HowTo:Kill a man with your bare hands

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Welcome! So you've decided to kill a man. Well, with a few easy steps you'll be able to kill anyone you want with just your bare hands.

An example of what your bare hands may look like.

Reasons to kill a man[edit]

A group of young women learning deadly martial arts.

Let's face it, a lot of people deserve death. You may be asking yourself, "is it right to kill a man"? Well here are some moral reasons to do so:

  • Calls your Kings with Ace/3 off and rivers an Ace on a final table
  • Slept with your wife, daughter, sister, or mother, ran over your dog, or slept with your dog (before or after running it over)
  • Drank the last beer
If the man did this, you have the big ass reason to kill him.
  • For no reason whatsoever

What you will need[edit]

Weapon of choice. Can be used for many other things.

Now that you are thoroughly (not at all) versed in the moral and legal implications of killing a man with your bare hands, you need the following items:

  • Hands (any colour will do)
  • A Bear from which to extract "Bare Hands".

If you have these item(s), you are ready to get killing.

Killin' Time![edit]

Find the man you wish to kill. Take your hands, and put them around his neck. Squeeze until dead.

Was that so hard? Well, there are three more advanced methods. You will need two rolls of quarters for the first:

  1. Put the quarters in your hands.
  2. Take your hands and punch him in the face.
  3. Repeat as necessary until he is dead.

Be aware that this method can leave you with broken knuckles, fingers, or an entire hand. Sure is fun, though.

For the second method(Not for those who had trouble with the first method) however nothing extra is required:

  1. Punch the unsuspecting victim assailant in the stomach,or groin, causing them to bend over in pain.
  2. Securely grasp the back of the victim assailant's head and motion your hands towards the ground, while raising your knee, imagine you were bouncing passing a basketball whilst going up a staircase(Don't ask why you would do this)
  3. Proceed to stomp on the victim assailant's ankle to prevent him/her/it from fleeing chasing after you. (In the event of Cankles kneecaps will suffice)
  4. Further proceed to kick or punch the victim assailant in the head, repeating as necessary until they are dead.

The final method requires your Kung fu prowess to be used:

  1. Call the man. Name him "Dick Penisberg" or something and let him attempt to punch you.
  2. Grab his wrist and then push his nose into his brain with an elbow uppercut.
  3. Then punch his ribcage/face/balls repeatedly the way Bruce Lee did the Wing Chun punch (Note that this takes 10 minutes to cause internal hemorrhage and death because each punch is as weak as your little sister hugging a spiked rock)
  4. Finally see Disposal of Corpse below(Unless in the USA, New Zealand, China, or Africa. In which case no one will care.)

Disposal of Corpse[edit]

The peskiest, not to mention rude, part of killing someone is they never help in the cleanup. The best way to dispose of the body is to go out into the desert and burn it. Remember, what the fire doesn't get, the vultures will. Another way is to drive out into the desert and bury the body. This is less dangerous to you, but a lot less fun and a lot more work.


Remember, murder is only wrong legally. Don't worry about it. Good luck with that.

See also[edit]