Spidersloth

The spidersloth (Amatcollis animalpedes, meaning "wise one who kills the sheep" in Latin) is a seclusive, hostilely rapeful and hopelessly violent mammalian arthropod that leaves a nauseating odor of death and decay everywhere it goes and which is both highly cannibalistic and spontaneously suicidal. The spidersloth is named for the vague resemblances of it's fangs to the those of certain large spiders and to the way it spends much of it's time hanging upside down in the treetops. In reality, however, the spidersloth most closely resembles a slimy, distended muskrat with a rash. It is approximately as large as a British man's foot and it smells almost as bad.

Approximately ten-thousand years ago, the spidersloth could be found virtually anywhere on Earth so long as it could find a plentiful supply of the only thing it would eat - food. However, due to global warming, the spidersloth has become much less picky and has in recent years spread throughout every continent except Antarctica and has been observed to take down prey as formidable as adult bull elephants and entire herds of wildebeest. They also almost cerainly may or may not have maybe single-handedly depopulated most of Asia and many small European towns and may or may not be rapidly finishing off the last few dozen people in Australia as you read.

How did they come to be?

You may wonder just how the spidersloth came to be. Was it by random chance? Nuclear experimentation? The pathetic product of an uninspired Creator? In fact, the story of the spidersloth is a twisted tale of murder, love, deceit, murder, love, more deceit, and much, much horror, with the occasional spark of excitement and much hunger.

It all started back in '89, a year that passed long, long ago, and high up on the very highest of all of the not-so-tall hills in the wild lands of the wildest and most wild place. Here was a small, small itty-bitty teensy-weensy tiny baby nasty, rat-lookin' fuggly thing that vaguely resembled an elephant. The elephant was much like any other North American forest elephant in that he sometimes blinked and never failed to poop copiously, except that this elephant wasn't an elephant at all, but a bar of Irish Springs soap (if you didn't already know, Irish Springs soap is made from 100% pure evil extract, which is then powdered and mixed with leopard seal grease to form soap). And what an evil bar of Irish Springs soap he was. For example, one cold winter evening back in '09, seventy-two schoolchildren vanished from the face of the Earth. The next year, all of the world's hogs went up in smoke and vanished. The next day every tree in the world turned into a fifty-foot tall fire-breathing ten-limbed rabbit without any eyeballs and a relentless thirst for bodilly fluids. Then dogs burst from the deepest corners of the sea and airplanes plummeted from the sky as ten-ton kittens scorched the Earth with their...

Anyway, long story short, the humble spidersloths rose from the ashes and multiplied exponentially.

Are they cute?

Most definitely not. The slightest glance in their directions will burn out your retinas more quickly than if you were staring at the sun.

Are they delicious?

Not at all. However, they are extremely nutritious, containing vast quantities of vitamins and minerals, but also and most unfortunately, several pounds of carcinogens per ounce of meat.

Why aren't they called Scheffuluhspughes?

What a wonderful question! Most unusually, the spidersloth is not known as a scheffuluhspughe simply because it is just too fat. Ten pounds lighter and they would certainly have qualified.

Are they exactly the same as both daffodils and automobiles?

Yes, they can sing just as well as either of these animals.

Can I have one as a pet?

No, but only because of their bad habit of leaving the toilet seat up. If only they'd put it down, you surely could.

Can I have sex with them?

No. Their sandpaper-like genitals are lined with venomous spines and heating elements used to cook their food before they feed.

Why isn't there a photograph of one at the top of this page?

Because they simply do not show up on most films.