#$% new player-friendly, Starcraft 2 will include a button that, when pressed, will give you 10,000 of each resource, and a limited edition WoW pet, for only $19.99. For an extra $9.99 per cheat, you can also get free units, faster building construction, and auto-win. This will make the game even more competitive to play, as Koreans with more money than you will be able to press the auto-win button at 400 actions per minute.
Resources Because of the stringent processor requirements of Vista and Windows 7, only high-end !@#$% PC's will be able to run the Warcraft I engine, so Blizzard included an option to run the game with ASCII (Pathetic version) for Apple II (monitor NOT included).
Battlenet 2.0[edit]
Massive butthurt was experienced by the community over battle.net 2.0 which removed useless features like LAN and chatrooms.
New features in Battlenet 2.0 include:
-Facebook integration.
-Maps in the server browser will be arranged according to it's popularity
-It also looks like the fucking windows interface with it's tabs and shit.
Removed features include:
-Passworded games
-Chatrooms (In SC1,these were only used for pedo baiting, spam, and hacks anyway.)
-Game titles (Game titles are for losers who want NO RUSH 30 MINUTE games.)
Zerg[edit]
Since the Zerg were primarily used for Zerg Rushes, all the units were rebalanced to better augment a Zerg Rush.
Nydus Worm - Son of the Nydus Canal, they can be used for a late-game zerg rush to send all your forces straight into the center of the enemy base... to die. It involves zerg entering its anus, moving through its digestive system only to be vomited at the other end. This isn't even a fucking joke.
Zerglings - Can now a splode themselves, a special ability that will clearly revolutionize the Zergling Rush.
Roaches - Designed when Blizzard employees thought the Zerg race, as a whole, "Sucked way too badly". When Dustin Browder was approached concerning the the fluid way in which these creatures moved, he responded with "Make them dance like Fred Astaire.
Analings - Also known as the Jihadlings, these sneaky little bastards will jihad the first thing they see ending with a high-pitched yelp of "FOR SPARTAA!!", while the Zerglings distract their forces.
Mutalisks - They were too expensive in the original game, so Blizzard made them much cheaper, weaker, and given a melee attack, giving an aerial component to the Zergling Rush.
Corrupters - Lawyers assimilated into the Swarm, they can turn the enemy forces against each other in a series of petty lawsuits. A number of Corrupters have infiltraded the Terran colony Earth, and are even now working to weaken Terran forces there in preparation for the impending Zerg invasion.
Ultralisks - Also known as infested elephants. They do a lot of splash, or "booyah" damage to buildings, but are very expensive and hard to get, and useless in a Zergling Rush, so Zerg players whined until Blizzard removed them from the game. Can't trample on zerglings, marines or anything.
Scourge - Cut from Starcraft2 because too many Protoss whined when the scourge pwned their Carriers, the only unit a Protoss player can make. Because Blizzard didn't want to make another cheap Protoss flying unit that is able to attack (Voidray,) they decided that the Scourge had to go.
Buildlings - The Zerg no longer have buildings, as nobody used them in the original Starcraft, instead opting to spend all their resources on zerglings for a rush. Instead, they now utilize Sand Worms which tunnel their way beneath the enemy base, before emerging from the ground and disgorging massive numbers of zerglings. Westwood Studios, the creators of the Dune series of games, sued Blizzard Entertainment for copyright infringement on this matter; however Blizzard won the lawsuit by flying every last surviving lawyer of the recently imploded South Korea over to the United States to fight the case for them.
The Queen - Blizzard really wanted to keep the Zerg Queen, but it was too expensive to use in a Zerg Rush, so Blizzard solved the problem by making a far more accessable Queen, further removing any incentive to play the other races.
The Scourge - Blizzard decided to try and move these beasts from Azeroth and the land of Warcraft to Starcraft 2. Blizzard later removed them from the game due to their ability to raise dead enemy units to fight for them.
Protoss[edit]
Mothership - The Protoss have a new unit, the Mothership, which has the ability to open giant vagina's of vortex doom (thus called the mothership), create crop circles, and abduct cows, creating an effect which, according to Blizzard, is "totally original." It can also easily defeat any type and number of enemies, because of its ability to warp space-time. One of the most powerful weapons on the Mothership is a massive laser which destroys all the units on the map, as well as the map itself. And all the NOOBs playing.
Fathership - A huge penis floating with an engine on the balls. It can shoot sperm, impregnating any medics getting in the way. The ship would then come and have sex with the Mothership and have zealot babies.
Colossus - Has freaking lasers. Although it looks similar to the War of the Worlds variant, and has the same weapons, Blizzard maintains that it is original because they changed the colors.
