Tyne And Wear Metro
“Christ! Someone didn't flush this Metro!!!”
The Tyne & Wear Metro (otherwise known as the The Me'ro, The Metty or The Nettie) is a network of public toilets mounted onto railway tracks put in place by the government so the unemployed could be transported to their various public houses or patches of scorched earth where shipyards and factories might once have stood or to statues standing where 'Wor' Jackie shat himself or stabbed a prostitute.
Design and construction
The Tyne & Wear Metro was designed by Jack The Force-It Apprentice. He came up with the idea after crashing model trains together on his model railway set. After realising the potential for an unreliable, smelly, dangerous and suicidal way of transporting people from A to B in tin cans, they set to work building it using concrete and some left-over fridges.
Construction of the Metro began at around 1033, and after a 1-hour lunch break at 1130, the track and the Metro trains were completed in record time by 1856. And all thanks to some ingenious corner cutting, such as not fixing the track to the railway sleepers.
Metro trains require an electric power supply in order for them to move. This is provided by a 9-volt battery and has proven to be highly cost efficient since the introduction of Uniross rechargeable batteries. Sadly, many teenagers are now prone to tresspassing onto the tracks in order to remove the battery and lick it to see if they get a shock.
However, in 2008, it still managed to win the Ultimate Utter Rubbish Awaard For being the cleanliest public transport service, beating off Bus companies like Stagecoach and Poo On The Tyne
There was general confusion as to the purpose of the Tyne & Wear Metro when it was unveiled to the journalist from the Sunderland Echo. This could be related to the fact that the Journalist was drunk and projectile vomiting on the driver of the Metro.
In the early 3rd Millenium Sunderland enjoyed a metro link to Newcastle. However the line westwards from Sunderland central proved pointless so now there is only a train to South Hylton on the third tuesday of a month which has an e in it. And you have to change 4 times and hitch a ride on the back of a farmers cart and then walk along the track for about 25 metres and risk being electrocuted and being bitten by a duck and then catching herpes or very possibly Bird Flu although unlikely.
To bitch-slap anyone from Milfield
Now the Metro have devised a completely new way to annoy passengers called 'lets not stop at Milfield at random times to annoy people' yes that's right for some unbeknown and completely feckless reason 1 out of 10 trains every hour now does not stop at Milfield; unless its 8:32:52AM on the 2nd Tuesday of the month where two people have said "Bannana" at the same time in two different countries while balancing a car on their heads.
Why on earth did they build it?
It was marketed as a transportation solution for Tyne & Wear, but passengers soon began to understand that it was actually an expensive and portable Public Urinal.
Claims that it was designed to help people travel from Sunderland into Newcastle were dismissed when passengers found you weren't going to get into Newcastle, because there was no bridge for a Metro train over the River Tyne. However, people who discovered this problem could not inform anyone else, as the Metro carriage they were on was heading towards the River. Rather Quickly.
Metro Stations boast ticket machines that displayed the message "I sell tickets". Although these machines were not as fun as real people that sell tickets, because you cannot throw custard pies at ticket machines or kick them in the testes and get that same look of anger or pain that you get with a human-being.
While Metros do not contain toilets in their carriages, people are quite happy to use a seat to relieve themselves. This is the reason why the Metro has stickers that say "Please Keep your feet off the seats", because they dont want you to get poo on your brand-new Converses.
Metro Stations And Platforms are used as a Public Art Gallery. By simply turning up with a Felp-tip pen or can of spray paint, you can create a masterpiece on any piece of concrete. Due to the large amount of concrete used to constuct the Metro system, there is plently of space to create a chrome and black dub maybe a piece. More creative artists may want to create their work on one of the many concrete railway sleepers that lines all 3.7 miles of track.
Each Metro is equipped with a driver, that sometimes tells you what the next stop is, and announces it as if they want to commit suicide. It is announced in this tone of voice so that the depressed passengers do not feel like the only ones that want to slit their wrists.
Regular Metro passengers can be found at the bottom of the River Tyne as this is where they drown.
