Monkeypox

Best to keep cymbals away from severely infected individuals.

Monkeypox, which is caused by ingesting members of the primate family, is one of the most contagious diseases known to mankind, as well as one of the most deadly. The symptoms include: a desire to listen to Sarah McLachlan music, socks which ride up too high despite all efforts to roll them down, and sudden heart failure. It predates Coronavirus but could be a big deal in 2022.

Symptons

If you suspect that you have this disease, the best thing to do is to end it all, because no known cure exists. However, if you want to carry on living a course of treatment includes:

a) Removing the monkeys from the skin as they pop out, which requires several rounds of expensive surgery.

b) Forced viewing of The Saw, which induces vomiting and may save the victim from ever wanting to use a rest room again and, finally,

c) The application of lotion, which sooths (but does NOT cure) the painful, burning rash that coincides with the monkeys popping out of the flesh.

History

The first known victim of Monkeypox was Abraham Lincoln, who allegedly begged his good friend, actor John Wilkes Booth, to end his suffering. As Booth left the scene of the assisted suicide, he cried out "Sic Semper Tyrannis," or “Death to Monkeypox,” which is often mistranslated in modern text books as "Thus always to tyrants" (whatever that means).

The 'Monkeypox' defence was later tried by the assassins of presidents James A. Garfield in 1881 and William McKinley in 1901. In both cases killers Charles Guiteau and Leon Czolgosz were locked in a gorilla pen at New York zoo and torn apart. After that Thomas Edison managed to convince the federal authorities his electric chair method of execution was 'more humane'.

Spread

Monkeypox was up against Smallpox, Bigpox and Vox Pox and so retreated from public awareness. The disease was geographically linked with Africa, India, and South America where monkeys happily mix with humans and steal their food and mobile phones. Now it seems monkeypox has spread worldwide. It is a contagious disease that may not always kill you but leave you scarred and in need of body tattoos to cover up the damage.

The New Covid

Already anti-covid, anti-vaccine groups are mobilising. They want everyone to get the monkeypox otherwise a new lock down will turn everyone bananas.

A new name

After complaints from the chimpanzee community who have long battled with humans calling them 'monkeys', the scientific community want it re-labelled as 'mpox'. We have had M People, so why not M Pox?.