Night of the Long Knives

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Hitler at the fifth annual Reichstag announcing deportations.

“The faster Herr Hitler talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Night of Long Knives, also known colloquially as "Don't say shit or else the Gestapo will talk to you" was an event on April 21, 1934, when Adolf Hitler deported hundreds of silverware craftsmen due to his dissatisfaction with the quality of silverware in Germany. Notable individuals victimized by these incidents include the corpse of Lorenz Helmschmied, along with Jerry Falwell, despite the former being dead for centuries.

The price of older utensils rose despite their lesser quality. This is an example of the Streisand effect. To reduce poor-quality forks, the Nazi government artificially boosted the demand by accident just through scarcity. The resulting economic bubble made the Reichsmark worthless for a second time within 10 years. This enraged Hitler, as his plan for full control over the utensils industry, would not work due to people not trusting the value of silverware. As a result of this, he decided to fall back on his usual plan of blaming Jews even though they were busy ruining Poland, which Hitler would go on to liberate from their grimy little money-grubbing fingers. Many political opponents of the Fuhrer mysteriously disappeared that day, but we can't really say much on that matter.

Advertising for the fork auctioneers

Political justification[edit]

Hitler and the Nazi Party defended their actions by claiming that the USSR could keep the spoons and forks, while Germany got the knives. This deeply angered Stalin, as the local meat was too tough to cut with the utensils left to it. Consequently, millions of Soviets starved. Ultimately, the fight was not economic or political but rather culinary. Stalin asserted that making his country rely on forks and spoons "is like giving running shoes to a person in a wheelchair." Franklin D. Roosevelt naturally took offense at this Adding salt to the wound Stalin would later remark to FDR that if he has a problem then he can "stand up for himself."