Side note

Side notes are perhaps one of the most massively useful things in existence (except for those automatic toilet

Gratuitous kitten.

flushers). They are a communicative development created for the streamlining of human information exchange (some argue that they are simply created out of the necessity of bad writers to get their point across, but that's bullshit; nobody would do that).

Why Side Notes? (why not?)

As the information exchanged between people became more complex, it became more and more difficult for people to say what they mean (or mean what they say). Not only this, but as people's minds expanded, the volume of information also expanded(this expansion wasn't so much an expansion but a wallowing of the brain). With so much information being thrown around, it was generally difficult to touch an many issues without going off on tangents (staying on topic is generally overrated however. "Topic" is such an amorphic and expansive idea that it can hardly be "stayed on". When a point is reached in a given conversation where a particular topic is old, then it is no great problem to move on and go off on a tangent.) And so, side notes were invented. A means to address a topic without being rude to the person you're speaking to (or writing to [or side noting about {to}]). This allowed people to stay on a topic and slyly (like little bastard rats) insert extra information. But who really wants a side note?

Who wants side notes? (upon whom are side notes forced?)

Side notes aren't something someone wants to hear (or read [or generally experience really {I mean, who wants to be subjected to information that is generally irrelevant anyways? I don't}]), mostly because no one gives a shit. They have also been known to (and by known to, I mean intrinsically. This isn't something you just say like "hey, that was a side note and it completely threw me off." It's something more like when you're reading something and then you go "hey, what the fuck?" I'm not entirely sure about you, but if I'm listening to something [or reading etc.] then I want to listen to that! Not some random rant about something or other. It's like, I don't know, like rude or something. It's like "hey, do you want to listen to what I have to say about kittens? and then the guy [or girl {or not}] starts talking about like, elephants or hot girls in short miniskirts, and who the hell wants to be diverted? No one.) be distracting.

So side notes aren't a nice thing at all, but a cruel imposition of will. You may be talking pleasantly about someone's intestinal dissonance:

"Hey Doug!" you say as you see Doug coming out of the orthodontist.

"Hey!" Doug yells back enthusiastically.

"Want to hear about my digestive problems?"

"Sure" you respond, a concerned look on your face.

"Man, my bowels are going insane. Last night I threw up three times all over my face while sleeping (I guess it was because I ate chocolate fish over a bottle of vodka), it was terrible!"

BAM! You suddenly know about what they ate last night. Did you ask? Did they ask you if you wanted to know? Of course not! This asshole imposed this on you, and now you can't unknow it, there's nothing you can do. You're fucked, and it's for life.

Side notes and you (anybody really, it's not just you)

It's generally against my good will and moral code to discuss how to use side notes (but it pays rather well, but I suppose sharing the information is the only just thing to do). There are a number of things to do before a side note may even be used (it's quite difficult).

Step one (identify what you're even talking about)

Identify what you're talking about and don't be redundant (that would be bad and you not be following the rules would you?). This may be excruciatingly difficult for a number of reasons, but try to consider the following questions:

• What are you talking about?

• Who are you talking to?

• how slow-witted are they?

• Will the catch a side note?

• Will this compromise you in any way?

• Is the information you are presenting (in the side note) completely irrelevant?

If you answered yes to five or all of these questions, then the situation is adequate for a side note (six would be best). Now that you know what you're saying, and if it's adequate to use a side note, you must move on to the next step (step two that is).

Step two (don't hesitate or you could lose your opportunity)

Attack! Don't hesitate or the chance is lost (wait too long and a side note is no longer a side note, but a rather protruding side sentence, an inferior (and non ninja-like) version of a side note. Side sentences are bad because they aren't the sharp pointy knify thing (a stick really) to the brain that a side note is. This is why you must act quickly and without fear.

Step three (and most importantly)

What do you write in a side note? Let me ask you a better question instead. Consider your current topic of conversation (whatever it may be). Now consider what it relates to (whatever it may be, let your juices flow in the general direction of that large spheroid thing over your shoulder). Now consider a donkey, kicking you in the chest, you feel that pain? That's the pain you want them to feel in their brain (zombies don't count). You know what to say now don't you?(of course you do, you pimp you)

Tools (and other useful equipment)

Parentheses are clearly seen in this image as used by Egyptians.

The most important thing that can be used in side notes is not creation (aside from lightning quick reflexes); it's the parenthesis. Despite common knowledge, parenthesis (plural: parentheses) were not always used in side notes, but were actually created by none other than the Egyptians. Parentheses were actually canoes used as traps for small mammals (or birds), and when written down (or carved, whatever), was shown as the given mammal (or bird) in between two vertical canoes. As proper grammar would indicate (proper being a loosely flung term), the noun to speak of is the trap itself. The fact that there is a small, pissed off falcon inside is incidental and a mere side note.

Incidentally, many cryptologists, while deciphering the Egyptian Hieroglyphs misinterpreted this parenthetical. They assumed that such side notes were below the linguistic abilities of the Egyptians (as if, these guys built fucking pyramids for god's sake), and interpreted the parentheticals as a woman birthing all kinds of animals (presumably a goddess, or maybe a successful beastialititian) as opposed to the side notes they really were. Sure, the parentheses may look like the opposing lips on a vagina, but c'mon, I mean, really?

Results (if successful)

If you were successful in creating a side note (doubtful given the circumstances), then you have just elevated your level of communication. You are more eloquent and able to get your point(s) across successfully (again doubtful). Congratulations.

How to avoid side noters (anyone really)

That is the most important fact about side noters (people who make side notes). They could be anyone and they probable are. There are several things you can do to avoid being side noted.

quick action (see above[then come back])

First, you must be a good side noter yourself. This is because in order to know when a side note is coming, you must know when it should come. When this is known, you may speak freely until you detect a possible incoming side note. At this precise moment, use your attack mentality and punch the person in the face (preferrably as hard as possible) to dissuade them. If performed correctly, the victimized side noter will reel back in abject surprise but he will not make a side note.

Planned diversion (not quite like a sneaky rat bastard, but almost)

In this method, one must be an eloquent and fluent speaker and bullshitter (those of you with girlfriends, uncles, aunts, children and grandparents should be excellent at this). As the person speaks, nod and smile and most importantly, interject knowing phrases such as:

"I know exactly what you're talking about, the capacitor couldn't possibly be spinning faster than the hamster wheel"

or

"Oh, but of course! If she did bend over then, someone else would be your granddaughter instead of me huh?"

What do you notice about these two examples (it's rather obvious)? They are both short (but not too short), pointless (but relevant), repetitive (but meaningful), and just long enough to disrupt their current train of thought (but not to short to be pointless [or irrelevant]), effectively neutralizing any potential side notes for a good two to three minutes!

(Jesus Christ, can you stop yet?) Finally

This is a basic overview of side note history, application (attack), apprehension (avoidance), and understanding (although there is much more to know). Take this knowledge with you in your linguistic adventures and experience the magic of conversationalist ascension!