Integration by parts

So, you lump of crap, you want to integrate? According to wikipedia, "In calculus, and more generally in mathematical analysis, integration by parts is a rule that transforms the integral of products of functions into other, hopefully simpler, integrals." The key word being 'hopefully'. What they forget to mention, is how much lubricant you'll require, as this method usually involves pulling large amounts of stuff out of your ass.

Ingredients

In preparation of integrating by parts, you will need the following items:

1. - Hack saw
2. - Coping saw
3. - Chain saw
4. - 2 Tablespoons of Lime juice
5. - A pinch of Chilli flakes
6. - 1.5 Liter bottle of sherry
7. - A copy of 'The Divinyls' song 'I Touch Myself'

Also, a lot of time. Integrating by parts is time consuming, especially when you integrate then fellate three midgets.

An Orgy of mathematics

For an example problem, we're solving:

$\int xtan(x)\,dx$

So, it's time to roll!

First thing with Integrating by parts, is to arbitrarily choose a random term, and grate it. This can be done with a cheese or meat grater. With correct application, and tenderizer. Now, integrating 'tan(x)' is no easy task. How do we do it?

Ask yourself: What is tan? Is it what you utter repeatedly to yourself when you're brain damaged and stuck in the 17th century, or is something something more awesome? No. It isn't. What tan really is, is something you will never have. It will be forever out of your reach, just like girls, sex, or a social life. Who has tan?, you ask disparagingly. Women - and they will be one excuse to place image after image of scantly clad chicks in this article.

Don't despair too much. There is a way to achieve tan without sunlight. Come on, lets go to the chemist.

Social acceptance, or mathematical tool? You decide

So we're walking. Stop. Do you feel that? The slight tingling sensation over your body? No.. No, it's not an orgasm. How long have you been in that basement for? Alright, I'll tell you, it's wind. That light in your eyes is called the sun. Your lack of it has landed us in this 'tan' predicament. Just get a fucking move on, fatty. I don't want to be seen with you in public.

Right, we're here. Here's what I need you to get:

1. - One bottle of fake tan
2. - KY Jelly
3. - Better make that two. Integrating by parts rapes you, hard.
4. - Mi Goreng

And hurry up, or I'll shove your William Shatner DVD as far up your ass as his head's up his.

The word 'Moribund' sounds kinda stupid

Gratuitous

Finally, we're back in your mother's basement. Let's get back to maths.

$\int xtan(x)\,dx$

Now the first step..

$(1/2)x^{2}tan(x)-\int (1/2)x^{2}sec^{2}(x)\,dx$

Now, this has me fucking stumped. Time to cook mi goreng

Mi Goreng (not to be confused with Matt Groening)

She's hard for Mi Goreng

Mi Goreng is essential for any fat, sun deprived nerd, like you, to keep functioning and churning through maths problems. Another important effect of Mi Goreng, is a potential attractor of mates. Women know they will be well looked after and cared for, if the man they are courting has a healthy supply of Mi goreng.

Back to the food. There's a simple procedure for cooking and eating Mi goreng, but that is far too complex to be discussed in an article such as this. Let's just suppose you cooked it. Are you eating it? Does it taste nice? You'd wanna hope so, because the next part of this maths is pretty frickin' hefty. Like bitch on crack hefty.

$\int (1/2)x^{2}sec^{2}(x)|,dx$=

Well that wasn't worth it, was it?

I'm gonna be honest. If you think solving crap like that is worth it to get your accounting/Engineering/Science/Arts (yeah, right), it's not. Your fucked. Go do something far more productive with your time, like chasing balls onto busy roads.

Don't Forget

$\int 3(ice)^{2}\,\operatorname {d} (ice)=iceburg$

Proof:

$\int 3(ice)^{2}\,\operatorname {d} (ice)={\frac {3(ice)^{3}}{3}}+C$

${\frac {3(ice)^{3}}{3}}=(ice)^{3}$

Therefore:

$\int 3(ice)^{2}\,\operatorname {d} (ice)=(ice)^{3}+C={\text{icecube + sea}}$