Much Ado About Huffing

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“This play made my willy very, very happy.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Much Ado About Huffing

Much Ado About Huffing is a play by William Shakespeare set mainly in North-Southern Canada. It is one of his most his most infamous plays, noted for its scenes of foul language, and live on-stage sex and kitten huffing. The play itself has never actually been produced when the plot was discovered by the authorities and quite understandably shut it down due to reasons of public decency.

List of characters[edit]

  • Benedick: A heroin addict ex-Army man who, under the influence of acid, believe he's hearing Leonato tell him that Beatrice loves him and accordingly falls for her. He also sees Claudio turning into a big green duck and proceeds to address him as Orville for the rest of the play.
  • Beatrice: A skanky drug addict who is Leonato's niece. Gets the munchies after smoking some weed and goes to McDonalds. There, the bitch on the till tells her that Benedick loves her, and she falls for him.
  • Hera: Leonato's daughter and almost the only principal character to be a non-junkie in the play. Falls for Claudio, but after having an experience of White-Out abuse, she has a one night stand with Don the Bastard. When this all comes out, Claudio sells her to be able to get a fix.
  • Claudio: Former Army comrade of Benedick's who is addicted to cocaine. In love with Hera, although he sells her for a fix when he finds out she slept with Don the Bastard. Regrets it later when Leonato chops his bollocks off.
  • Don the Bastard: A prefectly legitimate child of some queen. Addicted to Tip-Ex sniffing, he shares his addiction with Hera with drastic consquences. After Hera is sold for Claudio's fix, Don inadvertently eats Claudio's bollocks, served to him by an angry Leonato. Sickened, he drinks ten tins of paint, committing suicide.
  • Leonato: Nasty bastard who smokes a pipe and sits in a rocking chair. Throughout most of the play, he sits there high, giggling as he watches his children fuck about with drugs and confuse each other with domestics. Chops off Claudio's bollocks in revenge for his sold daughter and later makes Don eat them. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the last laugh as he spontaneously combusts a few hours later.
  • Lieutenant Columbo: Old confused detective who bemusedly watches the events unfold and wonders why all these kids are so high and why his wife loves everybody so much.


The story starts as Benedick and Claudio manage to get out of the Army by deliberately getting caught with heroin and cocaine respectively. They return to their home on the Domino Harvey Estate and quickly regain their dominion over drug dealing on the estate by forcing Leonato into partnership with them. In the celebrations, Benedick tries some acid for the first time and starts to go on a trip. He believes Leonato is telling him that Beatrice, one of the prossies from round the corner, is in love with him. He also sees Claudio turn into Orville the duck before passing out. When he wakes up the next morning and falls for Beatrice.

Meanwhile, Beatrice is smoking weed with her cousin Hera and gets the munchies. Claudio buys a few hours with Hera and she goes to McDonalds. The bitch on the till, (that's all she is ever referred to as) tells her randomly that some guy called Benedick loves Beatrice, and that her meal costs £3.99. Beatrice falls for Benedick, having heard he has "more weed than fucking Mr. McGregor's garden". Claudio and Hera are well at it by this point and plan to see each other again. However, Don the Bastard from round the corner plots to separate them, as Hera is his skank, not Claudio's. He gets Hera to do some Tip-Ex huffing with the promise she doesn't have to inhale and she shags Don the Bastard without a second thought. And the jammy bastard doesn't even have to pay.

Claudio finds out about this and sells her to a 56 year old Dutch bloke with the clap for a fix of heroin. Leonato is pissed at this, and gets out of his chair to chop Claudio's bollocks off. Bored, he serves them to Don the Bastard without knowing that it's Don's fault his daughter now belongs to some Dutch bloke. He tells Don the Bastard he has just ate Claudio's bollocks, causing him to drink ten tins of paint and die. Leonato then spontaneously combusts. Benedick and Beatrice then meet up, have a quick shag and overdose on heroin in the bath.

The only survivors are Hera and Lieutenant Columbo. The latter, bored, goes in search of Hera to return her to the estate. Soon, they find Hera laying on the street of France. Since her arrival in France, she started a very famous prostitution center, currently called the Louvre.