Sarah Plain and Tall
“.....zzzzzzz.....”
Sarah Plain and Tall, a character from some books in the 19th century, is one of the least lively, and most boring, fictional characters ever devised. Sarah Plain and Tall is not known to be exciting or interesting, and is mostly just a tall, plain person who has never done anything interesting in her whole entire God-damned life. Set in Atlanta, Georgia near the time of the Civil War, this 412 chapter snoozefest will take up all your free time.
I'm serious! Why are you looking at me that way, I'm serious. Don't expect anything out of this article other than a very long, in-depth description of her basic attributes. There is nothing interesting in this article. These are just the straight facts, and not a parody of the boringness of this book. This is, after all, Wikipedia (I hope). I wouldn't do that to you, seeing as how I edit Wikipedia and all.
Sarah
Now, Sarah Plain and Tall wasn't what one would call "exciting" or "interesting" or "short". She was well suited to just hanging around the fringes of society, collecting dust like your grandparents' record player, or their glow-in-the-dark dildos that were popular in the 1970's.
No, wait, I take that back: If society was a house, Sarah would be in the attic, just behind the old record player. Maybe wayyyy towards the back. That's how boring she was. Jesus, she was boring. Good lord. I mean, really, I know there was nothing to do in the 19th century, but this?? It made me want to set myself on fire.
Plain
Now, nobody could really argue against this: she was plain. They even called her that to her face, such was her plainness. When I say "plain" I mean "ugly". She was downright ugly.
In the old days, everyone had a nickname according to their physical appearance. Sarah was just called "Plain and Tall" and was assumed to be kinda slutty. I mean slutty in the way that most insecure girls are. But this was the 19th century, and they couldn't just call her "Sarah Plain and Slutty". They had to subvert that somehow.
Out of 10, most people on Rateme.com or whateveritis gave her a 5. Now, 5 is right in the middle there, but for the 19th century, she was probably more like a 4 compared to the other girls. I don't know what a "4" symbolizes, but I'm guessing that it's not so great that you wouldn't start to throw up, not so bad that your vomit of contention would actually exit your mouth.
The book goes on chapter after chapter about how plain she was. It's almost sad. In between matches of Ultimate Fighter Championships on SpikeTV, I read that stupid book: corn chips on my stomach and everything. When it started talking about how slutty she was, I must've cried for thirty seconds about her pathetic situation ...before Jackson took the ring.
Did you see Jackson versus Mike? Good lord, that fight was awesome. It was fucking extreme. Not like Sarah Plain and Tall at all. I bet if Sarah took the ring, she would be crumpled into a little Plain and Tall ball and thrown out of the cage. The book goes into a lot of detail about her lack of fighting ability. However, the UFC isn't mentioned at all.
Tall
Sarah wasn't freakishly tall, but she was tall enough for the physical attribute to attain a mention in her title.
Even her physical attributes are plain. Plain and Tall? What the hell is that about? The book, while only being a 900 page list of Sarah Plain and Tall's physical and personal description, does mention other characters as pitying her nickname.
As far as nicknames go, the book realizes that it wouldn't be a crowd pleaser.
| “ | I know I'm not going to sell a lot of books this way, but this is the character I created. I could have named it Sarah the Fuckin' Lion Tamer and got some attention, but no: I took the high road. Sure, she tamed some lions, but I'm not making a big deal about it. You see what I mean? She's just Sarah Plain and Tall: Take 'er or leave 'er. | ” |
- -Sarah Plain and Tall Chapter 15: I Don't Care About Book Sales
See? You see that? That was just a random blurb from the writer in the middle of the book! If that was in the introduction, I would understand, but this is just ridiculous. It was enough to make me lose my corn crisps off my huge belly whilst watching the UFC championships on SpikeTV. Guys, I seriously suggest watching the UFC championships on SpikeTV instead of reading Sarah Plain and Tall. ...Man, I've gotta work out.
Uh, anyway, the book doesn't specifically mention how tall Sarah is, but it gives us an idea. Basically, she's taller than a squirrel[1], but shorter than King Kong[2]. Somewhere between 2 and 800 feet tall, in other words. Somewhere in that ballpark lies Sarah, who, according to these figures, must be an average of 401 feet tall.
