People who send thank yous

Introduction

There will be at least one time in our lives when we receive a present of someone does something that we are meant to be grateful for. (If no-one has ever given you a gift or done something nice for you then you must either smell real bad or you look like this.) See image aside.

Many sad Christmases I fear...

Most of us normal people accept these gifts and move on with our lives, but amoung them are a few who possess a sad incapability to do so. These people instead choose to write "Thank You" Letters...

WHY!??!?!? What is the reasoning behind that?!

Let's face it, the likely-hood is that the "thoughtful" gift is a mismatched scarf or an over-sized jumper knitted by a lonely aunt who everyone dreads going to see because she has since lost control over her bowel movements and her house reeks of cat litter (although, no cat.. strangely). And most meaningful gestures will generally inconvenience our lives more than they better them. So what do people do about it?

They go and write a long-winded "Thank You" Letter!

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!

The First "Thank You" Letter

The first ever "Thank You" Letter takes us way back to times of cavemen. Written by a disgruntled divorce-ee to her ex-husband. The original carving is shown below.

The first EVER "Thank You" Letter :O. This picture has also lead scientists to believe that on receiving their gifts stone age man performed anal sex with each other

This roughly translates as "Dear Tosser, Thanks for the rock". Fortunately the woman was trampled on by a mammoth a few days later, however by this time the message had been received and the FOOLISH tradition of "Thank You" Letters had begun. Since then letters have become more and more sophisticated and more unnecessary twaddle is often added to bulk out these letters and make them more appetising to the expectant reader. The development of "Thank You" Letters is something that should have been stopped a long time ago and now only drastic action may put an end to it (See "People Who Write "Thank You" Letters")

The Defacing of "Thank You" Letters

Some FOOLISH people argue that "Thank You" Letters are necessary as they show they are grateful for the gift they have received and in a small way returns the favour...

B*LLOCKS Nobody cares! The only reason for "Thank You" Letters is to make old people feel a little less lonely, and take up some of their time.

I wouldn't mind so much if this was kept within a small clan who simply write to each other but the problem is the practice has spread and now innocent people (such as myself) are being forced against our will to write these letters of lies and deception that ensure only that we get the same crappy presents the next year. I see encouragement to send a "Thank You" Letter as a minor crime and enforcement upon children to write one as abuse.

This photograph was taken at a school in Wales where children are made to write thank you letters constantly throughout the school day (and school night when things get HOT-TO-TROT).

People Who Write "Thank You" Letters

I find it hard to talk about these people, such is the digust I feel for them. However if we want to put a stop to this insane tradition it is absolutely necessary to kidnap all those who write thank you letters and force them to consume every letter they have ever written. In extreme cases they and their houses may be stripped of all writing materials (e.g pens, paper) and all fingers on their writing hand, broken.

Once this is done we can all finally sleep peacefully, in the knowledge that "Thank You" Letters are simply a FOOLISH mistake in the past of the human race.

Example's of "Thank You" Letters

DEAR ________

Cheers

LOVE FROM <insert name here>

Note: this style is generally adopted by children with extended family who cannot be f*cked to write out every tiny piece of sh*t they received for their birthday to every b*stard that sent the piece of sh*t, so the reader is expected to fill in their name on arrival.

A relative of the thank you letter - The Annual Christmas Letter.

Always written by mothers to other mothers each trying to boast more than the other about their and most importantly, their offsprings' achievements. For example:

Dear Naomi,

This year has been a thoroughly successful one for the Johnstones. In January, Trevor got promoted from peasant crusher to hobo executioner, this means half the work, twice the pay and besides killing all those nasty hobos that sponge of the rest of society (he gets a bonus of £3,000,000,000 per annum as well). Zara finished Eton (all A*s) and also managed to give up that nasty coke habit. Horrington inherited another Earlship. I bought two yachts, a New York apartment (for shopping reasons of course, I can't stand that ghastly city), and 10 horses this year (the horses are just a hobby, you understand). Sarah's boyfriend got the MPship, as you've probably heard.

Oh and do tell us about your year

Lots of love,Heather.

PS: I also got voted No.12 in FHM's 50 over 50: sexiest women

The mother on the receiving end will have a constant hope that this is followed some time later by one saying:

Dear Naomi,

Not so good this year, Trevor in prison for BIGGEST FRAUD IN HISTORY house burnt down, Zara on the game and Sarah's boyfriend assassinated. Can't talk now; in court in half an hour.

From Heather.

NB: This rarely happens..