Colossal Mothership - An attempt to combine the best aspects of the Colossus and the Mothership, the experiments went horribly wrong when the prototype collapsed into a black hole that destroyed the Protoss homeworld. The black hole went on to become a major celebrity, and won several Zerg awards for saving them the trouble of destroying the planet themselves. Existed for 12 minutes before collapsing.
Immortal - As the name implies, they are completely invincible. Each Immortal costs only 1 Mineral and 1 Gas.
Stalker - As the name implies, these units have the ability to stalk hot terran medics unseen.
Zealot - Zealots have a new charge ability, which allows them to appear at the enemy instantly, eviscerating the enemies with their now silenced Psionic Blades. Also screams "AIUR ACKBAR" louder than Analings.
Observer - A flying, invisible candid camera. Often used in combination with Stalkers.
Carrier - Blizzard included Carriers to allow the proud n00b tactic of building nothing but Carriers while your allies are destroyed. Might as well return the Arbiter too, so you can mass cloak them in your noobness.
Reaver - Blizzard removed these due to Medics making lewd remarks about their shape (although no Medic has ever been caught using one for, um, that purpose). The discarded worms are as of now planning a Rovish Revenge upon Blizzard's HQ. I'm just waiting for the nuke cloud.
Void Ray - The only protoss unit that anybody uses. They shoot giant laser beams, and are therefore the best unit. They're absolutely useless if the enemy protoss made more of them, so it's very important that you just make lots and lots of them and ignore every other unit.
Anal Probe - The anal probe is an anti terran unit, sending terran marines screaming in terror.
Terran[edit]
SCV - Due to numerous complaints about how weak the SCV was, despite its awesome power suit, Blizzard has made this unit the most powerful one in the game, making it pointless to even try to use any other units. Thus Blizzard has decided to implement welfare cheques associated upon building SCVs, where the player gets 5000 minerals for each SCV produced. Blizzard has also changed SCVs to be controlled by White People instead of African Americans, because the Confederacy in the story line of the original game's masturbation-simulation mode caused people to assume "SCV" stands for "Slave Containment Vessel" when in fact, SCV operators are paid a wage of $7.25 per hour. To avoid completely white-washing the game, Blizzard created a hero SCV known as "xSCVit" (pronounced simply "50 cent") with the awesome ability "Pimp My Dropship" and involves trickin' out the ship with brightly coloured paintjobs to grab the attention of your enemy and distract them while you unload your awesome force of minimum wage SCVs.
Marine - Marines are men taken from the local county jail and equipped with metal plates which are welded onto their skin so they can't do anything but fight for their lives.
Ghost - More expensive, and more useless than ever. Now capable of using their rifles to make a 1-shot kill. However, this doesn't work on buildings, as their heads are difficult to find.
Reaper - New type of units, all equipped with jetpacks. They're pretty useless (explosive charges? oh come on, run an Ultralisk through or something), but very fun to kill - BANG! and look at 'im go... Some even a splode in colors.
Raven - Blizzard tradition continues. This time, instead of getting a decent Science Vessel, the Terran profit from some kind of Jacques Cousteau's Batiskafe rip-off, able to repair vehicles. And build turrets. Big deal! When you will be Zerg-rushed, don't forget to send a Raven in so that your opponents think you're up to something worthy.
Banshee - If you think this unit is new, then you're a noob who never played StarCraft. I mean, how can you NOT see a Command and Conquer ripoff behind this one?! The Banshee is exactly the kind of unit you see and say "Okay, waste of time and resources. I better send in a cloaked ghost, they can still attack air targets". Featured in James Cameron's Avatar.
Siege Tank - Due to the driver's fatness, the new Siege Tank is a bionical version of a very obese (or typical American) man. Equipped with a bag of 1 kg chips, a 2L jug of Coke, and the latest issue of Playboy, these tanks are lean, mean, siegin' machines. Built by Ford, these tanks will run for at least 10 meters (average) before requiring maintainance.
Battle-Cruiser - Large capital warships that still love shooting interceptors. Because these units were not powerful enough in the first game, Terran engineers added a sprinkler function to the main laser. It is also used to carry tourists on vacation to protoss and zerg planets but none have returned.
Terra-Tron - This is definitely a real unit. It is made of the whole base and plays the role of 'Omega Supreme Defense' (not to be confused with 'ultra mega defense' which is played by the SCV). The Terra-Tron gets a massive boost to all stats during the month of April. It is the only unit that can allow a white person to beat a Korean. Before releasing the unit Blizzard held a contest to allow players to choose one of its dialogue lines. Although 'do a barrel roll' was the winner by far, Blizzard decided to go with an old line from some obscure cartoon series. When the Terra-Tron teams up with a Protoss Mother ship it is the only combination that can defeat an SCV. The Power Rangers are not pleased.
