Plan B

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Plan B the operating system and how it works.

Plan B, also known as the "All-Purpose Contingency Counteraction Scheme", consisting of Plan 1 from West Rutherford through Plan 9 from Outer Space, failed to take over the Earth, or at least make Jessica Simpson get back together with Nick. Currently, in the 16th year of the conspiracy, the original founders of the plan have had to go through all their best-laid plans and are currently implementing Plan C, which may or may not be secret.


In a nutshell, Plan B is to sit around until the second coming of Ken, letting the second coming of the Messiah handle fixing all of your botched decisions.


Plan B was first devised in 1967, as the final draft of Bell Labs' "All-Purpose Contingency Counteraction Scheme" was being reviewed by the aweseom queen of telephony, Ma Bell. The "Scheme", as it came to be known, followed hot on the heels of the Labs' highly successful castration/mind-control plan called EUNUCHS. The full intent of Plans 1 through 9 has not yet been fully revealed to the public, but it is quite evident that that they must be up to something, and that this something must be important enough to justify having a back-up plan to a series of eight back-up plans. Most likely, they are all plans for World Domination, but whether or not this is the sort of World Domination that involves monsters or schoolgirls is not yet determined. What is known is that the first draft of Plan B was submitted to the ultra-secret espionage magazine, Transactions of the ACM, and that the first draft was rejected after a Request for Comment form but the second draft, with revisions, was ultimately accepted.

Known Elements[edit]

  • Plan B will be under the direction of a shadowy, commander-like operative known to outsiders only as "The Colonel".
  • It is widely suspected that Plan B will take the idea of having every data structure in the Operating System be a file to its logical extreme, by turning everything into a file--not just things like devices, but algorithms, ideas, and even users into files. By reducing everything in the entire world to a stream of bytes, the "Colonel" can open, close, or over-write anything in the world!
  • Plan B is too complex for implementation or even understanding by mere mortals.


Plan B relies heavily on religious imagery and transfiguration, since it relies on omnipotent and perfect intelligent design for most of the specifications. Furthermore, meeting those original operational parameters is to be impossible for humans to implement. Instead, the archetypical figure of the Messiah is to come down and handle pretty much anything, including the creation and/or designation of this mysterious "Colonel". The original Messiah is thought to be a mysterious Ur-hacker Ken, who occasionally went by the misnomer "The Man With No Name." Unfortunately, Ken was killed along with James Brown by L.A. Style in 1993 at a love-in in Ken's native Ur.

The Second Coming of Ken?[edit]

More recently, another Ur-hacker has appeared, this time from Finlandia. However, this man, named Gaynux Thorvalds, is at the same time a Finlandian and not a Finlandian, so the thinking goes that if he can perform that miracle we might as well make him the center of a religion. Gaynux actively denies being involved in Plan B, which makes people all the more convinced that he's up to something.