Siege of Orléans
| Siege of Orléans | |||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Part of the Hundred Years' War | |||||||||||
 "You cannot break zis wall!" | |||||||||||
| |||||||||||
| Combatants | |||||||||||
| Poutine-Hungry Frenchies | Power-Hungry Englishmen | ||||||||||
| Commanders | |||||||||||
| Joan of Arc | Earl John Talbot | ||||||||||
| Strength | |||||||||||
| A few poorly armed peasants, a big wall and God | A lot of powerfully armed soldiers, bigger catapults than the French wall and a whole lot of lack of common sense | ||||||||||
“Orleans? I love that pizza place!”
The Siege of Orléans was a battle between the French and the English during the Hundred Years' War in which the English tried to destroy Orléans, France's lovely city of high taxes and low humour. Joan of Arc, an earlier analog of Abraham Lincoln who was treated badly because of her gender (female) and her notions about God and the Virgin Mary (obsessive) happened to pass by before the Siege began. The outcome of the Siege endeared Joan to Orléans, or what was left of it and made the English Generals berate themselves for losing to such a bitch.
Start of the siege[edit]
It was 1428 and the English decided they had to win the war against the French this century, after dismally failing in the previous one. King Henry V seemed to have wrapped up the war in 1415 at Agincourt, but had died in 1422 with the job only half done. His son Henry VI became king of both England and France, but as he was only eight at the time, he had trouble controlling his own bowels, let alone two countries. In effect, the government was run by his uncle Duke John of Bedford and Duke Humphrey of Gloucester. It was they who decided that the French needed a thorough kicking and organised the attack on the city of Orléans.
The essence of the English's plan was "Hey, let's beat them the only way we know how...bomb them with catapults until they give up!" The French, not understanding what the English had just said, noticed Orléans was being surrounded by catapults stolen from its now-conquered suburbs. Joan wondered what idiot placed weak villages in perfect vantage points towards Orléans. So, she decided that Almighty God and she would become the new leaders of Orléans (temporarily; she hated that dump) to fix the errors and defeat the English.
However, the French Dauphin, Charles, didn't care about the suburbs being conquered because he was focused on his last stronghold, Orléans. Also the capital Paris and its "Ile de Paradise", an expensive getaway island with all proceeds going to the Dauphin. (He didn't consider the advantage of the cities in a catapult-fight: lots and lots of idiots.) The English, ten thousand strong, began hitting his cronies with clubs. He asked his favourite tool, Joan of Arc, to convince the residents of Orléans to come to Paris and provide more tax money for the Dauphin. But Joan already had a different plan, even though it was almost certain to fail.
Joan's (God's) plan[edit]
During this ordeal, God was at home (in Heaven) but noted Joan's plan. There was instant allure, as co-management of Orléans might induce English atheists to convert to Catholicism and stop insisting that Catholics "prove" He exists. Joan prayed to God for an implementation plan, but he did not submit one.
Meanwhile, the English told the French that "Resistance is futile" and "There is no hope for you". The French still couldn't understand a word of it, and mostly didn't care. Joan tried to lure the English to the other wall of Orléans by speaking more English words through a large horn. The English heard "All your base are belong to us" and were baffled, as gamers are to this day, but decided that joining their brethren Englishmen on the other side could help them defeat the already failing French.
Talbot, the English earl sent to lead the invasion, laughed at the stupidity and poor aim of the French. Sadly, he was just as bad at dodging arrows. He perished when he dodged two feet to the left and took an arrow fired two feet to the right. He gasped, sputtered blood, expressed disgrace at being beaten by a motley Frenchman, and berated the nearest Englishman for getting him killed. The soldier was subsequently clubbed to death.
In the meantime, Joan, her plan in tatters, knew that the next English volley would be set and match. She threw in the towel and ditched the city on the wall that was free before the city went to hell.
Outcome[edit]
Joan was about to leave Orléans, but then the Virgin Mary and God supposedly said to her a divine message: <In french> "Hey, if you stay, I'll help kill 'em for you" to which Joan was amazed that God would actually help her. She was so proud by this that she went to the front of the battle in the later years of the war, believing God was with her. She was taken, held captive and burned to the stake the next day.
In Orléans, the citizens were becoming distressed at this awful occurrence that happened by them, so Joan assured them that they will be okay if they go and fight the English head on with pitchforks and weak utensils. The soldiers were also sent to do this, and so they went on a suicide mission to save themselves, believing God was with them all. By the time they reached the English, Joan watched and the pitchforks turned to swords and shovels turned into maces; leather turned into steel and hair turned into a plate helm. They were heavily armed and doing well, but they had the same armour and weapons the English had, albeit without training or numbers. They battled and the French were all killed (except Joan) and the English still had a fair number to them. One soldier declared that they won, and headed to the wall to break it down. It crumbled and collapsed, but landed on all of the English soldiers and killed them all. Joan, still inside the city, was ecstatic and thanked God, but looked around and found that she won for no one. She left Orléans in a slump, stating that she should find a new God.
Aftermath[edit]
When the English generals heard that the battle was lost and won, they realized that God obviously helped to defeat the English, but also realized that the city was empty, which also meant they beat God, which would be theoretically impossible if he existed. The generals were confused by this statement and they stayed atheists and no one was converted. God was angry at this, but thought of an idea to create a New Orleans Sometime in the future to recreate the events and try to convert people again. This plan didn't work, however, since the only thing to happen to the new city was to have a lot of floods due to being placed next to Atlantis.
The French Dauphin was happy by the outcome since he didn't have to pay for the citizens health care and still technically owned the city so he still had a little more influence. The ruins of the city became a second Jerusalem, by the idea that God's power still resided in that place.