The Thor - Despite any rumors that you may have heard, they are all idiotically pointless and made by your mom lies from the koreans. The Thor(Bono/Arnold Schwarzenegger) is the most second most bad ass unit in the game, and has no only the Odin, which is the original, and uber awesome, supperiority to Thor. It has the 255mm Cannons, also known as the "IMA FIRE MA CANNONZ!" Ability, although the second name is widely sewed by corrupters. This Ability has the power to kill one signle unit and deals 1337 damage, meaning even the mighty SCV will fall to it. All sufferers of the cannons have also been killed for cursing so much that, combined with the corruptors sewings, died from head a spolsion being clear noobs who rage quit and cant handle defeat. The Thor is near impossible to kill, and in campeign, can even be rebuilt if you actually manage to take one down. However, there is no chance of you taking down the Odin, as it is too kick ass, and has a even stronger ability, including a infinity damage nuke that destroys anything and everything. It is impossible to kill because of the epix "OdinDontDie" ability. It is rumored that it also is the only thing with a dick long enough to fuck kerrigan while she was infested with the "Lesbien Virus", which was foolishy thought to be zerg infestation.
Other Races[edit]
Xel Naga - A race that relies a lot more on "The Void" and "Enigmatic" things. Human minds cannot even begin to comprehend their tech tree, so Blizzard decided to just leave them out. It was rumored that their worker-unit was as strong as an Ultralisk, and as fast as a Helion.
Murlocs - Does not really make a major appearance, save for cameo next to the overpowered Tauren Marine. Probably wields Protoss phase disruptors, and probably the only non-zerg race that can build on creep, if they ever implement that.
Panda - As Blizzard always does include pandas in all of its games, there will surely be a panda unit in the next April Fool's. You must know that all features appearing in today's April Fool's are actually very serious things though deeply by producers in the past. So there might be a new species in space that all look like panda. Well, it's possible.
Leagues[edit]
StarCraft II is split up into two different leagues: Wood, Bronze, Silver, Gold, Platinum, Master, and Grand Master.
Wood League - The league you are in.
Bronze League - The league the highest end players compete in, and is the only one that has any respect.
Silver League - You make five marines and win.
Gold League - You can now use Kerrigan's monster claw teeth vagina in a real time setting when you unlock this game mode.
That is a list of all the leagues for people who aren't 40 year old virgins or Koreans. Move along.
Legitimate Strategies[edit]
Terran
- Fake Error - Kill one SCV, then load the other 5 into your Command Center. Liftoff and float to the far corner of the map. Then Type a fake error message such as <syntax error523: player out of sync>. If your opponent is a noob, they will surrender and leave the game, and you win!
- SCV Rush - At the beginning of the match, load all your SCVs into your Command Center and fly right to the front of your opponent's base, blocking the way in/out. Proceed then to kill their workers. Caution: You may be sued on account that some people will suffer heart attakcs from this lightning fast move.
All Races
- Fake Leave the Game - Type "has left the game" and don't issue any new orders to your units. If your opponent is a noob, they will think you left the game and surrender leaving you with the win!
- Race Intimidation - Type in "I am a Korean." Your opponent will automatically forfeit the game.
- Race Intimidation part II - If your opponent is an Korean, type "I'm a NORTH korean." Boom. Instant kill.
- "Trick the lonely loser - Ask if the opponent is lonely. If yes, ask him out for a coffee. The loser will instantly quit, and rush to the nearest Starbucks.
- Africans - Stop talking in a rapid Afrikaans. If you are able to convince the opponent that you are a xel'naga, then you will probably win.
- Low Self Esteem - Keep on paying out your opponent, if they have low self esteem, they will stop playing and cry in a corner. You can then quickly destroy their base
- "League Intimidation" - Since you are obviously in the wood league, after saying GLHF say these words: "Man that last Grandmasters game sure was a good one!" If your opponent doesn't auto forfeit, then you might as well give up seeing as he is in Grandmaster.
Plot[edit]
After thoroughly kicking the asses of all the other races, the Zerg decide that they've earned a nap, so they sleep for four years. The events of Starcraft 2 begin when the Zerg wake up. They are very hungry, and since the Terrans and Protoss will not freely offer themselves up as food, war ensues.
In the meantime, in some other galaxy far, far away, a very bad and very enigmatic thing has also awoken. It is also hungry (known as The Great Hungerer), but no ordinary food will suffice. It wants to combine the juicy flesh of the Protoss with the sweet and tangy flavor of the Zerg. So it begins to create hybrids - the perfect meal! In fact, it creates so many hybrids that it can't possibly eat them all, so it decides to just conquer the universe and get it over with. An ancient prophecy is revealed, which says that to avoid being eaten, the Protoss and Terrans must convince Kerrigan to make the Zerg eat the hybrids first. It's a Dark Being-eats-Hybrids-eats-Zerg-eats-Hybrids-eats-Zerg-eats-Terran-and-Protoss-world, and time is running out...