Jeff Sessions
Jefferson Beauregard Dixie K.K.K. Sessions III (otherwise known as Jeff Sessions) (born December 24, 1946) was the Attorney General of the USA and favourite bullying target of his current boss President Donald Trump. Sessions who stands five foot tall in his suspenders is distantly related to British comedian/actor John Sessions.
Origins[edit]
Jeff Sessions was born in The South. His family flew the Confederate Flag in their front garden and kept a supply of white hoods for those 'special occasions'. In the 1970s Sessions joined the military reserve to protect America from the North Vietnam marines. It was around this time he chose to 'come out' as a Republican with a special interest in immigration, dark people, immigration, abortion, dark people. Earlier he had been a Democrat but had then become a fan of George Wallace until he grew out wearing leather shorts.
Starting of a legal career in his home state of Alabama, Sessions became heavily involved with every far right outfit that would have him. His hopes of becoming a leader were killed by his small stature and funny little voice that always seemed on the brink of telling you some long boring story about growing up in The South. And Dark People.
Sessions became obsessed with the Black Panthers and saw that any 'uppity negro' as belonging to an organisation that was in league with 'Communists, Liberals and Feminazis'. He was also against dark people voting as they were not true Americans and didn't honour the Confederate War Dead.
Blockage[edit]
Sessions' hope of further legal advancement were stopped in 1986 by a campaign against him for his previous legal judgements. Sessions was forced to back down by what he saw the 'forces of dark people and their enablers'.
In 1994 Sessions was elected Attorney General of Alabama on a far right platform of protecting Christian White People. Three years later he was a Senator for Alabama, a a position he held until stepping down in 2017 when he became USA's Attorney General.
Fruit the Loop[edit]
When George W. Bush became President, Sessions hoped he would get a legal position in the cabinet. After all as he said, 'me and George had saved the Southern States from the Goons of South Asia' but even Bush junior thought Sessions was a bit too openly racist for his government. This only made Sessions keener to look for an alternative way into the top reaches of the American government.
2016[edit]
Though Sessions held the usual Sexual Stone Age positions of all Republicans, he was drawn to Donald Trump when the latter entered the race to become the next President. Trump's anti-immigration policies, dog barking racism and promise to Make America Great Again was like an out of tune banjo to Session's tufted ears. Trump was his man and he came out (again) for the Orange Man of Queens. The other Republicans privately mocked Sessions for backing another 'jackass like himself' until that is Trump won. Then the scramble for favours from Trump began but Sessions was already well ahead.
Attorney General[edit]
Trump has few if any qualities but he did pride himself in rewarding those who backed him early. Sessions was one of those guys. He was already in Trump's team. Perhaps over exited by the prospect of a job where he could let rip his full gamut of prejudice, Sessions got careless who he met. One in particular he forget to mention meeting was the Russian Ambassador to the United States Sergey Kislyak for a vodka drinking session. Sessions wanted to prove that the Deep South was capable of making something more drinkable than home made hooch or Southern Comfort.
Firing of James Comey[edit]
Sessions urged Trump to fire the FBI director James Comey as he was causing some trouble about the Russians. Trump went ahead which led the Senate to confirm Robert Mueller to look into the issue of Russian interference in the 2016 election. Trump expected Sessions would 'park this somewhere out the back' but was then told by his Attorney General that he couldn't legally do this. Sessions said he couldn't investigate himself, a political position that astounded Trump. The 'Mueller probe' would the responsibility of his deputy Rod Rosenstein.
Dark People[edit]
Free of the Russian business, Sessions went after his number one target. Dark People which included Latinos as well as Black Americans. Since this matched Trump's own obsessions, Sessions thought he was safe from the President.
However Trump felt betrayed by Sessions 'recusing himself from my difficulties' and said he wouldn't have given the runt a job if he knew that was going to happen.
So whilst Sessions pursued non-Whites to Make America Great Again, Trump in turn railed against Sessions by calling him 'the goblin' or 'Mr. Magoo'. All to no effect. Sessions wasn't going to resign, he was having too much fun - legally and politically - with his clothes on.
Future[edit]
Jeff Sessions is now looking for a new job after he was fired by Trump on 7th November 2018. He's open to offers, though he will wait till 2019 to make money as a trick or treater next Halloween. Just as long as you're 'aint dark', Jeff is yours at the right price.