QuickTime

“You do not have the correct codecs installed to listen to Oscar Wilde.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Quicktime

Quicktime isn't a clock.

Quicktime is a joke computer program written and maintained personally by Steve Jobs as an insult to the customers of the Apple Computer Friendship Club. Quicktime's function is not well understood; it is not quick and it doesn't tell the time. Scholars maintain that it was originally intended to function as some form of alarm clock, but later in its evolution it became a media-disabler, preventing the correct playback of audio and video files.

Feature list

• Can't play anything but Apple formats (i.e. nothing you'll ever own)
• Isn't quick
• Doesn't tell the time
• Playback in full screen mode costs extra

History of Quicktime

Quicktime is an extensible proprietary multimedia framework, but this hasn’t always been the case. In the early days of the software it allowed you to play audio/video files, but these days you’d be lucky to get it to play MIDI. Steve Jobs introduced the capitalisation of the 'T' in Quicktime in the early 1990s, but this was dropped by the user community on the grounds that it looked retarded in the same way that capitalising the second 'P' in Powerpoint looks retarded.

Supported formats

• .mov
• Bitmap
• Kodak 35mm

Quicktime Alternative

The following is a non-exhaustive list of fun alternative activities that might be of interest rather than using Quicktime:

• Mountaineering
• Flower arranging
• Watching repeats of Frasier
• Buying a new hat
• Thinking about moss
• Cleaning limescale from your shower
• Investing in a Ponzi scheme
• Checking your tyre pressures
• Laughing at squirrels

Quicktime sex scandal

In 2008, a critical mass of Quicktime users mistakenly believed that Quicktime would lead them to have a quick good time. To this day, the “Nude Girls of Halpro” remains the number two hit on Google for searches for the “Quicktime sex scandal”. Those of us who were there remember it was a quick, good time! Unfortunately this caused offense to the American Premature Ejaculation Association of America for Men with Severe Erectile Dysfunction (APEAAMSED) after the wife of one of the directors said “that was a really Quicktime.” Apple is believed to have settled for an undisclosed amount out of court after it was revealed that Quicktime may have a negative effect on the genitalia of male Quicktime users. Expert witnesses couldn’t rule out that use of Quicktime causes Apple owners to spunk their bags.

Distribution with iTunes

Quicktime is distributed with iTunes. This seems to be to ensure that if you install iTunes on the Windows operating system, all your media collections will get absolutely fucked up and ruined. Why this is done is not clear. Some cynics would say that Apple force you to install this badly written shit on purpose so that they can claim its a flaw with Windows, but realistically how likely is that? How likely is it that Apple would do something unethical? I mean, Steve Jobs is a capitalist and everyone knows only commie Linux using reds are evil? Right???