Simone de Beauvoir
“If you did not know her, you'd think she was a lesbian.”
Simone-Ernestine-Lucie-Marie Bertrand de Beauvoir, often shortened to Simone de Beauvoir (9 January 1908 – 14 April 1986), was a French pinko, commie, Existentialist philosopher. She is best known as Jean-Paul Sartre's lover and goddess.
Early years[edit]
Simone de Beauvoir was the illegmate child of John Lenin and Some French chick. Lenin never saw the French Chick give birth, and was unaware of Simone's existence. Simone was left in the care of Steve Jobs who was a good "friend" of that French Chick. Steve was rich. As a result she was a flithy rich spoiled brat. When she was a teenager she was sent to Ecole Normale Mediocre. There she met her soul mate Jean-Paul Sartre. They were fixtures of the high society party scene. She taught Sartre how to fit in with the in crowd. It was during this time that they both began to experiment with kitten huffing and LSD. Their kitten trips made them want to look into philosophy. At the end of High School Simone was told about her real parents, and in a belated spasm of daughterly solidarity she embraced the communism of her father. Her influence pushed Sartre in the same direction.
As an French Smart Person[edit]
Sartre went on to become the Jesus of Existentialism. Simone accepted his ideas, and had a few of her own. Among them was her breakthrough concept of "The Cheese-Making Woman." They hung out with other philosophy types at the Doupole and the Comb cafes, reading Kierkegaard and Nietzsche. It was there that Simone met another of the three men that would tear her heart apart, Albert Camus. Sartre and Camus competed for Simone's love and affection by trying to outwit each other in philosopical debates and cheese-making. Sartre won because his cheese was better.
The love-trio eventually wrote out special rules for their special relationship. (See Jean-Paul Sartre article)
The Second Sex and Trotsky[edit]
While Sartre was writing Being and Nothingness and Fondue, Simone was had just finished her master work The Second Sex. The basic thesis is that women are better cheese makers than men, but at the core all indivuals are isolated in the universe and sex is just a short, unfullfilling atempt to cure this isolation. The real cure was cheese. Big lumps of cheese. So, being better cheese-makers, women are better than men.
Lenin died of unknown causes in 1952. Simone came to her father's funeral, and it was there she met the third love of her life, Leon Trotsky. She tried to attract him but Lenin's death had left a gaping hole in his heart and he was unable to love. Later this inability forced Trotsky to turn to Buddhism. He and Simone remained friends and Simone even wrote a political book in Trotsky's style called I Really Really Really Hate Stalin.
Old Age[edit]
There is not much to say about Simone in her old age except that she kept Sartre alive by poking him with a sharp pencil when he dozed off, and slapping him with a haddock while he ate breakfast. When at last he died Simone had only one thing to say:
“Meh”
.
After Sartre's death Simone joined Trotsky in Tibet where she died tragically by being eaten by a Grue. She was walking in a Tibeten cave when this happened. It is unclear as to why she was in the cave, though she may have been investigating Tibetan methods of storing yak cheese. People say she found Nirvana before being eaten. Now Nirvana is inside the grue.