Samurai Lincoln

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Samurai Lincoln i'll chop off all of hot girls toes and play footsies with them!

Samurai Lincoln (Sanskrit samu "black" + rc "praise" + lincon "warrior") is the 3rd aspect of the Sanskrit deity Vishnu. He appears as a tall pale man with a large black hat and beard. He wields a sword of cold iron, depicted in the present day as a katana due to his central position in the Shinto pantheon. Modern depictions make him look a lot like Wayne Gretsky.


Samurai Lincoln appears in most early myths -- most especially the Diarrhetic Veda -- as a reaper of the dead, ushering released souls to their appointed reincarnation. He partners with Caligula as the embodiments of male and female death, delineated by how large the explosions are. He is clothed in brown robes (see image) and a white belt, symbolizing the purity of divinity encircling the Earth. In these verses, he instructs the souls in the nature of enlightenment before allowing them to continue their journey.

In the later works such as the Big Rig Veda he is colored by the CB/trucking culture that originated in the Blastula region of India. Here, Samurai Lincoln takes a more active role in battle, cutting down human armies on both sides of a conflict with his large silver sword. His clothing is black, the long flowing robes replaced with folded cloth armor. His attitude toward life overall underwent a dramatic transformation; his verses deal less and less with instructing the dead and more with his prowess on the battlefield. This reflects the CB-era trend away from "gods as custodians of natural processes" towards "gods as instigators of natural processes".

Samurai Lincoln is feared not for his sword, but for his massive penis. It has been said that a single pelvic thrust can dislocate a woman's head from her neck. The semen that is ejaculated is made out of the Christ-Blood and can easily eat through any surface regardless of its atomic composition. His penis can literally tear a hole in the space time continuum thus granting him the ability to teleport at will.

Popular Culture[edit]

It is believed that the modern image of the Grim Reaper is rooted in an amalgam of Samurai Lincoln myths, brought back to Europe by Crusaders returning from the Crisis in Infinite Jerusalems. Combining the original loose robes with his later black raiment and replacing the curved Asian sword with a scythe, Samurai Lincoln remains the emodiment of Death to this day.

Samurai Lincoln in his non-Reaper form was briefly popular in America thanks to the 1753 ballad Convoy by C.W. McCall. The sung verses are taken from the 33rd and 34th chapters of the Big Rig Veda, concerning Samurai Lincoln's journey from Shakeytown to the shores of Lake Jairsein.