Sarah's Resume of Experience
Description: I am plain, and, conversely, tall. Although that's not very converse is it? Oh well.
Why You Should Hire Me: Experience with plain, tall people and plain, short people.
B. September 4, 1846
Jan 1855 - Mar 1856: Foundry, molten iron pourer. Worked at the foundry. The number of accidents went down 3% in the period that I worked there.
Mar 1856 - Feb 1857: Foundry, molten iron task-force manager. Promoted. The number of accidents went down another 5% after my promotion. Productivity increased 7% overall.
Feb 1857 - Sep 1862: Foundry, Vice President of Morale. Promoted. After the suspicious and unexplained foundry explosion late last year was cleaned up, the upper echelons of the company took notice of my efforts to make everyone feel bored by the experience. Morale improved 4% over the course of my tenure as VP.
Sep 1862 - Jan 1864: Foundry, Executive Vice President of Morale. Promoted. After the next two suspicious foundry explosions in early 1862 and mid-1862 were cleaned up, I was promoted. The number of suspicious foundry explosions dropped by 8% during my tenure as executive VP.
Jan 1864: I left the foundry over some embarrassing complications in my record regarding foundry explosions. I hold that they misinterpreted the facts, but I chose to leave the company nonetheless.
Jan 1864 - Sep 1864: Professional panhandler. Interfering with and accosting pedestrians for 9 months before the evacuation of Atlanta.
Sarah Plain and Tall and Historically Inaccurate
Unfortunately, although it might have been mildly interesting, Sarah Plain and Tall said absolutely nothing about the civil war. Seriously, I mean, she was supposed to be living in Atlanta during Sherman's invasion. There was some other reason why all the residents were evacuated, but it was considered "historically innacurate".
I'll be honest, by page 4 of the book[3], I started zoning out. Especially since the UFC was on. But I kept reading, just so that I could write a complete article for you bastards. This better be wikipedia. This had better be Wikipedia. Stupid book.
The Civil War and other historical nonsense was left out of the final edition of the book. I'm not sure that's a bad thing, but it may have made the book more interesting. Sarah Plain and Tall was full of historical inaccuracies, such as Mexico being a state and the existence of a second moon.
That was the weird part... every now and again, the author would say things like "Sarah looked longingly at Earth's second moon, and wished to be taken far far away from this miserable planet."[4] Then, every other chapter, the author would add a moon. Look, look here at chapter 97[5]: "Sarah looked longingly at Earth's ninth moon..." I did a double take a few times, but nothing serious enough to pull me away from UFC on SpikeTV. Seriously, guys. I mean, I know that I'm a 450 pound walrus of a human being, but after I watch that show I feel like Jackie Chan dipped in cheetah blood.
After chapter 97, the book started getting a little copyright infringey. When Sarah started driving around Las Vegas looking for illegal drugs and speedballing with her friend like in Fear and Loathing, I knew that the writer just started copying plot lines from movies he/she saw on TNT late at night. When Sarah wanted to get out of Kansas or wherever the hell she was simply because it was "bat country" I knew a lawsuit was coming. Sadly, it didn't, and the book is still allowed to be read by children.
Then there was something about her being a CGI panda trying to become a kung fu master[6]. That didn't make a whole lot of sense, but I guess that's what happens after a few hundred chapters. People just start turning into cartoons. Then there were about 30 pages that were in Ancient Sumerian. I couldn't be bothered to get my fat ass off the couch and translate it, but I think it may have been a ritualistic prayer or something. Anyway, everything I don't understand is boring, so there you go on THAT score.
All in all, it wasn't a bad book...
It was god awful.
Notes
- ^ Chapter 14: Concerning Sarah's Vertical Length
- ^ Chapter 257: Oh Shit It's King Kong
- ^ Chapter 2: Sarah
- ^ Chapter 84: Sarah's Aching for a Space Voyage
- ^ Chapter 97: I Hate This Planet
- ^ Chapter 409: Dude
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