Listen to Your Heart

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Listen to this heart, but don't look at it, since it can cause epileptic attacks

Listen to Your Heart was a heart-health public awareness campaign sponsored by the Cardiological Institute of America. A heartrending song for the campaign was composed and performed by the Swedish pop music group Roxette.

The campaign and song were initially discredited by experts because it caused many hypochondriacs to demand an immediate heart examination by the nearest available cardiologist. Ultimately, the song's effect was a general paralysis of the public health care queueing system, which could not be fully alleviated until additional Federal funding was granted by the United States Congress (P.L. 47-273.22), allowing 1,255 new Cardiological Physician posts to be recruited throughout the U.S.

Nevertheless, in recognition of the musicians' contributions to the welfare of cardiologists, the Cardiological Institute awarded Roxette the 1997 Certificate of Merit and honorary cardiologist licensure.

This, unfortunately, led to tragedy when the members of Roxette, realizing the best and most lucrative years of their musical careers were already behind them, decided to open a heart-surgery clinic in downtown Stockholm. Before they could be stopped, and their licenses revoked, a total of 17 heart-disease patients were killed in what has been called the "worst series of open-heart surgery disasters of our times." The incident is still under investigation, but a spokesman for Roxette recently announced that the group was "really very sorry" and hopes to "make amends soon" by releasing their "best album ever," just in time for next year's Grammy nominations.

A new policy since enacted by the Cardiological Institute stipulates that no Swedes may ever be allowed to practice cardiology ever again, anywhere, or at least not until a newer and sexier pop group is found to produce an equally-successful international smash-hit single for the Institute.

An MP3 version of the song was recently made available on iTunes, reportedly containing subliminal messages exhorting the listener to consume vast quantities of butter, bacon, and fried chicken.

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