Passenger satisfaction statistics would suggest that 100% of passengers are satisfied with the quality of the Tyne & Wear Metro. This is based on the fact that Nexus have never had a complaint from any passengers. However, some have been quick to comment that no passengers that have been on a Metro journey have survived. While 97% of passengers die in the river with their feces, the surviving 3% have been quick to commit suicide. Leaving no one alive enough to complain.
Passengers using electric mobility scooters are encouraged to go as fast as they can when entering a train and continuing at full speed through the doors on the other side. The doors will break and open, allowing you to fall onto the tracks on the other side. This creates space for standing passengers during peak times. Advice on using a mobility scooter on a Metro is provided here.
The Metro system plays host to a number of chav gangs-these gangs are attracted to this means of public transport as it enables them to travel between the ghettos in which they and their grubby friends and family live, without having to pay a fare. Inspectors are dispatched on to some trains in order to catch such fare-evaders, but unfortunately these inspectors are unable to see these gangs as they can old ladies, homosexuals, and students. This is because charvas typically wear Burberry clothing, which-to a ticket inspector-is like camoflauge. Some of the gangs who use the system currently are 'The Wharriers'-so called because the gang's members all hail from the area in or around Wharrier Street, Heaton, and 'The Toonrunners'-so called because of their tendency to spend weekdays walking around town with their arms out to the side carrying bottles of White Lighting and closely followed by the harlot mother of their child(ren), who can usually be heard saying something like 'Eeeeeh, Wayne, looki' this pram-it's awnly thorty quid, wi' can gerrit oot yeh benefits on mundi', to which Wayne will likely reply 'Here man, I've gorri' go t'court on mondi' about kicking a tramp's heed', or something equally low-class.
Drivers of the Metro are provided with Teflon coated uniforms and knives. The knives are issued so they can take their own lives and the Teflon clothing means that the blood stains wont be a problem when it is washed. After a quick wash with Ariel, even at 30°C, the blood is gone, meaning the uniform can be passed to the next driver to die in.
If you wave at a Metro driver while they are driving, they will wave back at you. This is a basic indication that the driver is not dead. Yet.
The Tyne and Wear Metro employs people who, they tell us ride the system on the lookout for people who have dodged the fare. However to the people of the northeast these are a little known group of people. In fact there are clubs whose soul purposes it is to hunt down the inspectors in order to get pictures of them performing their duties.
Other staff are paid to conduct surveys asking passengers how they would like the service to be improved. However, these people tend to lose their jobs quickly because they cannot get any feedback because all the passengers are dead.
Level Crossing Points System
Metro drivers must safely negotiate the number of level crossings on the Metro system. In a bid to encourage higher levels in safety, a points system was introduced for drivers while negotiating level crossings. Points are awarded for the following impacts:
- 50 points per adult male.
- 100 points per adult female.
- 200 points if the body that is so badly mangled that their sex can no longer be visually identified.
- 250 points per pensioner.
- 300 points per child (under 18).
- 350 points if the body is so badly mangled that their age can no longer be visually identified.
- 500 points if the body is a complete mess and nothing can be deduced about their sex or age.
- 750 points per person travelling in a veichle that is destroyed.
- 1000 points awarded if the driver runs them over while driving with their eyes closed.
A penalty is enforced if the person that is hit actually dies. This penalty is a severe -10 points per death.
It should be noted that pregnant women are counted as both a women (100 points) and a child (300 points) and therefore gain 400 points.
Drivers can also gain double points for a hit if the head is the first part of the body that strikes the Metro carriage. Drivers are informed that they have earned double points when they hear an audible alert which says "Please stand clear of the chav!"
At the end of each month, the driver's points are added up and awarded as Tesco Clubcard Points because Every Little Helps.
Nexus and the Tyne & Wear Metro
Nexus is currently responsible for the maintenance of the Tyne & Wear Metro.
Metro claims that one of its plans includes: "a £500m project to modernise Metro, providing a step change in comfort and reliability for our passengers"
Many believe that this is a posh way of explaining that they will be fitting more comfy
toilets seats, and also to increase the frequency of the tin-can-toilet-mobiles Metros passing by your station/level-crossing/house/brother that's just been knocked over by one because the driver was too depressed to look where he/she was going.