Narrative conflict

This document is important because you cannot read it.

Narrative conflict is an unnecessary element in fictional literature (that would be stories that are true. Remember non-fiction means not true). In fact Conflict isn't even an element, there are only five elements as we learned from Captain Planet: Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart - yeah I seriously don't get the last one either but are YOU going to argue with Captain Planet? Yeah I didn't think so. Anywho, back to Conflict. Conflict is defined as any piece of literature and is often classified according to the nature of the protagonist or antag... oh who cares what it means! Let's just continue on with what we really came here for...

Unnecessary violence!!!!

The Rules: The fight is a one on one Battle Royale, there is a limit of 30 seconds in a match. First to get three strikes wins the match. If 30 seconds is over before the match whoever got the most strikes wins. If a T-Rex comes in and eats everyone well that will just suck, and if there is a tie the match will be decided by a sudden death round where the first to strike wins the match (or a lighter whatever they prefer). No holds are barred, but all bars are on hold.

Begin!

Man v. Self!

Man as represented by Jeff punches Stephen (representing Self) before even the match begins, the referee and Jeff get into an argument, dazed and confused Stephen attacks the referee who then attacks a member of the audience causing the entire state of Ohio to get into one large massive brawl with one another. The fight ends with Jeff both winning and loosing since all participating parties of the fight were actually a split personality of Jeff. Therefore because Self loses, Man wins until Man realizes he is Self, and therefore Man loses and Self wins until Self realizes that is Man and therefore...

Man v. Man

Man stares down Man who stares back at Man. The match begins as the referee blows the whistle. Not long afterwords Man then lunges at Man who dodges Man only to be hit square in the nose by Man. Man retaliates by attempting to kick man only to mistakenly hit Man who just so happens not to be Man but Man. Man is this confusing. Finally Man redeems himself by elbowing Man in No-Man's land (whatever that means you can figure out for yourself, my Man.). The match ends and upon review the referee decides that Man wins the Match against Man. Man gloats overs his victory and Man is disappointed. However after some time, due to the similarities of their names Man is thought to have lost where Man had won and Man who had lost is believed to have won. As many had predicted, Man wins.

Man v. Society

Representing Society is some guy named Carl, representing Man is Kevin Spacey. Carl says to Kevin Spacey "hey why don't we just talk this over a cold beer?" Kevin Spacey agrees. After Carl gets drunk, Kevin Spacey takes Carl out back and kills Carl. The audience declares it a cheap shot and the referee decides that there should be a vote to decide. After all the votes are tallied up the winner ends up being Malcom Jamal Warner.

Man v. Nature

Representing Nature is Cat. As the match begins, Man captures Cat in a blink of an eye. Man declares Cat as pet. Man then spends the rest of his life feeding Cat and cleaning up after Cat. Nature wins in the long run despite the fact Cat would much rather sleep.

Man v. Law

Before the fight, Jude Law hires a highly trained monkey assassin to "put Man out of commission". Of course being a monkey and having no idea how to speak English, the monkey instead throws some poo at Jude Law. So instead Jude Law decides that he'll have to get his hands dirty if he wants to prevent Man from fighting. So after doing handstands in the mud, Jude Law summons the powers of Telemundo and Man is burned by the Flaming Burrito of Hell! (The Flaming Burrito of Hell is available in Mild, Medium, and Spicy flavors. Comes with your choice of Sour Cream or Guatemale er Guacamole). Man is then hospitalized for several weeks. Afterwards Jude Law takes Man to court and successfully sues Man for the emotional distress of living with guilt. However, Man comes back with a counterclaim that "Alfie was a crappy movie." The Jury unanimously agrees including Jude Law who is the head member of the Jury. So who is the winner? The person who didn't watch Alfie, that's who.

Man v. Supernatural

Supernatural threatens Man with a bad horoscope but Man retorts with "astrology is stupid." Supernatural gets angry and then haunts man for 42 years. Supernatural is smug with victory until Man gets the last laugh by making a really stupid TV show called "The Supernatural" on the CW Television Network. Man wins.

Man v. Extraterrestrial

Soon after Man fights Supernatural, Man is going to go mano a mano against Extraterrestrial despite the fact the latter doesn't necessarily have hands. So instead they fight Mayo a Mayo. The alien then decides that throwing Mayonnaise at each other is rather ineffective and instead shoots the Man with his photon bubblicious laser gun. The Extraterrestrial decides to "phone home" so he could tell his family of a zillion that he won and that there was no chocolate pie (insert disappointment here.) The alien is then charged a phenomenally large long distance fee. Telephone company wins.

Man v Machine

Man creates Machine, Machine turns on Man, Man goes back in time to stop Machine, but Machine follows Man with intent of destroying Man, Man then fights back with help of Machine in order to defeat Machine, many years pass by and now Machine has turned on Man who decides to go back in time to stop Machine... Well, if you watch the Terminator you might just find out.

Man v. Time

Man is nearly disqualified for being late, the match proves uneventful with Man and Father Time chasing each other within the ring until time runs out.

Man v. Karma

Man gives a lecture at the University about how he mathematically proved Karma does not exist. Seconds later a toilet falls from the sky and kills Man upon impact. Karma wins.

Man v. God

In an unexpected turn of events God ends up losing to Man. However God then being God declares Man to have never existed. Despite the sudden move, God still does not win because if Man does not exist there would be no fight in the first place. God settles it by creating Orange Sherbet Ice Cream. Everyone wins!

Man v. Irony

Man arrives at the stadium while his opponent fails to show up. Man wins by default. However it turns out this was just a dream Man was having and in reality Man loses because he was late for the fight. Therefore Irony wins by default.

Man v. Woman

Woman always wins. Don't ask why.

Man v. Child

The fight begins with Child getting sucker-punched in the face. Child replies with a phone call to Child Protective Services. Man is sent to prison for 13 years and therefore loses by default. Many years pass by and child becomes a Man. Therefore in the end, Man has won.

Woman v. Woman

Since woman always wins and there can be no tie the end result of this fight is basically what happens when you divide by zero and raise that to the power of zero and times it by infinity using only a spongecake to achieve this. Warning: Attempting to recreate such a scenario is very likely to cause the universe to collapse on itself and for Carrot Top to actually be funny.

Man v. Weather

Fight is postponed due to rain.