Mike Love
Michael Edward "Surfin'-Scissorhands" Love (March 15, 1941 – never) is an American singer-songwriter, musician, surfer, businessmen, and one of the founders of The Beach Boys. He is well known for his fromage-like lyrics and distinct old man smell, which he has recently bottled into an aftershave.
As the main lyricist, lead singer, and destroyer enhancer of the Beach Boys, Mike is the main reason why most of their songs are revered for their highly intelligent content. When he isn't suing the other band members in the hope of finally getting the recognition he really deserves, he tours the world with a group of elderly has-beens erroneously named "The Beach Boys", serenading aging baby boomers who stopped listening to new music in 1975.
Early life[edit]
Mike Love was accidentally produced by generations of laborious surf-breeding, a heinous genetic experiment that reached its apotheosis when scientists isolated the "gutsy tough-talker" gene from Murry Wilson and injected it into the mutating zygote that eventually grew into Love.
The linear formation of Love's family tree allowed genealogists to trace his heritage back to Antonio Salieri, better known as "that nice guy from Amadeus," but comparisons to Salieri are mean-spirited at best; Love actually composed music while Salieri was only capable of scribbling hackneyed phrases with jumbo-sized crayons.
Career[edit]
The Beach Boys[edit]
“Don't FUCK with the formula!”
During his days away from the laboratory, Mike Love befriended Brian Wilson and others who were at that time unaware of his latent talent. After mauling and devouring his caretakers, Love fled to Hawthorne, California where he assimilated himself into mundane, suburban life and reunited with the Wilson family. Despite his nasal voice, the Wilsons recruited him into their group because they needed five vocalists and most high school males were discouraged from singing barbershop (in 1961, high school jocks killed 28,565 barbershop vocalists in California alone).
The group finally broke after naming themselves The Beach Boys, but they still had one major obstacle to overcome: their primary composer, Brian Wilson, was actually an illegal Polynesian immigrant, hence his love for surfing and beaches. Brian's albinism allowed him to hide his ethnicity, but despite his musical gifts (he taught himself the kazoo at the age of 3), he was unable to write English lyrics for his compositions. Love was the only Beach Boy who could finish an album's worth of English-language songs on short notice, so he soon became the primary force behind the band. Thus the Beach Boys were born, churning out one hit after another until 1964, when The Beatles invaded America, overthrowing the Presidency and establishing an English monarchy which continues to this day.
To show his appreciation for the Beatles, who offered amnesty to bedridden drug addicts across their empire, Brian decided to record an album in their honor. Brian was able to mimic the baroque arrangements of the Beatles' best work, but he knew he needed a better lyricist, so he hired an ad writer to replace Love. The result was Pet Sounds, an album that has been consistently hailed as the worst album in history, undoubtedly because the brilliance of Mike Love was absent from almost all of the songs. Feeling betrayed, Love decided to beat the crap out of Brian's best friend Van Dyke Parks, which caused Brian to have a nervous breakdown. This allowed Mike to to take over the band and reshape it in his image of Kokomos, John Stamos ballads, and Bart Simpson duets.
In 1988, the Beach Boys were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, where Love took the opportunity to make a long-winded speech, right before the house band cut him off:
| “ | The Beach Boys have continued to do...about 180 performances last year. I'd like to see the Mop-Tops match that! I'd like to see Mick Jagger get out on this stage and do "I Get Around" versus "Jumpin' Jack Flash"...I'd like to see some people 'kick out the jams,' and I challenge the Boss to get up on stage and jam. I wanna see Billy Joel, see if he can still tickle ivories...I know Mick Jagger won't be here tonight...But I'd like to see us in the Colosseum and he at Wembley Stadium because he's always been chickenshit to get on stage with the Beach Boys. | ” |
Other work[edit]
While his ancestor Salieri could barely compose music, Love was the creative genius behind such timeless classics as "Wouldn't It Be Nice" and "Be My Baby" by The Ronettes, "Surfer Girl" by Elton John and The Wailers, and "Heal the World" by The Jordan Five. Love's actual involvement in these songs will come to light once he gets time for a few more lawsuits.
The most respected man in music history, Love has flaunted his powers and immortality, litigating other beloved musical artists into financial bankruptcy and ordering "hits" on such historical figures as Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, and Richard Nixon.
Personal life[edit]
Mike Love (not war) currently lives in Pebble Beach, California where he spends his time surfing, waxing his chest, and hitting on younger ladies. He has at least thirteen wives and two children that he remembers. He recently told newspapers that he is considering moving abroad with his family, because Cali's heat is rapidly transforming him into a raisin.